To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Totally agree

..and the government wonders why attendance rates are low! There is a limit and many schools have crossed over to psychological abuse territory. we shouldn’t forget that facism was accepted by the populations in many countries. If you want to know what you’d do in 20th century facist countiries - look at whether you’ll keep sending your kids to this kind of institution against best medical advice and research because the authorise tell you to and other people don’t know better. Let’s do better as parents.

These are all ridiculous reasons for a detention anyway. The school needs to rethink its priorities!

Surely you pay for these extra curricula activities and so will be wasting money! The school has zero right to expect you to withdraw these! In addition a DT is surely sufficient punishment without further home sanctions! This sounds draconian

Wow,seriously strict for a 9 year old!! She cant even have a drink,thats madness!!! Stick to your guns,and to be honest shes 9 years old I wouldnt be punishing her outside if school for those reasons.....if it was bad behaviour its a different story but my god shes 9 years old. Let her be a kid. She will have to worry about silly rules for long enough.x

I'm astonished that she couldn't take a drink out of her water bottle between lessons. I thought hydration was encouraged? I could understand if she was chugging away during the lesson (which, actually, I did encourage when we had really hot weather) but this seems unnecessarily draconian.

The school can go fuck themselves. You’re the parent you decide what the punishment is at home. Many children are in afterschool activities because the parents are working. That or tell the teacher to come home and babysit for you while you work.

From speaking to DD the rules about the water between lessons is possibly because they're not supposed to go to their lockers between lessons. Remember it's like a secondary school so they change classrooms every lesson.

They're supposed to go to the locker in the morning drop off all books/equipment apart from for Lessons 1 and 2, go again at break for Lessons 3 and 4 stuff, then again at Lunch for 5 and 6.

There is no afternoon breaktime so they're expected to go from 1pm-3.45pm with no drinks. They're not allowed water bottles in class with them or even in their bags to carry around.

Same with toilet breaks they can go before school, at breaktime, lunchtime and as they leave school for the day.

Wow this is bonkers, I wouldn't be removing any of the activities that you've already presumably had to pay out for? The teacher is stepping away over the mark to try and tell you how to manage your own child at home. Definitely do not remove the activity that benefits your dc. They have been punished in school, no need to carry it on at home.

There is no afternoon breaktime so they're expected to go from 1pm-3.45pm with no drinks. They're not allowed water bottles in class with them or even in their bags to carry around.

Does that mean they can’t go to the loo between 1 and 3:45 either?!

I was a teacher (9-18) for many years. This teacher has no right to make such a request . I’m very surprised and disappointed that a fellow professional acted in such an unacceptably intrusive way.

I wouldn't stop any of her activities. This school seems overbearing. And the detentions seem overbearing as well.

@ZebraDanios Yes they have to have a toilet pass to go in lessons so yes

They have form time 1.10-1.30pm then Lesson 5 1.35-2.35 and lesson 6 from 2.40-3.45pm

Also, OP - how on earth school knows so much about your daughter's private life? Like, how do they know what she does outside of school? And why the fuck they think they can control it??? Its crazy and very, very intrusive and inappropriate.

I assume you also pay for the activities, so are you feeling ok with paying for her not doing it because school simply decided she's not doing it? This is wrong on so many levels and it feels like you have been brainwashed to think it is normal - it is not. What's next? School telling you what to feed her? What she can watch on TV? Where she can go on holiday, who she be friends with? Its fucking insane.

Yoga is her medicine so no don’t stop it and let the school know this. You are all trying to correct behavior problems so it’s important to be on the same page.

The detention is the punishment (especially for these misdemeanors). I wouldn't cancel any of the activities.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, never mind stopping her doing after-school activities, I'd be stopping her from going to that school entirely.

What a ridiculous trumped-up load of petty-fogging rules for children that young to have to follow.

I’m a teacher and on a Tuesday I have lessons from 12:50-3:50 with no time in between. I can only avoid going to the loo between those times if I make sure I don’t drink anything after 10am. I’m an adult - how are children supposed to manage this?

What the hell. No, I wouldn't stop any of it and I'd tell them to back the hell off if they brought it up again. Poor kid.

These rules are draconian and I would not be stopping any activities at all. But I wouldn't tell the teacher that. It sounds like the sort of thing a child will still be ruminating on aged 30 :-(

The day my DC did something actually naughty, yes I absolutely would stop an activity.

Just don't tell the teacher.

Her form tutor is the one being very unreasonable. Ignore what she says. You know better than she does.

Stop her yoga, which she needs for health reasons? That's totally wrong. The offenses seem really minor too! You're already stopping 2 OOS activities - one more than 8 would have done!

Apart from taking the phone I don't think these seem much like punishments to me. Tbh I would be focusing on why she has had so many detentions and work on preventing this happening again.

None of this is good or in the interests of 9-13 year olds OP. Middle school is not prison! You're replying as if people don't understand what kind of school it is even though plenty of secondary teachers are saying the rules are draconian.

I just read the reasons for detentions. This sounds like a very strict school; it may not be the best fit for her.

No!!!! Seriously??? My child would not be missing any of her non school classes for these things. I thought she’d done something really serious to warrant the punishment. This is usual stuff that year 5’s 9? 10 Year olds? are learning to deal with.