To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

I can't decide what's worse - these draconian rules, or the fact that you are agreeing to punish your daughter even further! How do you think this makes your daughter feel? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for discipline and setting boundaries but this is way too much. I think you need to grow a pair and tell school that any punishment will not be happening. Set an example for your daughter.

This is utter lunacy. She's not even being naughty! And even if she was, the school can punish kids while they're in their care, but it's seriously over stepping to expect you to "back them up". And the idea of stopping what's essentially a therapy? 😱

Is it run by a fucking demon headmaster?!

I'm shocked that your daughter has been given detention for those reasons and even more shocked that the school suggest you remove her activities!

None of those reasons warrant any punishment! She's in yr 5. Forgetting a locker key, a pin and drinking water in a corridor are normal everyday occurances that even adults do every day, and are not punished! Why does the school or you think that this is acceptable?!?

It's even more damaging to stop her activities/hobbies! All that's going to do is stress her out about school and make her hate it!

I would seriously be considering changing school if that's their attitude- no interest in child's development, just what makes the school look good.

Imagine, In real adult life if I forgot, say, my work pass which I need to use the printer and get around wards/use blood gas machines, I would not be punished! What would happen- nothing. It would be a slightly irritating day having to borrow from other people.

My manager wouldn't stop me having a break or stay at work later, nor would they insist that I give up my hobbies to learn from my mistake.

I’m imagining Severus Snape (books, not the film version).
Or à la Miss Trunchbull.

This is not a school in the UK. Can't be.

That's way over the top and cruel for a 9 year old.

Guessing it's a fee paying school? Not rtft.

I'd be looking at a new school, this isn't the right environment for your DD.

This school is fucking ridiculous! Seriously what kind of weird mad power trip are they on?

Had a bit of a rant in my previous post.

To the point:

In comparison, what would happen if you did those same things as an adult in your job?

Nothing! Bar having a slightly irritating day if you forgot your locker key.

Now- why is it acceptable to give a child in yr 5 multiple detentions and persuade the parents to take away her hobbies?

Christ, I only read as far as OP's second post. It's not a school, it's some kind of fascist army and no fucking way would I be in support of punishing the nonsense they are giving detentions for, let alone even consider taking away something that's medically necessary. How do the people running this child gulag even sleep at night?

WTF have I just read?! Is she at Michaela by any chance? Or a catholic school? I know they can be strict but that is beyond.

I'm a teacher and not in million years would this punishment ever happen in any school I've ever taught at. Don't even dream of stopping yoga, to suggest leaving her in pain because she forgot to put her tie pin on in the right place is plain cruel.

You could try telling the school your DD has failed to make her bed three times since Christmas so as per your policy she must be removed from maths lessons this week to reinforce your home punishment. Makes about as much sense.

So afaik it's the location and wrap around care that keeps you there.

Honestly, even if I was short of money (don't know if that's the case) I would rather eat beans on toast (myself) every single fucking day and use the rest to pay a childminder for pick up at another school miles away, rather than keeping my daughter in that hell, forget about backing them up!

That is appalling treatment of primary aged children. It would be totally over the top for a high school, but for a 9YO?

The school have absolutely no right to try to remove children's out of school activities, particularly for such minor 'offences'. Is it an academy? The school needs to be infected ASAP.

This is exactly what I was thinking. The school are ridiculous and quite frankly cruel but what upsets me more is the OP is bending over backwards to go along with it all, the please the school.
Fight for your daughter, OP! You're her advocate. I wouldn't even let my daughter attend a school like this, let alone support them so wholeheartedly in their damaging policies.

Fucking bonkers!!

Don't take anything away, tell the school to do one. What petty, stupid rules.

And has the school considered adhd? I have adhd and these are well known traits for adhd in school - impulse control problems, distraction, boredom etc.

I would be withdrawing my child from this school tbh, not trying to pander to their insane punitive measures. I have never come across anything so draconian, the poor child - none of this is any way bad behaviour. The detentions are bad enough, please do not seriously contemplate punishing her further.

The school is bonkers. Ignore any requests from them. It sounds like an open prison.

This. No way would I be putting my child through this nonsense.
I definitely wouldn’t be taking away any activities or the phone or anything for this type of „offenses“.

The school don’t see anything wrong…but we have said time and time again that we think it might be adhd or autism spectrum. We’ve tried the doctors but they don’t think it’s anything either. We’re trying to just manage it at home.

Having read what she has done "wrong" I wouldn't be stopping anything at home.
The school punishments are over the top already!

Ignore and don't stop any activity.

School manages her behaviour in school and you do at home. Such pathetic excuses for detentions are not worth missing 5 minutes of anything.

Absolutely ridiculous! I thought from the severity of the punishment that it would have been bad behaviour.

Putting a child aged 9 - 13 under that kind of petty control will do one of 2 things. Turn them into a nervous, blindly obedient, drone or turn them into a rebellious fireball who will be extremely difficult to parent through their teenage years. My children would have been out of there pronto.

The school punishments for such minor infractions are bad enough but this:

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

I mean fucking hell, what are you thinking 😮? Do you actually want to raise a child riddled with anxiety and fearful that if they put a toe out of place the world will come down on them like a tonne of bricks? You would actually remove her from something she’s put so much effort into if she “carries on”, erm, what exactly? Being a kid rather than an automaton?

Why on earth are you coming up with a bunch of ways to punish her when the school already has? This reads like you’ve put a lot of thought into the most spiteful ways to make your child feel crappy about herself.