To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

There's no way in the world I'd punish my child for any of that.

YANBU - The "yoga" is physical therapy, which is not a frivolous fun activity but a medically necessary one, so no yanbu to refuse to cancel it, regardless of what your DD has done. Even if your DD had done something truly awful to deserve a detention, she also still deserves to not be left in physical pain which withdrawing from the "yoga" would cause.

Regardless of that, the infractions that she has got the detention for seem very petty. Yes you sign up for the school rules but for those kind of infractions I would expect the after school detention to be the only consequence - I would not be withdrawing my DD from out of school activities because she forgot a key once, drank some water at the wrong time and wore a badge in the wrong place and I would not be happy if the school expected me to do so, especially when the withdrawal from activities, taking of tech etc is not a proportional consequence for the "crime" and becomes punitive for the sake of it.

If DD was supposed to have an after school activity on the day of the detention that she had to miss then yes I would support that because the consequence of her actions (IE committing enough infractions, however small, to earn a detention) have directly lead to the activity being missed but I would not be actively cancelling everything on other days just because the school wants her punished further. Not only that but I have paid for all of DDs activities so it is my decision as to whether she attends - unless the school were going to reimburse me for the missed sessions due to their punishment policy then they have zero say over what my DD does outside of school hours.

If the detention was for something actually worth punishment - repeatedly not doing homework, being rude to teachers, being disruptive in classes, fighting or bullying etc then I would 100% support the school if they broached the subject of out of school sanctions on top of detention. Those behaviours are not acceptable from DD whether she is in or out of school so consequences both at school and at home will reinforce that and discourage it from being repeated, but I would expect the school to respect my final decision as a parent as to which activities were non-negotiable in that decision.

I work in a secondary school and we wouldn’t give detentions for those misdemeanours. It sounds horrific. No way should you be taking school punishments home. Let her do the yoga and the tutor can do one. Way too harsh for this age.

I'm confused, so it was the OPs fault for sending her daughter to the school when she should have known this would happen and now its also the OPs fault for not being angry enough?

But not the schools fault?

I agree the OP should be angrier. But that doesn't mean that the whole "devil's advocate" maybe its her fault in the first place was ever going to help, as it could just make her doubt herself more, so how is that appropriate?

I think all of those reasons are absolutely rubbish reasons to give a child detention in the first place and definitely none of them are any reason at all for your child to be punished outside school as well. She has not disrupted a lesson, she has not littered or damaged any property, she has not been horrible to anyone or hurt anyone or any of the more serious things there might be a case for this for...but even if she had, I am really sure that most child mental health experts would tell you the absolute WORST thing you could do to a child who is getting in to trouble at school is take away things they enjoy out of school..those things could be a lifeline for some kids. Honestly, if you want an easy advice I would tell them you are doing what they ask but then just not do it, otherwise just tell them you are not doing it...

@ZebraDanios

Because these schools use their power to keep parents off property, don’t return calls, refer to policies etc and treat children like an annoyance to be quelled.

Parents have the fight worn out of them by all the shit they’re dealing with anyway that this is just one more thing to ‘leave’.

Do you think the kids at fee paying are worrying about this shit? You know what happens when a child isn’t in correct uniform where I work? Nothing.

’Sam - you’re wearing trainers. Please don’t wear them again or I’ll have to contact your parents’ and on goes the lesson.

Detentions are saved for fighting, bullying, extreme rudeness and serious matters. No one has the fucking time to be checking where your badges are.

Sorry, I’m explaining this very badly!

I am defending OP against the posters who are asking why she isn’t doing more to protest against these rules. It sounds like she had little choice but to send her child there and isn’t able to remove her now, but equally I’m not sure that questioning the rules will result in the school changing them. So maybe the best thing to do would be to protect her child from further punishment by making sure she knows exactly what is a detention-able offence, while also making it very clear to her DD that she doesn’t agree with the rules herself.

I think the punishments are a side issue. It's more important to get to the bottom of why she's getting so many detentions. Something isn't right somewhere.

YANBU (except in agreeing to punish your daughter with regard to extra-curricular activities at all)

Firstly, if someone gets a detention, THAT is the punishment. Parents should not be expected to impose extra punishments.

Secondly, the offences are relatively minor. I had thought that you were going to say that your dd was being punished for bullying or vandalism or at the very least for chronic disruptiveness in lessons. What will the school have left to impose if a child does do something really serious?

