my attitude on this 1st date?

[ricollete]

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Sex is important to me and I can’t fathom a world where I wouldn’t have sex for three years, that’s all. I’d certainly want to find out more about it if my date was in that position - particularly because I would most likely be looking to have sex relatively early in the relationship, and I wouldn’t be interested in dating someone who didn’t believe in sex before marriage (as an example) and I also wouldn’t be interested in dating someone who had frequent one night stands.

Whenever I’ve been dating in the past; sex has come up in conversation fairly early on, even in relationships where we didn’t actually get sexual. I’d also want someone who felt comfortable speaking about sex; I do not think that makes me a potential murderer as was mentioned earlier.

I think he simply thought aloud. If I had been having the same conversation, whether on a date, with friends or colleagues it is exactly what I would have thought too, I may not have actually said it though!

Walking out was huge over reaction in my view, but you’ve got to do what is right for you and realistically it was right for you because you have been single etc, if you have male friends and colleagues that may have softened it a bit for you but if not then that’s simply the case for you in your life right now and nothing wrong with that. I would have perhaps explained that to him though before blocking him, as I don’t think he was necessarily wrong for saying it but he did misjudge it.

Are you by any chance ND op?

Sex is very important to me in a relationship and a ive always had a higher sex drive than my partners (though only ever had 4 LTR’s in my life) so I never I’m a million years thought I’d be in the position I am now but life happens.
Maybe my point is that someone shouldn’t be written off for choosing not to be interested in casual sex.

I would always want to talk and understand the whole person and know more about them and their life choices before sex becomes a topic. Personally, I’d be like the OP and shut down anyone turning the chat sexual straightaway. Get to know who I am first rather than see me as a potential hook up. I make it clear I’m not into ONS before we ever start chatting (it’s in my profile) but for some reason many men see themselves as being the one who should be the exception to that rule.

All rather bizarre. Is this a general pattern of behaviour - eg walking out with no words when someone says something you don’t like (outside of, say, hate speech)?

Did he specifically ask if you had had any one night stands over the 3 years or did you volunteer that information when discussing being single?

If he asked that and then followed up with asking what you did for sex, then I’d definitely think he was being suggestive. Whether that topic of conversation was then something you’d enjoy or not is down to the individual. I’d say it’s a bit of a risk on a first date and not something I’d be a fan of in your shoes.

If you just volunteered that you’d not had any ONS while discussing relationships, I’d say you were the one who brought sex up so you were unreasonable to react so strongly to him continuing that line of conversation. A ONS is just about sex, it’s not dating or a relationship, so bringing them up does suggest sex is a topic you’d be open to discussing.

Ultimately there’s no point continuing spending time on a date if you think it’s going nowhere. No apology at all is required, but letting people know that you’re leaving would seem reasonable to me. Not because he is a man and somehow entitled to your time, but because he’s a person too.

You mention that an apology wouldn't make a difference because for you it's about the mismatch. I think its fair enough to decide at that moment that the fact he could ask you that makes you incompatible (i would too to be fair). But if, like you say, its about mismatch rather than him revealing himself to be a creep by asking, then I do find it rude to just walk out.

It would depend on my intentions - I have a relatively high sex drive and that would probably turn me on! But if you don’t want the convo in that direction then fair enough

I must admit OP as much as I think his question was out of line for first date, I think I’d have responded by telling him it was none of his business right now and changing the subject. His reaction would have told me if it was worth continuing or not

If he accepted that and the conversation was steered away from sex then I’d have given him another chance. However if he tried to bring the subject back up, I’d have probably then told him that the date wasn’t going to continue.

No, I don't think asking about his sexual history = she wants to murder him. If you look at the statistics it's always the other way round: it's men the ones who murder us.

If you felt surprised and concerned your date hasn't had sex in three years and would like to know that 'early on' (like a first date) I would suggest including other questions that are AS important, the sort of stuff we would ALL like to know early on before going on a second date. I've created the following questionnaire for you to bring to your next Tinder date (feel free to print it out) :

• What blood group are you? (I intend to have children so need to know if our blood groups are compatible before going on a second date).
• Why are you divorced? Did you cheated on her?
• Any debts?
• Any addictions?
• What's your relationship with your mother like?
• I'm pretty vanilla in my sex life so any kinks out of the norm that will freak me out?
• What political party did you voted for?

I've had similar - it turned out he didn't believe me

I'm a bloke and I have been on first dates where, randomly out of the blue, overtly sexual questions have been asked by the woman sat across the table. These have ranged from asking me when I last had sex through to a drink spluttering 'do you like anal'.

No - I am a young widower who had the most amazing marriage and know exactly what a fantastic relationship and a good man is supposed to be like.

This is my last post here as it now will picked apart with accusations of trauma, grief, 'not being ready' yet and whatever else the people who are deliberately being judgy in their responses will be able to come up with because you know...they know better about me than I do myself.

If you get it you get it and I think the way I behave is something a woman has to feel rather than try to understand rationally.

I think it's actually pretty mean of you to walk out like that. I would feel awful if that was me and be so embarrassed I probably would lose confidence to go on a date again for a while.

You could have just said something like ... look I think that's a really inappropriate question. I don't think we're suited after all. And then ended the date in a normal way. Walking out without a word though!? That's so rude.

Ok, so women are just as bad and inappropriate when dating 😳

I have too and told I’m either lying or I must be absolutely gagging for it by now

Don't worry OP, it's just the bar is pretty low on MN when it comes to men.

I am a young widower

Hopefully that was autocorrected from "widow" ?

I don't normally pick on people's typos, but that really is a strange one

I’d have just said “that’s a bit forward considering I don’t know you”, and then explained he made me feel uncomfortable so I was going home now. Bye.

I get it OP. I possibly wouldn’t have reacted in the same way but I totally understand why you did.

You did right for you and that’s what’s important. Too many people ignore their gut instinct or drop their boundaries for men so well done in keeping yours

In a long term relationship so hopefully don’t need that.

Just to clarify; it’s fine for me to ask about sex, but not him?

Im more likely to have sex with someone in a first date than I am to procreate with them. I don’t care what someone relationship is like with their mother or their ex since I will not be having sex with either of those people. However, I would like to know if someone is vanilla or kinky so I might keep that one.

There have been a couple of posts similar to this recently, including an OP who got stood up in the bar by a date she then accused of angling for a threesome. I think posters are questioning you storming out without a word @ricollete because women have been conditioned to capitulate to what men want and they can't get their head round the idea of walking out on a date that a man's asked them on. It's a shame you blocked him though – I'm dying to know whether he now accepts the question was far too forward for a first date. Hopefully you've done the next woman he dates a favour and he'll think before he speaks.

What did he say/do when you were putting on your coat/picking up your bag?

I think you did the right thing by the way...I once got talking to a guy on a hobby forum, turned out we worked for the same very big company, he asked me to send a picture to see if he recognised me...and I got a dick pic in response.

This was a guy who had been with his partner for about 15 years at that point. At no point in our previous conversation had I given even the SLIGHTEST hint that I was flirting etc with him.

I would have said fuck off when I was leaving, too.

I'd have laughed and said 'I will introduce you to my rabbit sometime.'

Honestly, you did overreact.

Sounds a bit creepy mentioning sex on a first date. You dodged a bulllet I think.