To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

She should just print off the whole thread and mail it in! Copies to the governors and academy trust executives too. Make them feel as stupid as they clearly are.

Yes. I think it's beyond borderline abusive. Definite abuse. The poor child must be so confused. I know my DC would be very scared to drink water and constantly anxious if that were done to him. :(

And meanwhile the government sits there scratching its head wondering why attendance rates are at an all time low, especially amongst tweens/teens, and looking for 'solutions' such as attendance hubs and increased fines. Why on earth would any child want to attend a school such as this and why would parents choose it for their children? I get that most parents need to work these days, often just to cover the basics, but I would walk over hot coals to keep my child out of a school like that no matter how convenient the school might be. Free childcare is not a good enough reason imo to put a child through that kind of experience which sounds like a cross between a prison and a boot camp rather than a school. Those poor, poor children having to spend a large part of their childhood in that environment and I wonder how many make it out of there without their mental health being shattered. I actually am still in disbelief that this is a genuine post and astounded (if it is) that a parent would actually blindly go head with what the school is telling them to do. Why are they not protecting and advocating for their child? And I wonder why other parents are not protesting en mass over these Draconian, Victorian rules? Just because something is free doesn't necessarily make it a good thing.
OP you have had your original question answered a thousand times over and I hope that you have the courage to follow through with it.

I agree, 100% she should do this but I do wonder from her post if she is a bit afraid to confront the school over this?

Yes, much better idea! I definitely would do that!

Just to reassure you this damaging behaviour by the school is not the norm at High schools let alone Primary schools.

The school punished her and now they are expecting you to punish her too? Way over the top! Nothing wrong with them asking you to back them up, but it's entirely up to you how you choose to discipline your child out of school.

Unless bullying or violence was involved I wouldn’t punish a child at home for school issues at all. And as so many others have said, especially when the original ‘offences’ are so minor in nature. I would seriously be rethinking in your shoes if this was the right school for my child at all.

OP, the school can't make you do anything. YABU for agreeing to any of their stupid requests. Don't punish her even more for these petty detentions. Please don't stop her doing the concert, that would be an awful thing to do to her.

DD's secondary also dish out detentions every time they forget a book or are 12 seconds late to class, or don't have a calculator or take their tie off or whatever. I don't care about them any more as they are so petty. Detention should be for serious issues.

Your school sound like DD's who care more about image than anything else. They ring within seconds if they turn up without a blazer or hair that doesn't conform to policy, but won't ring you if you want to discuss real education issues with them like SEN etc.

Don't stop the "yoga" as it is beneficial to her health. The tutor can say what they want, all you need to do is to stand firm and advise them that she won't be missing anything.

Tend to agree with this.

Definitely don't stop the yoga thing.

@StoppingTheClassDueToDetention I’m probably going to be in the minority here but I think this is downright ridiculous 🙈 maybe stop her deserts and teddy at night as well 🤷‍♀️ she been “ punished” already,
would you like to get hauled up at work then get home to a bolocking from your DP about the same thing 🤷‍♀️ I work in the third sector and have supported loads of “ harder to reach kids” not saying there shouldn’t be consequences ( school have already provided them) but a bit of “ ok you’ve messed up let’s draw a line under it and move on” can in my opinion work wonders. When it comes to things impacting on her health however the teacher should butt right out, think they are already well overstepping the mark.

I clicked YABU by mistake (fat fingers), but you are sooo NOT being unreasonable. The school’s behaviour is ridiculous. Those detentions are ridiculous. Attempting to control the child’s behaviour outside of the school is ridiculous.

I'm actually a stickler for rules set by schools but them wanting a say in how the school's punishment should also be an outside/home punishment is totally wrong.

I would tell my DC that I'm not against these rules so don't be thinking I'm on her side when she's in the wrong and she can do as she pleases but you feel shes been punished by the school for going against school rules but her outside activities are exactly that and are for you to decide what she does and when.
The reasons that she's had the school detentions are quite minor, delt with by the school, fine but certainly wouldn't make me feel my DD needs me to add to that particular punishment outside of school.

After reading what your daughter has "done" to deserve detentions, I find the punishment does not fit the crime at all. Your poor dd missing out on so much for simple mistakes!
Please, if this is real, advocate for your daughter
The detentions should be enough (and even then unless repeated actions, shouldn't have taken place).

Wtaf?
fine if the school want to give detention but that’s punishment enough.
is this a state or private school? As if you are laying die this then I’d honestly stop, pronto! I pay good money for my children to go to school, and punishments and interferences on this level would make me a very unhappy customer!

sorry but a) ridiculous rules broken b) all minor c) complete over reaction in what they are expecting from you to the point of causing her pain - they might as well bring back the cane

I would fuck it all off and treat the extra detention as enough. No wonder our kids have mental health issues with this sort of regime in schools

Even the bloody detentions are overblown for these minor mistakes, and these are just mistakes! They're not bullying, or not doing homework, or giving the teacher attitude. I wouldn't be removing any of her privileges, the punishment already does not fit the "crime" (which I can't even bloody see) any of these things could have been resolved with a stern word of correction from the teacher.

Christ my son starts school in September, I hope I don't have to deal with this shit. I would be pissed off for being called in to punish my child further for drinking water when thirsty or putting a pin on incorrectly...

The school seems to have a totally inhumane ethos. They should be developing a love of learning and sense of community. OP as many others have said, you need to step up. No child at the school should be punished for forgetting something once. No child should be punished for drinking water, this is such an unhealthy attitude to their bodies. No child should be punished for such a minor uniform violation.
The fact of your child’s disability is an aggravating factor.
But the school’s priorities are so far from what they should be. You have the power to shift that attitude by using your voice as a parent.

In this case, personally I would ignore the school if it’s for medical reasons that would end it for me, your daughter did something to get detention, but that doesn’t mean she should be an actual pain because of it, that’s just ridiculous.

Depending on what she did, maybe a chat about that would be more appropriate.

Is your child in school or the marines?

Everything about this sounds insane.

I'm always suspicious of school settings that treat kids with fewer rights than we enjoy as adults at work/in relationships.

What has she actually done to deserve this level of punishment? The school sounds really over the top to be honest. The detention is supposed to be the punishment, you shouldn't have to add additional punishments at home.

Given those reasons I’d be allowing her to continue as normal at home.

wtf- drinking water in the corridor? FWIW, I have a chronic illness and painkillers make me thirsty so I’d be using that as an excuse 🤷‍♀️

Sorry but this is absolutely ridiculous. I can't believe you are going along with this.

For these apparent “crimes”
I’d def NOT be punishing my dc by withholding phone (other than usual boundaries) or extra curriculars

all totally ridiculous

I agree . The detention is enough . No outside activity should be curtailed . If there was bullying or physical assault then that could be different and advice could be useful . But for minor misdemeanour . No way .