To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

I'm adding to the chorus saying they'd take her out of this school.

I've honestly never heard anything so ridiculous, none of this behaviour from the school would be acceptable in a Secondary, let alone when the kids are 8/9 years old!

I'd be putting in a complaint. Stupid school.

The school have punished her already for her actions. Why would you punish her too?
I wouldn't be taking away any of her activities at all.

If any of this is actually true, then you need to stop being so passive and stand up for your child. I'd be raising merry hell about the lunch time detentions and certainly wouldn't allow any after school ones.

Why are you allowing any of this treatment of your 9 year old? If my DS school tried to tell me how to punish my child outside of school I'd tell them where to go.

Why not take away the Thursday activity a second time, so next week as well.

I’d change schools. Absolutely bonkers and designed to make your DD eventually maybe dislike school.

I’m a 70s/80s child and even my secondary private convent wasn’t that strict (and they were scarily strict!).

if this is real and schools are that bad fuck me im so glad we home educate
i thought it was bad enough and idiotic you have to ask permission for a pee and are actually told no and teen girls being told by grown men no you cant go sort out you period stuff

since when are schools "in charge" of your home life and taking parental decisions away from you

teacher didn't suggest she TOLD you what to do and how to do it

do parents(ie grown adults)actually listen?

you child is bloody 9, not even hit double figures yet and education settings are this controlling

What?! I was expecting that your daughter was swearing/fighting/bullying. The detentions are ridiculous aside from the request to cancel out of school activities.

whilst some kids might thrive with this sort of ‘zero tolerance’, others become fearful and many, once villainised surely cease to care; after all, what’s the next sanction? Expelled for wearing a lapel badge upside down? Public flogging out on the lawn for forgetting a text book? Assembling the gallows when 5b are too loud in class?

This is just weird I take my kids forgotten stuff in all the time! No one bats an eye lid

This

I’m guessing this is a prep school
Private schools are strict.

Bloody hell op I'd be telling them to do one.

Absolutely ludicrous reasons to give a child detention.

I would tell them the rules are ridiculous and do not warrant any form of punishment.

Poor kid.

The rules are high handed and ridiculous. Asking to remove ‘yoga’ as punishment shows a gross lack of care for your daughter’s wellbeing and health. This is punishment designed to break as opposed designed to support behaviour. I urge you to reconsider her school. This is actually concerning.

I wouldn’t stop any of the activities b3cause the school want you too, they already dictate enough, ain’t no way they dictating what’s happening with my kids outside of school.
i thought dds school was military grade, but they don’t even have detentions and she’s in year 6… not that she’d ever get one as she’s very good at school.
your child your choice, especially outside of school.

Those are pathetic reasons for detentions and kids will lose respect for teachers that are so petty, I wouldn’t remove any of her outside activities, clubs are expensive and good for kids. It’s not like she pulled a knife on someone or threw a chair across the room (both happened at my school)

You really shouldn’t be stopping any external activities. These have nothing to do with school and they are absolutely out of order asking you to do this.

I'm so sad for your daughter. Please don't punish her at home for this.
The school sounds stupidly strict. I don't actually think she even warranted a school detention!
Let her go to her clubs and be happy outside of that awful place.

WTAF?! My son went to a middle school, now in senior school- consistently in top 10 independents in U.K. re GCSE and A Level results. Academic as fuck and they run a tight ship, high expectations etc. Getting in is hard- a lot of exams and interviews.

What they don’t do is waste their time on this kind of shit. I value education enormously but I would be finding an alternative school if this is the soul breaking type of dross they are focusing their (and the children’s) energy on.

I'd be changing schools tbh

Those are ridiculous reasons for any detention at any age.
Jeez, how many people can say they have never forgotten anything? And I thought restrictions on drinking through the day had gone out years ago and drinking regularly was encouraged?

For the school to be even suggesting additional sanction on top of detention is outrageous.

WTAF, of course you should not take away ‘yoga’, in fact you should not be dictated to by the school at all in terms of the consequences you decide are appropriate for your child. They have already given your child a detention for breaking the rules, that should be the end of it. I’m all for schools and parents working together when there are behavioural issues that need addressing, but this goes way beyond what is normal and acceptable.

I'd move school!

Everything I've read about child development recommends not stopping extra curricular activities as they offer a route out if poor/negative behaviour.

To suggest this for forgetting a key is bonkers!

I completely agree. This kind of draconian, authoritarian approach may get superficial compliance but will do nothing positive for development. Awful school. Not even adhering to good behavioural theory. Just being overly punishing. Would probably bring back the cane if they could!

I think both you and the teacher are bing unreasonable. Teacher is completely over stepping the mark on all counts but I think you are batshit crazy to stop any activities on the say so if the teacher. She has done the detention, that is enough for the minor crap that she’s been given detentions for. You are both being way too harsh.

What sort of school is your DD is at?! Are you paying for this shit? Bloody hell, it sounds like a juvenile delinquents facility. I would not stop any of the activities and tell the school to fuck off. And would not put my child into a school that gives detentions to 9 year olds.
Edited - DETENTION FOR A 9YO FOR DRINKING WATER!! This is insane.