To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

I would go absolutely ballistic that they even suggested I take away an activity that relives pain. I would be removing my child from this school. It is far too punitive.

My 11yo is heading to a specialist provision for high school and I’m just so happy he won’t have to deal with all this bollocks.

But the things they do - it’s actually what would benefit every child regardless of any SEN. Smaller classes, time out if overwhelmed, access to outside areas when needed, toilets for each year group accessible as necessary, ability to personalise their desks. Tailored syllabus, no detentions, no homework until y10.

Imagine if all schools were more nurturing and less like prison camps.

I would treat this activity more as a medical appointment with a physio. The teacher/ school wouldn't expect you to cancel that. So no way also your child you choose the punishment not the teacher. Do they know everything your child does 24/7. I wouldn't have told them about it TBH.

I think prison is much more lenient and has more respect for the inmates!!

... what the heck did she do?! Murder the class hamster?!
This is really cr**, lazy parenting strategies by school... but to urge you to do the same is just awful

Bloody hell, do you always blindly do what people in positions of authority tell you to?
I think it’s time you learned to advocate for your child and do what you think is is right.

I wouldn't stop any of the activities. Her punishment was the detentions, no need to punish her again (for such ridiculous reasons that got her the detentions in the first place)!

Don’t stop ANY of her activities, she got detention and that’s enough, school is over steppping their position by telling you to stop everything and take phones etc away! Tell them to jog on

This school sounds appalling.
I think you need to re think as to whether these punishments fit the 'crime'.
If it were my child, I'd be looking for another school.

I’m really sorry but this ⬆️

what is going on here. You are her parents you decide what to do. I’d not be removing anything. I’d have a restorative conversation around appropriate behaviour at school. End of. Nod and tell school thanks you’ll consider your options. The end

I wouldn’t be taking away any of the activities, those are stupid things to give detentions over!

I'm curious to know what kind of life this school is preparing these children for... 🤔

There's not many life experiences I can think of, that this might be useful preparation for - here's a couple I could think of though:

• Life in a maximum-security prison
• The life of an Olympic athlete, competing for an authoritarian communist state
• A hostage taken by a country with shocking disregard for people's human rights

I think that the people responsible for making and enforcing rules like these, should be compelled to abide by them themselves.

I would love to see the headmaster sitting in detention for daring to take a sip of drink outside of the decreed permissible 90-minute drinking window.

Or being made to stay behind, in solitary confinement after work, for forgetting to wear his tie clip.

When will we wake up to the fact that children deserve basic human rights as well.

Is this school Dotheboy's Hall by any chance? It sounds like a terrible school to me - very unkind and uncaring. I echo what many others have said - is there any chance of changing schools, preferably to a normal 5-11 primary school?

It worries me that so many parents follow schools so much they dont even realise when the rules are batshit crazy!
A detention, losing free time, for putting a pin in slightly the wrong place.
A detention for wanting to hydrate (the horror)
And another for forgetting something once!

The only positive is how many people on this post see how totally over the top this is, but you so often read how parents enforce these ridiculous rules, just as you were fully willing to do.

You were considering, even a small amount, stopping your Daughter exercising, which not only directly affects her pain levels but directly contradicts what we are told to do for health and wellbeing, for things that were really minor.

I think this is a good point to have a think about what made you almost going along with this insanity at all, rather than ask the school what on earth makes them think this is reasonable.

I never want to be that parent that questions everything, but I think there is a time and place to follow rules but this is absolutely bonkers. The things our children do growing up affect their whole lives, do you really want a large chunk of her childhood to be following such absolutely bonkers rules, scared to have a sip of water or not put a pin in exactly the right spot?

I am all for education but not at the cost of our childrens wellbeing and mental health and rules like that could end up having a detrimental effect.

Good grief this school sounds like it’s back in the dark ages!

You’ve done enough, it’s not like she’s murdered someone.

I wouldn’t let my child have a detention for this let alone take away phone/privileges.

You need to find her a new school, pronto. I appreciate it might not be easy or convenient but you are failing your daughter by subjecting her to this place.

When school becomes the child's parent they can have a say. Until then they can fuck off.

Oh my goodness that is excessive. The detention should be enough and maybe a chat at home about acceptable behaviour.

I agree, in fact I find parents blindly following these ridiculous, pretty rules even more concerning than the fact that the schools dream them up in the first place. It's almost like the schools are not content to just have complete control over the children's days, they want to control their parents too and by the sounds of it they are doing a pretty good job. When are people going to wake up and say enough is enough and stop listening to these bullies who are on a complete power trip? What kind of citizens are these schools trying to produce? Couldn't possibly be compliant, non questioning, sheeple, who will answer 'how high' when asked to jump could it🙄.

School has no place telling you to punish outside of school as well as their own punishments - unless she’s been pushing drugs or beating up other kids I would politely tell the school to jog on.

Why would you be taking away any of it? Making a child unhappy won’t make them behave. Especially now I know what your child has supposedly done! I would not allow my child to attend a detention for any of those reasons you coward!

“Should I cause my child physical pain because her teacher asked me to?” :(

A spine please OP!!!!

Tell the school to eff off. You still have to pay for activities even if the kid doesn't go!

They can't control you like that and you shouldn't let them.

My DD goes to a Catholic school. It's about as far from this school in philosophy as you can get. The motto is to treat others as you wish to be treated yourself.