To be sad DD might be limiting herself

[JanseyB]

I have twins, they are 17, in sixth form.
DD is on paper the more intelligent of the two, 8/9a at GCSE and predicted 2 A* and 2 As at a-level (French, German, Art and English). She is at a good local indie but the careers advisor seems to pay little attention to her (more interested in the Law, Medicine and Finance candidates).

DD has applied for Business/Management and German for uni. She's applied to Kings, UCL, Manchester, Bristol and Queen Mary, she has some offers back.

DD has now announced she wants to take a gap year, then maybe change her course of study all together. She has savings and will get some money for her 18th so she has said she wants to work and travel and figure it out.
DD actually wants to work in marketing but wants to do a degree related to foreign language as it's something she is naturally talented at.

DS is so much more put together, studying history then wants to do law and has a clear plan.

DD is saying she wants a gap year, 4 year (year abroad) undergrad then possibly marketing masters. Which just seems a bit chaotic.

She is so smart, I wasn't massively supportive of her A-level choices and I feel like we are going through it again. She got a bloody 9 in maths at GCSE and it feels such a waste to throw it away. She's also very sociable, likeable, sporty and works so hard, it just seems she's a bit lost?!

DH and I are both doctors, our path was quite clear and laid out from leaving school so I'm not sure how to approach this.

AIBU thinking she might be throwing it all away. How can I get her better careers advice when school aren't helping? She used to want to work in finance and I'm a little sad that over the last 2 years that has lost appeal to her!

Anyone here know a path that might suit DD, with her want of modern languages under grad and marking as a career with study abroad and gap years?

I have a couple of friends in a symphony orchestra, and honestly I’m proud of them and I’m in no way related!

Her path isn’t chaotic. It’s just not YOUR path. She knows exactly what she wants to do. Let her get on with it.

Your DD sounds very adventurous with a gap year and a year abroad as part of her degree. More so than your DS.
They are different people
I’m not sure why you think it isn’t a good choice.

My dh and I are both architects so like you our career was marked out from day one.

I also have twins with one doing medicine and the other film and television
We were also worried about our film and television ds wondering that it’s all very vague and where does it all lead to whilst we don’t worry about our medicine ds. It’s understandable you are concerned as, like us, you like to have a clear path. But your dd isn’t like that.

She sounds like she knows what she wants and at her age I think it’s up to her.
I should also note both of mine took a year out before Uni and had a great time and certainly matured a lot.

I can’t help with alternatives, I’m afraid, as I think she’s got it sorted.

NoIncomeTaxNoVAT · Today 03:55

Of course if you compare her to a medicine or law career path, it wont seem as defined, but if those are not careers she wants to do, then there is no point pushing it. Let her take time to figure out her own plan and go from there. If she's as bright as you say she is, she'll come to her own conclusions in time.

This. Don't try to push her into something she doesn't want. Trust me, it won't go well.

Well firstly OP and her DH are both doctors so hardly short pf a bob or two.

Secondly the DD seems bright and her life choices quite well suited to her future. I'm sure many would have posted a different response had the DD been struggling at school and I totally agree that we are doing many young people a huge disservice by creating degrees that are easy to get into and not particularly valuable.

Thirdly I see a DPs goal as encouraging their DCs to be independent adults. As long as the young person is earning enough to support themselves then anything extra is nice but not a necessity. DS knows that he has the choice of uni/gap year/ job and we will continue to support him, but he doesn't have the choice of doing nothing.

Considering she’ll be working until she drops, she’s got plenty of time. Even changing careers along the way.

OP, read 'The Girl with the Green Ear' by Margaret Mahy.

Forgive me if anybody has already said this, but getting a top grade in GCSE Maths doesn't mean necessarily that one's going to be able to do as well in A level and higher Maths. Back in the Pleistocene I got O level grade 1 (top grade then) when the exams were tougher, but I knew damn well that I had just about reached my mathematical limit. Followed my heart into the humanities and have had a very satisfying career.

I cannot understand how spending a year in a French/German speaking country, becoming fluent, is 'throwing it all away'.

A second language is such a valuable asset.

She doesn't sound lost. She has a plan for her future and sounds determined to live her life on her own terms.

She isn't throwing anything away! She has excellent GCSEs and is set to get excellent A-levels in good subjects!

Foreign language A-levels are notoriously hard! And your daughter is doing 2. English is an excellent, complimentary subject and Art could work well with any of those and is not the easy option many think it is.

Not knowing what you want to do is not uncommon at 17 - they are still so young. I took a year out after my first year of uni and worked at the local hospital as a health care assistant. Not conventional maybe but it remains one of the most valuable experiences I have had. I finished my degree successfully and I am a very successful teacher, Head of a core subject and doing great.

A gap year is a good idea if she is unsure what to do. Encourage her to go travelling or maybe work abroad- with language A-levels she will be able to work somewhere.

As for degree subjects, she could spend time looking at all the different courses available- there are so, so many. Anything languages/linguistics, something linked to English maybe- again lots of options (I am a natural scientist so apologies, this isn't my field).

