To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Absolutely not! It sounds to me as if your DD has special needs which need to be taken into account by her teacher. The therapy of her class is essential to her wellbeing, both mental and physical and I would be telling the teacher that you will not deprive her on the basis of such petty transgressions. If this teacher is persistently handing out detentions to your daughter it could be a form of bullying. Then, I’d be inclined to seek help from the SEND to make sure this teacher is aware and makes allowances for your daughter’s condition. I hope things get better.

I would be taking my child out of this school. It's one thing being strict, but another thing not prioritising a child's physical wellbeing. Getting detentions for such minor infringements in Yr 5 ( regardless if it's a primary/middle or high school) is awful in my opinion, but I appreciate we are all different. But for them to urge you to take away an activity that physically benefits a child with a health condition feels sadistic.

I wouldn’t take any away actually. I feel age 9 is a ridiculous age to be getting detention! They’re still so young. You can speak to her about her actions etc but taking her phone, and activities away is just too much. From experience, my children at that age benefitted more from praise for what they did do well and not much attention to be paid to the things that they have done wrong. More attention on the bad, can put children in a bad space, and it just then continues.

@StoppingTheClassDueToDetention

There is no afternoon breaktime so they're expected to go from 1pm-3.45pm with no drinks. They're not allowed water bottles in class with them or even in their bags to carry around.

That's rather harsh. Too easy to become dehydrated and all the health issues that entails. As an adult I ensure I'm properly hydrated throughout the day for my own health. 🌹

Jesus Christ. WTF kind of awful school is this?

She’s NINE years old and had three detentions for completely minor and unimportant things and school are asking you to take away outside school activities too?

And you’re seriously considering doing this and her choir concert too?

Your poor poor child.

i cannot imagine in a million years subjecting my (or any) 9yo to this.

Quite frankly, your child has a detention. Outside of that I’d be telling the school to fuck right off in trying to police out of school stuff. That is for you and you alone.

I haven't read much of this thread but wow this sounds absolutely bonkers! All this punishment, beyond detention, taking away activities, for doing NORMAL THINGS like drinking water?! And forgetting a key? Wow. I read the first post thinking these punishments sound extreme, she must have done something really naughty. But she has done nothing wrong in my opinion! I would not listen to the teachers, I'd allow her to do every single one of her normal activities ESPECIALLY the yoga for medical reasons. I can't believe this whole post. I mean, what would you do if she was caught taking drugs?! Export her to Australia?!

What the hell is this place 😳

Sounds like the type of school I hate.
I’d not let any of my children do detention for any of those reasons, never mind stop any home activities or take away their phone/fun etc.
Sounds more like a prison or boot camp than a school. Stupid rules for no reason other than absolute power and control. The middle reason for detention really annoys me, especially as health is important and staying hydrated is a key part of being healthy. Ridiculous!
I would be very interested to know if staff are only allowed to sip water/drinks at break and lunch time and don’t do it between lessons.

Wow. Sounds more like Alcatraz than a school. Out of school activities are none of their business.

Err her school are taking discipline to a whole new level. Also no educator has the right to dictate to you like this, if they want to follow these measures at school then ok but telling a parent exactly how to discipline their child at home is unacceptable, sounds to me like their a bit too jumped up on their own power, stand your ground with them or they will walk all over you.

What a horrendously shit school this is. A detention for having a drink?? When she has a medical condition?! And another one for having a pin badge in the wrong place?

Fuck that. If I was your daughter, I wouldn't turn up lmao.

Err no. School sanctions got school behaviour. Home sanctions for home behaviour. Ridiculous otherwise

I find this utterly incomprehensible for such minor misdemeanours, surely the detention is sufficient punishment and even that seems quite harsh to me and I had a very strict education over 55 years ago when far fewer things were tolerated than they are now.
Was your DD cheeky or abusive in return for being reprimanded, it certainly does sound like it. No way would I be punishing her further, and I would seriously consider taking the school to task for this ott , Draconian attitude - where do they go if a child does something seriously wrong or dangerous when they've used up all their options over locker keys , water and badges.

Sorry but you should be advocating for your daughter… if being hydrated helps her condition then she should have a care plan in place ECP in place and signed by her specialist stating that she is allowed to drink in lesson & use toilet as and when needed.
Her detentions are for very minor / trivial things and would not only be refusing to continue the punishment at home but I’d be formally complaining.
Buy her a keychain for her locker key and attach it to the inside of her bag (long chain so she doesn’t have to unclip)… and like I say water should be in a careplan!

I would not entertain this from school. I would say yes, I’ll discuss with my child about following the (fucking stupid) school rules but as for stopping activities etc.

hard nope.

I would be suggesting to the school that this reflects that they are failing to make adjustments for her disability under the Equality Act 2010. I would not be removing any activities for her. If it wasn't for her disability she might not need to be drinking outside of their times so she is being punished for her disability.

I would be asking for more adjustments for her in school and more education of her teachers in terms of the nature of her condition and the reasonable adjustment she needs.

Blimey, this is a real school not Jane Eyre?

I cooperate with the school - of course but school would never be able to dictate us to deprive the child of activities during out of school hours.
And a medically based and necessary activity? - it's 100% up to us.

My DD's school is also the only one in our city (and surrounding towns) with no blazer and tie. It beats all the comprehensives and even some of the grammars. Not surprising as the DC are happy. And they are the smartest looking as well!

They can't tell you what to do out of school, just ignore them 😂

Fwiw, OP, I mentioned this thread to DH who used to be chair of Governers at a local school & his instant response was 'take her out'.

Is this one of those barking mad academy schools? In my opinion, none of your DSs infringements even deserve a detention and certainly not the removal of outside activities. Why on earth are you even thinking of that? Someone asked what punishment might be imposed for more serious rule breaking: I can tell you. We have a school like this in our area (think named after the capital of Greece), a friend's DS received a 40 minute detention because his ruler wasn't transparent, another boy received the same punishment for fighting.
What message are we sending to our DC? These schools seem to be governed by ideologically driven bullies. I would find another school ASAP and urge anyone else sending their DC to a school such as this to think again.

Sorry:DDs

I get that she's in a middle system but most 9 year olds are in primary where detentions aren't even a thing. At 9 the stuff shes done, she should just be getting a reminder ffs. These kind of rules will either make her the biggest rebel going (hopefully) or break her spirit. Its school, not the bloody army. Honestly, when you mentioned drinking I thought shes been caught with yodka in her water bottle. No way on earth would i be stopping after school activites for these "crimes" the detention is bad enough, and as for the teacher telling you she cant do her "yoga" cos there's a social element, she'd have been (politely) told that isn't happening. Looking forward to the update when you tell us you've put her in a nice primary.