To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

I wouldn't stop any of her out of school activities. She's been punished for something she did at school by the school, there is absolutely no need to punish her at home too.

The only time I would punish at home too if what she did was so awful that she deserved full scale punishment (physical violence, bullying of another child, criminal damage etc). Otherwise absolutely not and the school are ridiculous for even suggesting it.

First post nailed it- wtf is going on? Do they know they are a school for little children not a prison camp? I wouldn’t have anything to do with any of it.

Not allowing a child to receive the physical therapy she needs would be abuse.

This school has a policy of bullying children and attempting to bully their parents and make them complicit.
Sounds dramatic but that's what's going on here.
Utterly dreadful. I'd be moving heaven and earth to get my child out of there before her mental health is shot, and I'd be expecting her father to be a help, not a hindrance.

And in other news, the country is throwing its collective hands up, wondering why on earth parents and kids are failing to engage with schools.

OP, I would be going to the head to ask why you were called in over such trivial misdemeanours, and more importantly why the school are failing to back up your DD's medical professionals and make adequate adjustments. If hydration is essential to your DD's condition, to stop her drinking when needed is direct discrimination (not to mention ridiculous for all children, especially when it is between lessons), let alone the demand that she stops what amounts to physical therapy. The other rules are also clearly batshit, but they've royally fucked up their legal obligations here and need to be told for the good of all students.

No way would I cause a child physical pain for anything short of causing physical harm deliberately to someone else - and probably not then. It's like beating your child for misbehaving and that's illegal! For the sort of minor issue you have listed I wouldnt stop any activities, detention is sufficient punishment for forgetting a key and a ticking off for the wrong placement of a tie pin. Children should not be denied access to water unless there is a very good reason, like constantly disrupting lessons by needing to use the toilet.

Bloody hell. I can't believe what I've just read.

I wouldn't be taking anything away. What happens in school is between her and the school. Her out of school activities bring her a different perspective on life and more roundedness. Plus as you've said one of them is completely medically necessary.

The more I've thought about this heart breaking situation I think you need to raise a safeguarding concern.

Of course you don't stop anything outside school. It's far too great a punishment.

She's 9 years old. This all seems hugely punitive and over the top. The detention is the punishment. Stopping things outside of school shouldn't be something you feel compelled to do.
Is there anything associated with her medical needs that means she is more forgetful or needs to drink more frequently? If so, I would be pushing for reasonable adjustments to be made for her. Or changing school, as this seems way too controlling.

I wouldnt agree to any of that, shes 9! I cant believe theres schools out there giving 9 year olds detention and asking for activities to be cancelled. Shocking

I wouldn’t stop anything or take anything away for that level of nonsense! The schools gone power crazy with a 9yo. I mean a detention for having a drink when she is thirsty - that’s just insane!!!

I’m sorry, this school sounds absolutely awful. In no universe does punishment of this kind outside of school and not related to the specific incident have any effect whatsoever. You’ll likely find it has a detrimental effect.

I would refuse to implement any punishment at all outside of school, unless it was specifically related and appropriate.

The transgressions are laughable and this is all likely doing your daughter some harm.

These are crazy punishments. Does this school
even like children?!?
I think I’d reconsider where she is going to school. Is it a private school?

Speaking as a Primary School Teacher, 100% this! ⬆️

I'd be tempted to tell the school my child's activities were raising money for cancer and helping out at the local homeless shelter, and ask if they really wanted me to stop that.

As a woman who has grown up with perfectionistic tendancies who has spent a lifetime trying to let them go and have a more relaxed attitude to life all I can see with the school policies is harm.

My biggest challenge with my children who are probably naturally wired similarly to me has been getting them to accept that they'll make mistakes that they'll learn from and that it's not the mistakes that matter so much but what they do next.
Adults get to make mistakes all the time. They're a necessary part of life. Growing up in an environment where any slight infringement will be stamped on and dealt with in such a heavy handed way is not allowing your daughter space to breathe or grow into an adult who can roll with the inevitable ups and downs of being an adult. Well done on encouraging the out of school activities as these are hopefully showing her that life isn't really like school.

Another thought is that when someone is in a relationship with a controlling, abusive partner, that partner will often try to isolate them socially. That means they have less chance to speak about what is happening but also less chance of having sensible conversations that help them see that their partner's coercive behaviours is not normal. The school trying to isolate your child from outside social opportunities feels very reminiscent.

Wow, that school sounds ridiculous.

my personal attitude towards discipline etc is that she was dealt with at school by form of detention. That matter is dealt with. Unless it’s something serious like bullying - which from your post it isn’t, I’d take away out of school activities but not for this. They gave the detention, it’s been dealt with by that form of punishment.

Wow. I can't believe you are this stressed about it; yes it's good when parents and school work together on behaviour, but seriously - how are they going to enforce anything they 'insist' you do? Of course let her do the activity.

You need to develop the skill of sincerely lying to the school and saying what they want to hear, then in private being completely confident to channel Cartman from South Park: 'Whatever - I do what I want!!'

Saying this will probably bring me bad karma, as I am a teacher, but I don't have any qualms about ignoring things that are clearly insane, as their policies are. I am strict with my children about respecting nature and the environment (including fad buying), being organised with their schoolwork and activities, and basic courtesy. Their school teachers all say how polite and lovely they are, so I know I'm not going too wrong with my expectations.

The position of a pin - what?! How is that going to affect what a child learns? They seem to be countering a general increase in behaviour issues with a totalitarian regime based on fear and oppression. I don't know how the children could ever feel calm enough to learn and the poor teachers! Your one is probably pleading with you because if you don't do this, they'll be disciplined or sacked. I expect they are channelling Michaela... or they are Michaela.

I put yanbu, but you are being unreasonable to take away any activity.
She's 9. If she's done something as horrific as to warrent a detention and days of punishment after then you need to be looking at the root cause, is she severely unhappy and unsettled at school, does she need therapy to work through a traumatic life event at home, does she have additional needs which aren't being met?

And if she's just misbehaving a bit then keep it proportionate. Unhappy children breeds worse behaviour. Severe punishments are generally counterproductive.

same, it is bizarre of them to push for this and equally bizarre (for 1 detention) for you to acquiesce

So they’re expecting you to punish your dd twice (or more) for the same crime?
if mine were punished at school, they were not punished at home unless it was something particularly dreadful.
id be telling school to butt out!

Nothing about this school is normal. Bloody hell.

But even though high schools don't have wraparound as such they can usually arrive at school early. At my DD's high school they can arrive from 8am and get breakfast/go to library/learning support centre/form room or take part in morning clubs.

Surely it would be a complete racquet if these middle schools have no wraparound like Primary but also none like Secondary?

Having read what the detentions are for, I would be removing her from the school. Sounds like the school in matilda 🤯

Your poor daughter 😔
I really hope you allow her to continue all her classes, especially as those are very small incidents & I would argue don't warrant a detention at all.
No way would I allow a school to dictate my parenting in that way.