To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Your poor daughter! I'd be looking to change schools if I could. That sounds ridiculously militant. I wouldn't be following up with any punishments outside of school and I wouldn't be allowing her to attend the detention after school either. She's 9?! And those reasons are ridiculous. Trust your mum gut and don't be guilted/shamed/intimidated into going along with the school xx

It’s the idea that visible signs of disorder (like broken windows) encourage further transgressions because it leads a community to think that crimes go unpunished. Crack down on the broken windows, therefore, and you won’t get so much serious crime.

It’s often quoted as justification for strictness about uniform (if you don’t let them get away with the wrong colour socks then you won’t have any problems with vaping) but, as the poster you quote says, it’s been pretty much debunked by research.

I wouldn’t let a teacher decide anything that I did with my child. I’d stop her access to devices, but not the things she has made commitments to.

I'd be looking to move schools if a school was pressuring me to make my daughter miss things that kept a serious medical condition manageable.

FFS

She's been punished via the detention. Take her electronics away if you want to continue to the punishment at home and talk to her about your behaviour/choices expectations, but let her do her activities.

Wow it's just so strick and unnecessary.
No I wouldn't be stopping her after school activities, the school have no right asking you too. You are the parent not them.

1 detention was for forgetting her locker key so she couldn't get any of her stuff (they didn't give her a chance to call me to bring it in as a one off I'd do this as I wfh)
1 detention was for being caught drinking out her bottle in the corridor between lessons (drinks only allowed at break and lunchtime)
1 detention for not wearing her houses pin on her tie (it was on her blazer lapel)

I wouldn't be removing ANYTHING from her for these 'transgressions' at school.
She's already faced consequences at school for them. Tell the tutor to stay in her lane. Politely. And tell the school you won't be engaging in any further discussions about your daughter's activities.

Fuck me.

This is all ridiculous. My dd is in year 5. They are still little children.

Having a drink outside of an allocated time - the horror!! She will definitely end up a failure in life for not following that very important rule. As for the pin, Jesus Christ. I’d be rethinking the school to be honest with you.

I would not be further punishing my child for any of those
things.

I went to middle school.& it was not run like a secondary. I have children at secondary and even they wouldn’t be punished like this for such trivial matters.

The school are being ridiculous. Your child is 9. I’d be furious rather than compliant with their wishes.

I wouldn't be taking away any of her clubs for these misdemeanours. Losing time at school (and maybe phone for an evening at home to make it clear you support school) is perfectly ample punishment for these things. And I say that as a teacher in a pretty strict school. This expectation is overkill and unfair.

I agree. Tbh, OP, I can’t believe you’re even considering taking away an activity that alleviates your child‘s physical pain just because school said so.
Sometimes it’s necessary to stand up to authority.

I also cannot imagine saying okay to an after school detention for my 9/10 year old child.

I would be arriving to collect them at 3:15.

This school sounds insane.

This is absolutely vile. So because of a pin badge in the wrong place she should get an after school detention and lose all activities, phone and socialising? Madness.

Do not take away anything else and I would be telling the school I don’t want to be called in over a badge. I also wouldn’t be ok with a detention for that.

Why don’t you pick apart the teachers outfits? I’m sure you can find a loose thread.

I genuinely think removing any activity outside of school at all is disproportionate to these organisational failures. If she'd hurt someone then yes, absolutely, but none of these are things I would be wanting to sanction at home for.

The activity is clearly of a therapeutic nature. I wouldn't class it as a "treat" . I imagine being in pain is impacting on her processing, can they not give the child a break on forgetting an item. Surely that's a reasonable accommodation.

@StoppingTheClassDueToDetention and you did say to the teacher that taking your dd out of clubs, including one that benefitted her health due to a medical condition, AND removing her phone was wholly disproportionate to the misdemeanours which had already disproportionately been addressed by detentions. Hopefully you also reminded that the school has no jurisdiction over your child outside school hours.

Your poor dd. I hope you have given her a big hug and a couple of treats.

The school is bananas. Mine went to strict schools with uniform and very high expectations. They would not have reacted like your dd's school. Is she genuinely happy at the school? Also do you need to have a check and double check routine at home to make sure she has all her bits and pieces?

I wouldn't be agreeing to any of it. Nor the detentions or parents meeting. Training people to be robots. Silly rules. I thought she had been naughty.

Our school had similar rules in secondary school. I stuck to them rigidly. God was I shocked when I left school to work and realised the workplace doesn't work like that and I could go to the toilet when needed. If I chose to wear a suit I could take the jacket off whenever I liked and drink whatever I wanted whenever and not just water on a break.

Plus more. I probably looked like an idiot to most people. Took years for me to break the rigidness.

Don't take anything away and don't pander to the silly detentions or meetings.

I wouldn't much like my kid getting a detention at school for having a drink, either. I'm a lawyer and we're allowed to drink water in court. There's no mainstream adult setting where you're not allowed to have water if you're thirsty.

No, I wouldn't be stopping the activity. I wouldn't be threatening the cancellation of choir performances either for repeated offences of checks notes drinking.

Backing the school for disruptive behaviour in class, not completing homework or schoolwork is one thing. For breaking minor overly strict rules at the age of 9, nope. She'd do the school detentions fair enough. But not curtailing out of school activities. Let alone ones that prevent her from being in pain.

What other schools do you have in your area?

Wtf? I wouldn’t be sending her back to that school. I have never “punished” my children. They know there are consequences to all their actions good or bad. Neither have ever had a detention at school. Absolutely no need to dish out a string of punishments that have no relation to the perceived misdemeanour.

I wouldn't stop any of the activities and would come up with something else.

It's completely inappropriate for school to be this involved in your family life.

Say no.

I wouldn't carry school punishments to home , she would be at all those activities. The school seems very strict .

Also, I hate how teachers support these silly rules and never say something to the head. It's always a head who seems to be on a power trip too.

Why can't teachers be like, actually these rules are more disruptive to the class because instead of helping little jenny with her times tables I'm too busy policing uniform pins and monitoring how much kids dare to drink.

Bloody hell, I thought the detentions would be because she's being a little shit at school but it's quite the opposite! Poor kid.

I also can't believe that you were prepared to remove two of her activities and also considering the choir thing. Are you crazy?! FFS, I'd have been telling the school they can shove their detentions up their arse!

Tough shit if this school is convenient for you and her dad. It's draconian!

1 detention was for forgetting her locker key so she couldn't get any of her stuff (they didn't give her a chance to call me to bring it in as a one off I'd do this as I wfh)
1 detention was for being caught drinking out her bottle in the corridor between lessons (drinks only allowed at break and lunchtime)
1 detention for not wearing her houses pin on her tie (it was on her blazer lap*

WTF

I'd be moving schools. That's dreadful.

None of these warrant loosing her extra curricular activities

I hope this isn’t real.