To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

A spine please OP!!!!
This.

It sounds like a horrific school in general, but for them to actually suggest withholding medically beneficial activities as punishment?

I hope it’s made you see the light, OP, because they are abusing your child. You need to be a better parent.

I really feel such empathy for parents put in this position by schools which are forcing parents and children into such combative relationships. The punishment the school is asking for is way over the top for the age of your child. Emotional regulation at this age is still developing, schools are getting too eager to punish children excessively, detention should be punishment enough. I wouldn't stop her from all her after school activities or threaten her with not letting her sing in the choir if it brings her such joy and relief from pain, that is counterproductive and cruel. Why are schools getting so punitive? Surely we learned from the past that carrots work better than sticks? This is regressive treatment that teaches children to dread making any errors or slight misbehaviours due to their immaturity

Try to get her put in prison, she’d have far more rights and would probably enjoy herself more…. Are you kidding me! Get your child out of there, it sounds horrendous! No nine year old should have that level of restrictions… I couldn’t do two hours without a drink! Are you posting from North Korea?

I feel like the message that “rules are rules” is deeply ingrained into the British psyche somehow. I’ve seen people argue many times that one of the reasons schools should be strict about uniform is that children need to learn to obey rules for the sake of it. I don’t get it at all!

I’m a teacher and this sounds dreadful. I’m intrigued as to what she’s had the detentions for as most unwanted behaviour happens for a reason, which I’d like to be able to address as a teacher and a parent.

Also as a parent I never take away paid activities from my children as punishments. This is for several reasons. One being that I volunteer on a couple of out of school activities children attend and it’s really hard to run sessions properly when people don’t turn up. It’s not the activity leader’s fault. Also I pay for activities so I’m not punishing myself by paying for something my child isn’t attending. It’s just not on. Also my children are both part of groups/teams and them being pulled by me would impact on the other kids involved and it’s not fair to let other people down.

I would take away personal choices such as meeting friends for play dates as long as they haven’t already been planned in advance. Again, it’s not another child’s fault but could depend on nature of meet up. However one of my kids never leaves the house without me other than to attend paid for activities so it can be hard to find things to take away. They are autistic.

I also think punishments should fit the crime and should be instant and not dragged on. So she’s had her detentions at school and done the after school one. So that’s it. I would possibly consider a warning of a future home punishment if it was to continue. Maybe extra chores or something really boring to be done. Although one of my kids quite likes some chores.

Depending on age and additional needs of a child, punishing something later on the week has lost its effect.

Move school! Detention for any of these things you have listed are ridiculous. This school is abusive. Do you want your dd to grow up to be an abusive bully by following her teachers' example or a kind, helpful person who thinks for herself?

@celticprincess

The reasons for detention are on the first page of the thread (and have been expanded on slightly since)

1. forgot her locker key;
2. drank water outside of designated drinking times;
3. house badge pinned in the wrong place.

WTAF! I expected you to say that she had been bullying other students or distrupting the class or something. This punishment seems overkill

Completely agree. I have never punished my DC either and have 2 happy, well behaved DC.

Crikey. Please name and shame the school so I know never to send my kids there.

I was going to ask if she had murdered someone as the punishments were so severe! But having read further into the thread, these offences seem trivial. Yes I understand school rules etc. But the teacher is over stepping the mark here. You choose to punish your own kids your way outside of school and besides the detentions seem enough for these misdemeanours!

I actually find this thread chilling. A vulnerable disabled 9 yo DC is sent to a Draconian punitive school that even seeks to use the DC's chronic pain as a way to punish and control them for putting a badge on the wrong place and for being thirsty. The mother instead of removing the DC from this school immediately on realising this, actually supports the school and goes on to punish the DC further by removing all activities including a concert that the DC has shown joy in every morning baring in mind her school day is completely joyless. She also considers supporting the school in removing her DC's therapeutic activity. The DC's phone is removed to so she can't even seek support for this abuse from her other parent. This could be a horror movie. I hope the OP has come to her senses and disappeared from embarrassment. I hope this DC is ok.

These type of punishments are cruel the punishment is detention and at a mear 9 years old a severe punishment.
Instead of being punished once your child is punished 4 times.
No way would a child of mine be punished 4 times.
Ofstead needs to look at this.

Ex Abused Child now Adult.

No chance would i be cancelling her after school activities for a key (easily forgotten, and they didn't let her call home), being thirsty and a house pin (also easily forgotten). I sure as hell wouldn't be cancelling the concert. And cancelling Yoga which is basically her physiothery-esque activity wiould be shitty parenting.

Well said.

Speaking as someone who's taught KS2-KS5, those punishments are ridiculous and over-harsh. Putting additional home punishments is excessive and completely unnecessary. I wouldn't be stopping the phone or the activities - I'd be trying to support them to be more organized.

Personally, I can't understand just ignoring the abusive behaviour from the school. You'd tell the school you agreed with and would remove your DC's therapy thereby increasing their pain because they had a sip of water and put a badge in the wrong place? I find that cowardly. Why would you not advocate for your DC?

School could take a running jump if they think they could dictate how I punish my child outside of school. Regardless of that anyway, Some kids might not do any activities outside school at all. So the ones that do or do more than others are having to lose them and are being punished more than others? Some afterschool activities are for the benefit of wraparound childcare rather than just a fun extra curricular activity. Are those parents supposed to stop that activity and then not work or have to find additional childcare just to cover it? Absolutely impossible for these expectations to be equal for all. Also the fact that one of her activities is a health benefit and not just for fun and they’re expecting it to stop is cruel! Detention for having a drink? Wtaf! Are they joking! We should be encouraging children to drink more water not preventing it! I thought it was 2024 not 1924. These reasons she’s got detention are absolutely bonkers. Fair enough if she’d actually had bad behaviour, but you as a parent then get to decide additional punishment, be that taking away a phone for a weekend or a Nintendo switch etc. but that’s up to you as a parent and these types of punishments are for correcting bad behaviour not the ridiculous things she’s being punished for. Punishments like that don’t correct forgetting a locker key etc. it’s totally disproportionate! She’s not been naughty! So don’t stop any of the activities or even the cafe after yoga! It’s not their business!

This school has an unhinged lead.

Also, we pay for these activities. There’s no way I’m not taking my child and just having that money spent go to waste!

Call in ChildAbuseUK. Children's society's
Ofstead speak to other parents.

As a teacher I think school are being outrageously over the top. The detentions are punishment enough for her ‘crimes’. I don’t think you should punish further, especially at 9 years old. My school is pretty strict but this is another level. Total insanity.

Tell the teacher that you are absolutely not going to do something that will cause your daughter to be in unessecary pain, by cutting something out that eases her pain!!

You thought you'd be in the minority???? 🤯

The number of parents on prior posts though praising this utterly hideous model of education.

The woman is an absolute danger and I think the fact that she can reach the position she has tells how broken education is in this country.