To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

What your dd has done sounds developmentally normal - detentions would be incredibly demotivating and could be damaging and would cause stress making it more likely that things would be forgotten in future ie making the problem worse. The school sounds insane. I agree with other posters who say don't punish - there are better ways to get kids to remember things. I would be advocating to the school that they review their detention policy.

If you look at ahaparenting.com, the psychologist who writes it explains in detail why punishment can be damaging and is unlikely to be effective. The author is a clinpsych. It might be worth having a look and bringing the psych aspects to the attention of the school. Sorry if someone else has already said this haven't RFT.

Add my voice to the chorus of disbelief and disgust at the school.

I went to a ridiculously strict Presbyterian school in the 80s and 90s and even they wouldn't have given detentions to year 5s for simple stuff like this, let alone encouraging out of school sanctions for a badge being in the wrong spot or having forgotten a bit of kit.

I thought maybe she was going to be caught drinking alcohol, but water in the corridor 🤪🤣🤣.

Where is there to go to from there for behaviour which actually warrents a detention?!

Let your little girl enjoy all her outside school activities. The school have exercised the discipline they felt they had to by issuing detentions and probably best not to undermine the school/teachers, but you don't have to let it spill over into happy home life. How is it in anyway a logical consequence? Bizzarre.

All utterly trivial.

I'm all for running a tight ship but this sounds more like a cult than a school. OP is worryingly relaxed about accepting their bullshit as the norm because they "wear a blazer"!

What next?! School says "no chocolate at Easter from Granny". School says "up at 5am and a cold shower".
I'm genuinely interested (concerned!) what happens there for more serious misdemeanours?!
Off the point, but I'm kind of sad the girl couldn't participate in a concert because it fell on a day her Dad had her. Wouldn't he support her?

The detentions are for ridiculous reasons as it is, especially for a 9 year old. I would not be removing any of her activities or her phone. I would only consider additional punishment out of school if it was something serious such as violence or bullying but even then I wouldn't stop an activity that is needed for a medical condition. The school sounds awful, I'd be considering moving my child. Punishment for having a drink is crazy! As is a form tutor urging you to do something that is likely to result in your child being in pain. Some schools would be reporting you to SS if you withdrew an activity needed for a medical condition as punishment.

Like many have said, I wouldn't stop any of her activities for so minor things. I would probably move her school if it was possible (understand it may not be). The school is ridiculous. It's like you send her to the army rather than a school. I would probably also tell my kid that the school is being ridiculous to ensure she understands that where she puts a pin is not at all important in the grand schene of life!

You can ask for a medical exemption on the water, and I would do that if I were you. I also think all of those rules are stupid, so I wouldn't be reinforcing them at home anyway. I'm a teacher, so I have to enforce uniform rules but I don't think they're a big enough issue to warrant extra punishment at home. Being disruptive or not completing work at school or home, absolutely, but not for those rules.

Your daughter has a weekly physio session. If she thinks of it as an after school activity fine, but in reality it is physio.

There is no reason to cancel medical treatment, even if it held as an after school activity.

Yes it’s hard to see how the conversation even came about, and why OP was so complicit in agreeing to the teacher’s instructions on following up with further sanctions at home. So much so that OP came on here to ask our permission to not impose a punishment which would actively worsen her DD’s physical health.

Did the teacher take OP aside and say, ‘Mrs Stopping, we need to discuss your daughter’s terrible behaviour’? If it had been me, I think I would have found it hard to keep a straight face on hearing what the terrible behaviour was!

Has sent an email to school asking for clarification of why she exactly got the detention.

She did her activity this morning and will go to Choir on Monday.

She will have her phone to speak to her dad tonight but hand it back (thats normal for us) but I wouldn't have stopped her speaking to her dad anyway

I've already commented but this has been on my mind all afternoon as it's so upsetting that a) she is being punished for these things at school and b) her mother is not only supporting the punishment at school but also enforcing further punishments at home c) the appropriate punishment is considered to be taking away EVERYTHING which enriches her life or she enjoys and d) that this should extend to WITHDRAWING SUPPORT WITH HER DISABILITY in order to cause physical pain. OP can you not see that the school is completely in the wrong and you and the school are now working together to abuse your 9 year old child?!

