To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Wtf? She’s 9??? No way would I be letting her do detentions!

I think you’re going too far anyway. I would never support the school in this, Jesus it’s awful imo.

I have a 10 year old. The detentions are for things like misbehaving/talking in class - miss 5 minutes of breaktime. But the school would never insist the punishments are then carried over into home life.

I would read through the entire school behaviour policy and check what it actually says.

But i would not be cancelling any out of school activities. My 10 year old doesn't have a phone, so wouldn't be able to remove it. But the after school activities are booked and paid for, and help with life skills. And quite frankly missing swimming or choir isnt going to stop a 9 year old from being thirsty or forgetting a tie pin.

Just change school sounds crazy!!!

I would have flipped the school the bird. I would be actively looking for an alternative school for your child if I were you.

You are absolutely not obliged to participate in this harsh madness.

The school has got their relationship to you and your child all wrong.

They are not the final authority when it comes to your child. You are.

Why are you even considering their suggestion?

You are the parent, you decide what she attends after school. Just do what you think is right and no need to tell the teacher (but don't encourage your child to lie either). But presumably you have chose this school for a reason so I guess you have to support to some extent but sounds like you are anyway. I don't understand why your 9yo child needs a mobile phone but each to their own I guess.

She is your child. Not the states. Do what you think is appropriate. This state interference in family life needs challenged.

As @dimllaishebiaith explained, it's because I'm not entering into debate about whether the 'offences' merit home punishment or whether home punishment should be a thing in the first place, it's because it is a penalty based solely upon her disability.

If they were saying 'She takes painkillers daily? Or injects biologics fortnightly? Well, don't give them to her' or 'She's coeliac? Put some wheat in her lunchbox, that'll teach her to do as she's told', it would be clearly unacceptable. Removing her therapeutic activity is just as heinous a punishment and it should be the overriding argument in a complaint.

If I heard a colleague saying as much, I would be reporting them myself for disability discrimination - and there is no power on earth or heaven (and certainly not any member of SLT) that could coerce me into making such a discriminatory statement, so 'Oh, I'm only following orders' is not good enough.

It sounds like the demon headmaster school. I’d look for a different one too.

This.

Prisoners doing time for murder, rape, gbh, selling drugs, and making child pornography are treated better than your daughter is being treated in this school, OP.

I'm a teacher and I wouldn't back that at all. I would let all her activities carry on.

I’d be complaining about them pushing you to stop an activity that you explained is medically beneficial to her.

That is beyond ridiculous. Thinking it acceptable to increase a child’s pain as punishment for very very minor things shows that the schools discipline manner has got completely and utterly out of hand.

This is absolutely appalling, I can’t beleive how punitive they are being or you’re agreeing to any of it. I’d have went through her like a dose of fucking salt for evem suggesting I do any of that.

This is all insane. I wouldn’t be stopping any of her activities if this was my child.

Op let her do all her activities. Do not punish her more for these minor issues. Send an email to the head explaining you will not be doing further punishment and you will not accept any further conversations about punishing your child.

Behaviour at school has consequences at school. Imagine parents demanding that their child doesn’t have any play time that day because of something they did at home!

That is ridiculous for students in Year 5- regardless of whether it’s a middle school or not. Completely over the top. I’d find another school

As @dimllaishebiaith explained, it's because I'm not entering into debate about whether the 'offences' merit home punishment or whether home punishment should be a thing in the first place, it's because it is a penalty based solely upon her disability.

Apologies, I misunderstood your point - I should read more carefully on a knackered Friday night.

That sounds like a lot of harsh punishment for relatively minor infractions. I wouldn't take away anything and I definitely wouldn't take away a therapeutic activity.

So she's done something at school that the teacher feels warrants detention. OK so that's the teachers call. She does the detention takes her punishment & IMO that should be it. You don't do multiple punishments for the one thing.

I wouldn't be stopping any after school activities. Once she's left school for the days the school get no say in what happens with her

I went to school in the 60s/70s and we could have a drink of water when we needed to.

Your DD's school have clearly peaked too soon. How are they going to punish bullying and racism etc? Hanging by the neck until dead?

She is already being punished at the school. Why on earth are you continuing to punish her at home?

Surely the detention is the punishment? No need for further!

What kind of Miss Trunchbull run school have you sent her to?! Sounds horrendous. My son’s secondary school isn’t even that strict. Kids at 9 should be in a primary school setting where detentions aren’t a thing.
Poor little lamb 😔

No of course you shouldn’t restrict pain-relief as a form of punishment. FFS.

Change schools.