Please don't feel she is throwing anything away and just encourage her to get the best A-levels she can and explore what she wants to do. She has many years ahead of her!

I am a STEM subject academic. Our field is very well paid with essentially full employment. Thus in addition to those with genuine enthusiasm for the subject we get a certain number of DC who are very intelligent (because our offer is very high) with no real plans who have been pushed into the field by well meaning DPs.

They don’t usually thrive. You’re a doctor, OP. How would you feel if pushed by your DPs onto eg an Accountancy or Electrical Engineering degree, because you had the talent and they perceived that these were better pathways? Do you think you would be able to give it your best for three or more long years?

I think the world of good accountants and electrical engineers, BTW, and I understand how one can feel great enthusiasm for these fields. Surely you understand my deeper point.

It sounds to me like your DD is doing almost everything right. I particularly commend her enthusiasm for her well thought out pathway, which can be amended over time if she wishes.

YABU she's not you - you really need to reflect on why you can't accept there is more than one way to define success. I had a year out as I'd had enough of studying, i then did a STEM subject for both undergrad and masters in a subject both my parents said would come to nothing (environmental science). I have had a very successful career, i love my work, am well paid and have moved all over the world. Your DD sounds like an amazing young woman - you need to appreciate her difference more.

I did a similar degree, travelled a lot, met now DH, lived abroad with him for a few years, travelled some more, lived in some cool cities working & now earning 80k in a job I really enjoy in a very happy middle-class type lifestyle.

She might not want what you want, she might not get to do all she wants to do.

It sounds like she’s pretty bloody successful already. I’d be pretty proud of mine if they turned out to be that level-headed and confident. Trust her.

I hhas a friend from Finland who told me back in the day (not sure if this is still the case or not) a lot of people over there used to take a gap year before going to university to travel and actually figure out what they wanted to do.
I find in UK like in most countries, people are pushed to go to uni and often pick totally wrong degrees. At least here you can minimise the damage while doing a joint honours, but let's face it, most people at 17 have no clue what they want from life and hardly anyone becomes what the thought they would at that age.
It's great your daughter wants to explore life a bit before picking a degree, don't let your narrow mindset limit that.

She's not throwing anything away, just taking time to make important decisions.

You are massively unreasonable. She is not a mini you, she is her own person who can make her own decisions about her life

To be honest I respect people at 18 who decide to take time out to grow up and consider their options as for many 18 is still too young to be committing to a life long career. I wish it was more accepted (by parents and schools) that many people are not ready for university until they are in their early 20s if not later

You can now make a choice. Respect her decision and fund her in a way that you would have anyway if she did what you wanted, respect her decision but tell her to fund everything herself or cut her off

I agree most people at 17 have no idea what they want to do.

At 17 I was going to be an Olympic showjumper and had a traineeship at a major stable. At 19 i had an accident and broke a very great many bones. At 20 I wanted to write social history and did a history degree. At 23 i did a masters in international relations. I then did policy work and then a law degree and then did law for way too long and now I work for a charity that supports vulnerable older people.

I'm happy with how things turned out.

I think there's a misconception that marketing doesn't involve maths. It's all about stats, customer numbers, quantifying the impact of offers etc. You can also earn really good money.

I don't think her plan sounds chaotic at all.

If you take initiative, you can do both, you can work abroad for your year abroad usually, work uni approval of the position.

Just re-read your post, OP, and noticed that your daughter speaks/is learning both French and German. I’m envious - I’ve always thought it would be great to speak multiple languages, but all I speak is English and a little half-remembered French. Knowing enough of a foreign language to actually be able to get a degree in it sounds fantastic to me.

Her parents are both in medicine. A career that, while may pay reasonably well (after many years on no to low pay), many are utterly unhappy in. Resulting in a higher than average suicide rate. It’s not as if she’s a drop out, she has a plan and sounds like a good head on her shoulders

Sorry I haven't had a chance to read all the replies properly yet. I will read and reply to them all when I get a moment.

I grew up being told by my parents the path that I would take regarding my education. It was not the path I wanted to take but I followed it because it was expected and that's the type of person I was.
I hated my time at university, it just wasn't for me but my parents refused to accept that. I scrapped through but was lost and have never really settled in to a specific career.
I wish I'd been stronger and pushed for the career path I wanted.
Please listen to your daughter, it sounds like she has a pretty clear plan. Remember, it's her life she has to live. You've had the chance to make your choices, now it's her turn. Listen, encourage and support her.

@ProfessorPeppy My ex husband was exactly the same as you. He wanted to do English, his parents wanted him to do Law, History was settled on as a compromise...he went to Oxford straight from school and got a 2:1.

30 odd years on and he's still very angry that his parents basically dictated to him what he should do, as an 18 year old. He wasn't 'allowed' to have a gap year, which he says would have done him the world of good, as he was so immature. His immaturity meant he didn't appreciate Oxford at all, and didn't take up any of the many advantages of studying there gave him. He freely admits that if he'd had any interest in the subject he would have got a First. He's never had a job that utilised his History degree in any way...in fact for the first 2 years after leaving university he was crop picker!

Frankly OP, it's her life, not yours. Let her choose her own path.