To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

@AtomHeartMotherOfGod Saying this will probably bring me bad karma, as I am a teacher, but I don't have any qualms about ignoring things that are clearly insane, as their policies are.

Totally agree. As a teacher I’d have a really hard time enforcing policies like this with a clear conscience.

And I can’t help wondering - how do they have time for any actual teaching if they’re constantly scrutinising the placement of pins and policing kids drinking in corridors?

This, wtaf are they doing trying to dictate their lives out of school?

Your 9 year old has a mobile phone? Is this normal these days?

This school sounds horrendous. No way would I be supporting this. These crimes sound so inconsequential; and re hydration and your daughter’s health shouldn’t you be advocating for her more? I’m worried the school is suggesting things which would detrimentally impact her.

Just read your op but the school can sod right off with telling you you have to stop outside school activities!! What a cheek!!

Absolutely, I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous. I would be very happy to tell the school to mind their own bloody business.

Exactly!

They can piss off, nothing to do with them what happens outside of school hours

Dear God, they’re fucking nuts. Those poor children! She deserves as many out of school activities as she can get if that’s how she’s treated in school.

I would make an appointment with the head to show her all these responses. And I wouldn’t allow any out of school detentions either.

I personally think school disciplines in school. I don’t expect school to take away privileges when my child doesn’t tidy their room. It’s very odd idea. So I wouldn’t take away any activities. The punishment is the detention. I absolutely wouldn’t be taking loads of other things away. Seems very extreme, let alone the yoga.

I am praying that this isn't real. What an absolute prison sentence for this poor child to live under this surveillance and anxiety every day. For Christs sake. The entitlement and audacity for a teacher to demand that you punish your child OUTSIDE of school hours and you went along with this? Give yourself a reality check. This is YOUR baby. Why are you letting a school run her life like this? She gets one childhood. ONE. Wake up. This is incredibly harsh treatment of a child. Get a backbone and refuse to punish your own child for daring to drink water outside of an allocated time. FFS. What kind of message are you giving her when you go along with this? You're teaching her to ignore her needs, not listen to her body and silence her signals. This is incredibly dangerous to instill in a child. If she's thirsty and needs a sip of water, she needs a sip of water - end of discussion. Punishing her for that teaches her to ignore her body signals and her needs. That's a recipe for disaster.

You need to lay down a boundary right now that school ends when school ends and home time is safe and secure. Punishments from school can't bleed into home life. There MUST be a safe haven for this little girl. Especially when those punishments were ridiculous and OTT to begin with. You're teaching her that the school and the teachers needs come before your maternal instincts, your home life and your mother daughter bond. You need to fix this immediately.

Those reasons for detentions are so over the top I personally wouldn’t be adding to the punishment at all . I’ve always taken the approach that school issues and punishments stay at school . Never had anything major to worry about though - mines the kid that can’t seem to not chat ! If I felt they’d done something unkind or dangerous that might be different

@StoppingTheClassDueToDetention please can I urge you to look up Dr Naomi Fisher (she’s on Twitter) about the psychological damage of “high control” policies. I would remove my child.

Jesus, this is awful. We have always had the church/state rule. If my kids play up in school they get punctuated in school. It has to be very very serious for me to continue at home and remove normal activities.

I mean, after school clubs and sports are kind of important, not only for building skills but if you commit to be part of a team you don't get to play up in school and then punish your team by not attending?

This level of punishment is insane

This is institutional bullying and your daughter will suffer into adulthood if you allow this to continue. You should not be taking away activities from her. You should be removing her from this school.

I can't believe this level of punishment for taking a sip of water, wearing a pin incorrectly, or forgetting a key....
Not sure where you live @StoppingTheClassDueToDetention or what options there are, but I would remove my children from this school. In fact, wouldn't have put them in there... but that's a moot point now.

Unless the issue leading to the detention was significant then I would not let the punishment crossover into your child's out of school life.
Given the importance of the "yoga" I certainly wouldn't not attend & I'd rethink not allowing the other activities

School doesn't get to dictate what you & your family do in the time your children are not in school.
Obviously if it was a major issue that spilt it into non school time I would sanction eg bullying, cyber bullying.

I wouldn’t punish her home as well. Would check with her to see that she understands the list of (petty) rules so she doesn’t accidentally fall foul of them.
I would punish my (older son) at home in addition to a detention if he was responsible for serious poor behaviour but he recently had a detention and didn’t understand why (sounded to me as though he misunderstood an instruction; he has known concentration/zoning out difficulties so quite likely) and he didn’t want me to intervene. Definitely not going to reinforce punishment at home for an unknown behaviour or a minor misdemeanour against strict rules that has already been dealt with in school.

What on earth are you thinking entertaining any of this? I thought you were going to say she had been caught bullying or something. Why did you spend your precious time going in to school to discuss this? It’s not teaching children anything which will be useful to them unless you aspire for her to be treated as a slave as an adult!

Sounds extreme but I understanding making best of a poor choice school wise - as that where I am with out youngest child.

I would avoid getting in a discussion about of out of school activities - just nod along and give impression you are thinking about it or complying.

As soon as you attempt to justify or explain why you aren't doing what they want just means they can argue with you - so just nod along and let her do what you think is best.

I might take phone but as I often have to pay upfront for activities many times teaching skill like swimming so like fuck would I stop those and pay of money for nothing.

Only once had a TA suggest I do that for one child - including not taking them to the park to calm down after upsetting school day- they were essentially letting them get bulled by a child allowed more leeway due to personal circumstances and then blaming my child when it got to much - it was catalyse for me to give up on classroom adults and go higher - and at least ensure next year he was no where near this child in two form school. Perhaps this is point to make sure she can hydrate and her condition is taken seriously by school - otherwise ignore school and follow you instincts.

What!!!!!! I wouldn't take any of her activities away!! She's not even been naughty! Poor girl.

I wouldn't be stopping any of her after school classes.

The detention is punishment enough in these circumstances. Obviously if she'd done something more serious missing a club might be appropriate but in this case I don't think it is.

Personally I think the school are being way to heavy handed with the detentions. Out of interest what is the punishment when a child actually does something serious?

Good grief Op I thought you were going to say she was constantly disruptive or bullying another student perhaps. This sounds like an awful environment. I wouldn't give any punishments at home for this. (If it had been my first two suggestions I would do). I hate it when parents automatically question punishments from the school and don't support the teachers, but this is madness. Presumably they would say their rules are clear and you know that when you sign up.

Are you for real? What kind of authoritarian borstal is this? This kind of punitive rubbish could have serious long term psychological impacts on how the children behave later in life.

I would be looking for a new school not looking to punish her out of school too! Those reasons for detention are utterly ridiculous, especially at her age. Wonder how the teacher in question would manage at a school where there are pupils with real behavioural issues!!

This school sounds like the most stifling, anxiety provoking, hellhole. If I were you I'd tell them to get stuffed.

The OP dropped out page 6. I’m just aghast anyone would even consider it. Poor kid.