To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Jeeeez, what have I just read??
I think she needs all of the out of school activities, chill time, treats and therapy she can get to survive a school like that!

As a Chair of Governors with over 30 yrs experience, I immediately recognise this as a zero tolerance academy school. And, this is one of the reasons why schools that I am associated with, will not convert. Frankly, school and home are separate... if school is to prepare you for work, tell me how any of these alleged "misdemeanours" would be punished in the workplace, they simply wouldn't.

The school is in loco parentis when your child is on site, but at home they are not in loco de schola. You, decide what disciplinary action happens at home to your child... have you ever asked the school to mete out a punishment, what do you think they would say? Frankly, I think you need to be looking at alternative provision so your DD can enjoy her childhood and schooling.

It's frankly bizarre of the school to think they can police her outside of school to this degree.
Of course don't stop the yoga, but fair enough the others.

Personally, I'd be digging more into why on earth a Year 5 is on her THIRD detention of the half term, than concerning myself over her yoga schedule.

The punishment is detention she shouldn't have another two punishments on top of that. That's ridiculous

The school is bulling and harassing the kids with their rules. I bet they would use a cane on them if they were still allowed to. Why do we allow these psychopath controlling freaks to dictate our lives?!

I wouldn't be cancelling any of her activities for that. None of those misdemeanours are serious. For forgetting a locker key, drinking out of a bottle in the corridor and wearing a pin on a lapel instead of a tie, the detentions should be sufficient. In my opinion the detentions are excessive for those things in the first place.
The school should not be saying that extracurricular activities should be stopped and phone taken away for these things.
If she gets a detention on a day she has an activity then the consequence is that she misses that activity that day but that is enough.

Completely ridiculous.

You've got a seriously dysfunctional school there. Those combined 'offences' do not justify any outside school sanctions what so ever and barely justify inside school sanctions.

I would be removing my daughter from this awful, bonkers school.

Ask the head teacher if it's April fools already and that you didn't like the joke. Then get your child out of that school

This is an awful, awful school. What are they trying to produce? Robots? I wouldn't have cancelled any activities or taken away her phone as she is already being punished heavily for the most ridiculously minor things. You don't punish kids 3 different ways for this sort of crap. Awful, awful school.

I wouldn't remove anything from her, a detention sounds like plenty of punishment for what are minor infractions at best.

The school sounds like a prison camp. I’m all for teaching increased independence but her detentions have been given for such minor stuff at 9 it seems crazy. I’d certainly not be stopping her activities outside of school for something so minor.

This school sounds awful. No way would I be punishing my child for any of these ridiculous detentions. She's 9 FFS

You are absolutely right not to take away the Yoga if you feel that is best for your DD. But she could do it at home I suppose. But it's entirely up to you.

I can't believe you're stopping any of her activities! You realise the school has no right to dictate what she does when she's with you, right?

I'm an ex chair of governors and I completely agree.

I wouldn't take away any activities. Why are you going along with this? What do they do if a child actually does something significantly bad??

I used to be a year 5 teacher in a middle school.

This is absolutely an issue with the school. It doesn't have to be like this. We would never have given our year 8s a detention for forgetting a locker key as a one off or having a quick drink. It's utterly ridiculous.

You'll be doing more damage if you keep your child there - even if it's great academically.

Another thought occurs to me.

My daughter started guides where the leaders were very worried about COVID.
Because of this they had a lot of extra rules they wouldn't have had. They had to bring their own chairs so that they didn't catch germs or make the hall chairs a bit germy, blankets as all the windows were open etc.
They had lots of rules about hand sanitizer, how close they could get to their peers. etc...

I thought she was taking it all in her stride but as a perfectionistic child I didn't realise she was getting ever more anxious about forgetting one of the many things she was supposed to bring, including the extra covid rule things. Eventually she dropped out.

With hindsight I wish I'd realised and helped with getting together and remembering all the equipment (I just used to WhatsApp her the lengthy email we used to get each week) because then she might have stuck with it. As it was all the worry over forgetting something got in the way of her enjoyment to the extent she didn't want to go any more.

People are mentioning ADHD but I'm not sure forgetting a key once hits the bar for considering ADHD. A school catering for 9 year olds ought to anticipate that humans make mistakes and have skeleton keys for lockers. The amount of times I've been in gymns and spas where a customer has lost a key or forgotten a pin number and the attendant just opens it for them. Why should it be no big deal for an adult but a massive source of drama for a child?!

A child being made anxious by draconian rules will be made more anxious and more likely to make simple errors, not less.

That school sounds like a joyless place to be for the students. Depriving children from drinking water between lessons when classrooms can be stuffy is just plain cruel - it’s a basic human right!

How demoralising for your daughter. I thought you were going to say she'd been massively disruptive or bullying not just tiny transgressions to a Draconian regime. I wouldn't cancel any activities or remove privileges. To do so for such tiny errors is borderline abusive to be honest.

She got her punishment in school.

Why are you continuing to punish her out of school? Isn't that overkill??

Leave her to do whatever her activities are outside of school. What she does outside of school is none of the business of the teacher and shouldn't be used as a stick to beat her. Jesus, why would you do that????
As for not allowing her to sing or take part in a concert when she has put so much effort in, is also unnecessary punishment. Let her take part in the bloody concert. She's working towards being part of it and it's a group activity and she would be letting down more than just herself if you withdraw her for that.

What did she do that was so terrible that it warranted 2 lunchtime detentions and an afternoon detention and a chat with you?

This sbsolutely. Does she have to stay at that school?

I’ve had similar with my ds and a particularly dim year head.

i refused after school detentions because ds shirt wasn’t tucked in. The year head blew everything up into a huge deal and I complained to the Head.

do not let this school do this to your dd. Sounds like she has enough going on in her life that is challenging and they’re being ridiculous.

this IS a fight worth having on her behalf

@StoppingTheClassDueToDetention - you wrote :
"1 detention was for forgetting her locker key so she couldn't get any of her stuff (they didn't give her a chance to call me to bring it in as a one off I'd do this as I wfh)
1 detention was for being caught drinking out her bottle in the corridor between lessons (drinks only allowed at break and lunchtime)
1 detention for not wearing her houses pin on her tie (it was on her blazer lapel)"

My advice would be to find an alternative location for your DD to learn. None of those would actually stop someone from learning and they are nonsense reasons, picked out by some authoritarian or other just to keep the children under their thumb and not allow the students to express themselves within reasonable uniform rules and regulations.

Why are you allowing your child be exposed to such nonsense rules? I'm gobsmacked and even more so that you would actually be giving strong consideration to punishing her outside of school too for these transgressions.