Detention one, forgetting a locker key is NOT bad behaviour, it's being human.
Detention two, she has a human right to drink water when she's thirsty.
Detention three, OK, so her badge was in the wrong place, making that into such a big deal is absurd.

You are her mother, your job is to stand up for HER not for the school. What must this be doing to her self esteem, having the person who is supposed to protect her instead side with the people bullying her like this? Your priorities are all wrong and I feel very angry about it and worried for your daughter that you would allow your judgement to be skewed so badly.

Glad to hear that, OP! But why did you seriously think you had to stop these activities as punishment for such trivialities?

sorry but after school detentions for a 9 year old?? what has she done to warrant that? i would tell the school absolutely not and unless she has physically hurt someone or been a bully or something like that i wouldn't remove anything. she's in primary school!!!

i'm sorry having read what she got detentions for i'm surprised you didn't defend your daughter in the meeting. she's a little girl. how could you agree to remove anything for drinking water? at 9 my kids wouldn't have remembered locker keys they barely remembers what day it was

I wouldn’t punish outside of school for any of those things.
kids forget, they need to drink and occasionally they get dressed incorrectly they are at school for guidance and education not stepford training

You should, honestly, keep all the out of the school activities and work with the school as just separately. Your child has serious illness and needs to do something with her life

I can't for the life of me figure out how you can be so blasé. An email? I would have gone in all guns blazing mode and taken her the fuck out of there, they're out of order!

School is overstepping. I wouldn't be enforcing any extra punishment and would push back for the school issuing detention for those minor infractions. Why are you supporting them?!

Just playing devil’s advocate here…

I 100% agree that detentions for these “offences” are absolutely outrageous. As I mentioned earlier, I would not be able to enforce them as a teacher myself and still be able to sleep at night.

But to defend OP for not protesting more: I’ve seen plenty of stories where a child is put in isolation for a tiny uniform infraction (bows on socks, skirt from Asda and not the official supplier, that sort of thing) and the response is usually “you knew the rules when you signed up, you can’t complain now”. If a parent protests in these circumstances they’re invariably accused of being entitled, not teaching their children the importance of rules, and basically causing the collapse of civilisation by asking why their child was sent home from school for wearing socks that were dark grey rather than black.

As ridiculous as the rules OP talks about are, I’m guessing she must have had some idea how strict the school was before joining so I’m not sure she has much of a leg to stand on. The best course of action might be to ask for an extensive list of every possible transgression that could result in a detention so they can avoid it happening again, and tell the school that yes of course they’re stopping her after-school activities while actually doing nothing of the sort. But, OP, I do think you should make it very clear to your DD that you don’t agree with the rules yourself and that she didn’t deserve the detentions (assuming you do think that, of course!).

At my DC's Primary and Secondary they can drink water whenever they like and I think that is pretty universal from what I hear. Schools also have a duty to provide reasonable adjustments for DC with SEND - they don't have to have a formal plan. If the school needs extra funding to meet the DC's needs they can apply for an EHCP (education, health and care plan).

If a teacher told me my dd had been given detention for having a drink of water, they'd hear me on the other side of the school.

I don't understand why some are talking about medical exemptions, "drinking passes" and such, all children are entitled to access to drinking water at all times, regardless of disabilities. This is a human rights issue.

I'd be making complaints to the school and threatening further action unless they change their policy.

I honestly don’t know what fucking world or job these schools think they’re preparing children for.

I have been working for over 20 years and could drink, go to the loo and wear accessories as I saw fit.

I’m guessing she must have had some idea how strict the school was before joining so I’m not sure she has much of a leg to stand on.

I'm pretty sure the OP didn't know she was signing up to a school that including discrimination against disabled pupils and trying to force them to suffer more pain as part of their policies though

No, you’re quite right, but then why isn’t OP angrier? I also agree with posters who are saying that no child, regardless of medical issues, should be given a detention for drinking.

What is the most baffling thing of all about this whole thread is why so many parents are - presumably - agreeing with any of this. It’s unfair on everyone.