Thirdly, I am quite shocked that the school is prepared to deprive a child of an activity that helps to treat her pain. (It would not surprise me BTW if your dd is sometimes a bit forgetful just BECAUSE she is in pain.) Schools are quite rightly banned from imposing corporal punishment - but denying a child a treatment that helps her pain is in essence corporal punishment, and more cruel in its effects than a smack on the hand or bottom would normally be.

Who does this teacher think she is, Miss Trunchbull?

I'd be looking for another school.

I wouldn’t stop any of it! No one else dictates the loss of activities. I hope she isn’t part of a team that will mean she’s showing less commitment to that too.

Honestly, she’s 9! School have already punished her !!!!
why she needs 3 activities removed, a phone removed to prove a point is beyond me!

Wtf?! Detention is the punishment- unless it’s something really bad, why would further punish her?! And the school cannot tell you how to parent, that’s ludicrous

Oh yes she had a sip of water and forgot to bring something in. Let's call in the child psychologists!

Yes you sign up for the school rules but for those kind of infractions I would expect the after school detention to be the only consequence

I would expect a “don’t do it again” to be the only consequence, even in secondary. Except the pin, for which I would expect no consequence because no sane person would even notice, and the drinking, because that’s a basic physiological need.

Everytime I see shit like this I'm more and more glad we chose home Ed!

Not only would I not be cancelling any outside activities or removing her phone (school punishments are carried out at school imo) but I'd of told them where to poke the after school one too

The only thing I’d be taking her out of is that school, they sound ridiculously harsh. Why on earth would you punish at home for wearing a house pin in the wrong place, having the temerity to have a drink, forgetting something once??

Edited to add that OP should insist her DD has some kind of drinking pass - but agree with others that she shouldn’t need one because all children should be allowed to drink.

The school are insanely strict, I can't see why any of that warranted a detention, possibly a demerit but honestly even that seems harsh for wearing a badge on her lapel instead of her tie.. at 9 years old!!!! What on earth is their objective here? Its just punishment for punishment sake.

@Merryoldgoat Well, that was kind of my point - if I dealt with every “pin in the wrong position” level of uniform infraction in my classes, the bell would ring before I’d got any teaching done. There can’t be that many schools that are like this, surely?

I wouldn’t stop any of it or take anything away
the detention is the punishment and by allowing your child to attend you’re supporting it
what a ridiculous concept

Ridiculous reasons for detentions..so def wouldn't stop her doing any of her out of school things or allow teacher to say what to do.
Can't believe children in y5 end up with after school detentions.

I didn't realise that there were many middle schools left. I have never liked this system. Children are treated as if they are at secondary school as nine year olds, yet the thirteen year olds at the top.end of the school are, in many ways, treated as if they were still at primary school. It doesn't work for many children because of this and I think that it can put the younger children at a disadvantage because they still need more nurturing than a big secondary style school can provide and the older children are at a disadvantage because they are mollycoddled more than they would usually be in year eight, plus starting the upper school in year nine means that they really need pushing to reach the maturity and depth of work needed to start GCSE courses only one year later. This poor little girl is a shining example of this.

I can think of 4 senior schools near me that give detentions for anything they can including the wrong socks (which you can’t even see unless you do a fucking inspection).

Can’t take of your blazer without asking permission.

Detentions for minor uniform infractions

NO branding on ANYTHING

Detention for a forgotten ruler

Locked loos outside of lunch time

I have no idea what they think they’re achieving.

Tbh I would be saying to DD you have completed your punishment which was detention . Nothing more is needed as the things you did were not at all serious , And I’d tell school that youve told her that . Over punishing for anything is demoralising but especially for things so ludicrous ! Poor kid !!

I wouldn't do any of it. The reasons for the detentions are so trivial. If it was behaviour related then maybe, but not for those things.

You’re the parent, it’s your decision to put consequences in place, not the teacher. I’m all for supporting school as I’ve had to do it with my kids but they can cross a line. Schools these days are like prison camps. Rules are far too harsh for a lot of kids. My child got a detention after school sir picking a pencil up off the floor in class. I rang and asked to speak to the teacher. She said he caused disruption and never asked permission. Absolutely appalling. I made up a doctors appointment and picked him up so he never went. Not punishing him for that.