my attitude on this 1st date?

[ricollete]

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Wtaf? 😂😂😂

It seems like a stupid question to blurt out but if the date was otherwise ok, I'd have stuck it out longer. He might have been nervously gabbling and thinking before speaking. Or if it really did give you the creeps, it would have been polite to have said 'I'm not comfortable with that question so I'm going to call it a night'. Just grabbing stuff and walking out seems a bit OTT.

Just my view! But good on you either way for being clear about your boundaries.

There's not a single chance I would ask this question on a first date, it sounds very creepy and crosses a boundary as far as I'm concerned. Personally, I think you did the right thing, OP.

It’s defo ick!

but I couldn’t of walked out. But kudos for doing that!

As a woman on a date I don’t think you would ever ask that question of a man within an hour of meeting them and that says a lot.

why should we put up with questions that make us feel uncomfortable ?

I might have said thanks for the drink but your personal question has made me feel uncomfortable . Bye 👋

I mean if there had been nothing else to be aware of in the previous hour I'd have laughed it off and told him it was none of his business. Seems more likely he asked it without thinking out of suprise rather than he thought he deserved to know the intimacies of your bedroom in explicit detail

Way too personal on a first date, and not worded well at all. He doesn't sound like a gentleman and would have really turned me off.

I think it was probably a last straw type thing psycholgically.
I once dumped a boyfriend because he didn't say goodbye to my mum. It wasn't that but a whole load of other things before - and it was suddenly crystal clear that there was no point going on.
So it sounds a very healthy reaction to me.

If a professional, late 40s, divorced man with 2 teen girls is so nervous after 1 hour on the date and drinking on his second alcoholic drink that he can’t control the words that comes out of his mouth then he is not for me - if this was over text I’d assume he was an incell in his parent’s basement.

Thank God we were in a very busy and public place

If we were remote and alone somewhere perhaps I’d have to be a bit more ‘tactful’ and employ some fake coy skills until I got somewhere safe

Remember the thread the other day when a strange man offered a woman some flowers and because she did not accept he dished out abuse?

I’m not comparing the two situations but I totally understand how women have been conditioned to be nice and not hurt men’s feelings - it is unconcious for so many.

Well done for going with your instincts. I would be unimpressed too. Creepy fucker. Agree with pp that some women on this thread need to raise their standards. Men who are trying to impress you (as they should be on a first date ffs) wouldn't do this. Men worth keeping around wouldn't do this. You have not missed out OP.

I think he had a lucky escape! If you are that touchy about the question it would indicate you are hard work as a partner. If a man said to me that they had not had sex for 3 years I would be concerned they were not interested in it and I might not want to see them again. It was a date FFS not a job interview. YABVVU

100% agree OP. The assumption that being single and not having ONS or hook ups means you don’t have interest in sex is ridiculous.

Ive been single 4 years. I miss sex like mad at times and if I met someone that I felt that connection with I would be absolutely wanting sex non stop with them but I have to have that connection and I’ve not found anyone I felt that spark with in that time.

I sometimes wish I could be someone who had no strings sex but I’m not that person and never will be. So unless I meet someone I want to pursue a relationship with, I’ll be staying celibate sadly.

I’ve had men ask me how long since I had sex and my answer is always ‘I’ve been single x years’ - that’s all I’m saying to them. If they push it, I’m done so I totally get you walking out.

I’ve had too many men say that there must be something wrong with me being long term single - no I just have my boundaries and standards that I won’t compromise on.

I doubt he actually wanted a run down of how the OP meets her sexual needs. He was probably trying to engage the OP in a bit of flirty chit chat after not picking up on the vibe correctly. He misread things and got shot down in flames. He was probably horrified by how badly it went.

He was being a dirty dog - well done for leaving.

I did exactly the same on a first date when the guy told me he had been in prison for 2 years for fraud (granted it was 20 plus years ago), I would never have agreed to even meet him if I had known that in the first place

Usually a man shows his sleazy side at the messaging stage. It comes out earlier than when you actually meet.
So it could have just been a genuine question, adult to adult!
Telling him it was inappropriate, fine.
But walking straight out is a bit odd and over the top.

I think that if you found it wrong, then it's wrong, and you were clearly right to end the date. You're different people and it's both your right to do think that and the correct call to make.

However, I don't think what he said was awful, or wrong, it was just wrong for you. In my younger days, I'd have been on dates or just talking to women, and relatively quickly the conversation may have turned to sex, instigated by a woman as much as me. Not because either of us were bad people, creepy, expectant, or demanding, but just different people to yourself and people who feel the same, and that's ok.

I don't think you not saying goodbye or explaining yourself, was anymore wrong than his question.

People have different opinions and preferences, neither are wrong.

There’s many reasons why a woman is unable to have sex for 3 years: sexual PTSD, trauma of some sort, medical (OBGYN surgeries), she could have been trafficked or come out of an abusive marriage where she needed the emotional healing that doesn’t involve shagging random men on the net. Maybe sex is something that she associates with love so not interested in random shags that leave her feeling empty . If the guy you’re meeting on that first date is unable to get pass this because he’s just looking for a “hole” you may want to raise your bar a little bit and find someone who sees you as a person, not as a “hole”. I agree with you: bullet dodged on both sides.

And sometimes it’s that we haven’t met anyone that we want to have sex with despite going on dates etc.
Many people aren’t intentionally celibate they just haven’t met anyone who sets off the right spark. With the right person, I’m very very sexual indeed but I’d rather pleasure myself than have sex for the sake of a shag.

I never in a million years imagined being long term single but ONS or hook ups have never appealed to me. So for someone to write off anyone as not being interested in sex just because they’re not into casual shows to me that they’re on a different page to me and the OP.

Oh come on. Not everyone who is curious about sex is a murderer. If I was to be dating now; I’d be very surprised and concerned if my date hadn’t had sex in three years. I’d want to know that early on; because we would be likely to be not compatible.
If she asked him about his sexual history, would you be stating that she was going to murder him? No.

And it’s completely okay to be on a different page. Best to find out early so you can both move on separately.

No need to be rude just because your communication style or sexual history are not aligning.

If a man walked out on a date because someone asked him a clunky and rather crass question, I would think he was a bit over dramatic.

Not really anything to do with being 'conditioned to be nice and not hurt men's feelings', I genuinely couldn't be so rude regardless of whether a man or a woman. For me, life is too short to be so unforgiving, especially for something that very well might have been blurted out in nervousness.

But hey, go you, you strong, independent woman that you are 👏 You're happy with yourself, and your actions, and arguing back with anyone and anything that disagrees with you. Lucky escape for one of you, that's for sure.

Though it’s the assumption that because someone hadn’t had numerous ONS that they’re not interested in sex that I’m referring to as strange imo.

If a guy told me he’s been single for a few years and hadn’t been shagging around, I’d see that as a positive thing.

In the same 4 years I’ve been single, my friend has had about 30 ONS - I know there’s a middle ground between the two but personally I would find a man who had done the same far more off putting than one who had been long term single and not into casual sex.

I think it’s clear to see why you’ve been single for so long