To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

This.

This school should only deal with in-school issues.....NOT what goes on outside.

They are over-stepping boundaries.

Total over stretch by the school. Don't cancel anything. Madness

They are overstepping massively. I don’t think you should be removing her from activities at all. They teach teamwork, discipline, the value of practicing and working hard to achieve something. Removing seems like an inappropriate consequence in general, much less for these very very minor transgressions. Surely detention is enough.

I would be moving schools. Adults can drink water whenever they like so why not children? That is a basic right IMHO, it's horrible to feel thirst. The other two are honestly ridiculous, she 9, not 19!!

I would be getting my child out of this vile institution before their toxic bullying damages them. I would seriously consider home education over such a punitive culture over trivial non-issues if there is no other viable school.

I've got a child of similar age, and due to executive function issues he is scatty and forgets things. This kind of culture would break him.

OP's daughter needed nothing more than a gentle reminder of the rules. The detentions are excessive in the first place and she absolutely does not deserve to have joyful or purposeful activities stripped from her home life.

Ok. I've just seen that what the detentions were for......very minor offences! It doesn't sound like a very happy school to be honest and I'd asking for a meeting with the head to discuss the ridiculousness of it all. We are not in the 1950's....

OP, I think you need to ask some serious questions about these policies, especially when they mean that the school is asking you to stop an activity your child needs for very valid health reasons. They really have lost all sight of basic common sense.

WHAT? this is horrendous. None of this is ‘bad behaviour’. Poor kid can’t catch a break.
Are they trying to condition fear here?

Ex teacher here and I think it’s wrong. And no, she needs to do the yoga. Please make it very clear why she needs it. If anything she needs it more than ever as it’ll probably help her mentally too. She’s going end up scared to do anything or have any independent thought.

I think this just about sums it up.

I’m also cross that she’s not allowed to drink water when she’s thirsty. Seriously
wtf! The only reason she would drink water js due to thirst.

I really hope that this is a wind up/fake post but if not then OP you need to grow a pair and stick up for your daughter. She's 9 FFS and is having her human rights denied by not being allowed to drink water when she is thirsty. Prisoners are treated with more respect than this school treats it's pupils. You absolutely should not be cowering to these bullies and doing anything that they tell you as a way of punishing your daughter further. And if you absolutely can't take her out of this school then home needs to be her safe space to recover from all the bullshit that she is dealing with in school everyday.

1 detention was for being caught drinking out her bottle in the corridor between lessons (drinks only allowed at break and lunchtime)

This can't be true. I get why there might be a rule about drinking/eating in alesson but in a corridor between lessons? No way - you can't stop people drinking, it's got to be unlawful hasn't it?

I don't believe its true. Someone is telling porkies in this set up.

I’m honestly amazed at your buy-in to this degree of punishment. To read your initial post I assumed your daughter must be disrupting lessons or harassing other students.
If you don’t feel there is anything to be gained from confronting this with the school directly, I would be employing a “smile and nod” policy with the school, but not depriving my DC of activities unrelated to the school that I pay good money for, and which positively affect her health.

Also I know you say it’s ’more like a secondary’ but she’s 9 years okd. She’s not secondary age. But tbh I think those punishments are harsh for secondary too.

It's quite worrying that as her parent, you're this subservient to the school.

Quite bizarre actually.

So she’s getting punished three times? 2 activities and a detention?

Also clubs aren’t just for socialising/fun. They are to learn responsibility and commitment. Taking her out of a concert and letting everyone down seems like you are punishing everyone and giving unfair commitment to the organisers.

Back when I was in middle school detention was only given for serious bad behaviour, usually fighting, and I, like most of my peers, never received one. My kids are only at the start of their secondary journey, so maybe I'm naive, but I would not be deliberately giving back up consequences. If they get a detention which happens to clash with an extra curricular, then they will miss the extra curricular. But honestly, this level of consequence makes out that your child has some serious behavioural difficulties. What are you going to do if she believes the evidence and acts in accordance with it? Maybe she tells a teacher to fuck off? What consequences are left once all the activities and all the tech have gone? Help her to organise her uniform, empathise that detention sucks but she'll get through it, and move on.
Like you, if I turn up to work and I've got something wrong, my colleagues help. Then we get on with our day. I forget something approximately every 2 years. I don't think making a big deal of it would improve that.

Having visited some groups of schools, I can believe it. I was told off for asking a teacher a question during change of lesson in the corridor as “ we must be silent”

some schools are regimes.

The detentions themselves are ridiculous

You OP are buying into this shit, she forgot her locker key, so fucking what!? She took a drink presumably because she was thirsty.

You are being unreasonable and a complete sheep to follow any of this crap.
None of the detentions are for being cheeky or nasty to another child or not doing work. None of them are worthy of punishment.

I went to a strict convent school and even they would not have been so harsh. It sounds like a complete power trip. Stage up for your daughter for crying out loud!

Sounds absolutely nothing like my middle school. Thought the idea was to ease the transition to secondary/teenagerhood, not accelerate it. DS is in year 4 and I would be absolutely gutted if his school was so strict and horrible next year! Just unnecessary.

My daughter suffers from a bowel condition and if she misses exercise, she becomes constipated. I would never take away her exercise for health reasons. I agree with you.

Wtaf? I'd be removing her from that school....destroying a child's spirit over ridiculous nonsense. Then telling you to remove activities??? Is this actually a real thread. I wouldn't have my child attend a school like this in the first place....do they get any education in between the micro managing whether a pin is on a tie or a lapel???? Weird in the extreme

Genuinely can't get over the reasoning for detentions. Needing a drink?! Wtaf! Teacher 20+ years and would never stop loo or drinking. Presumably this teacher you spoke to has Delores Umbridge as their role model. Awful.

This can't be true