To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Crikey. How badly behaved is your 9 year old that you'd support the school stopping her activities out of school. I would not be stopping anything frankly. Perhaps 1 activity on that day but nope. I'm sorry. This is like being back in the olden days. Children NEED a break from strict rules. You need to be looking at the deeper root of why she's misbehaving? As someone who works closely with children, I'm telling you that taking the activities away will only make it worse.

Based on your opening post I'd have agreed to stop the activities but keep the one that it helping her health.

Based on what the detentions were actually for, I'd have not punished her at all. Bloody ridiculous rules for a 9yr old. I'm a strict parent and expect my child to behave at school but forgetting a locker key and badge and drinking water wtaf? Not detentionable IMO.

Why are school trying to control what goes on out of school?

Why is she getting multiple detentions? And why are the detentions not enough of a consequence/punishment?

Having read the reasons for the detentions, I wouldn't be taking away any clubs or her phone nor stopping her from doing any concert. They're not major things. The detentions are sufficient punishments. It sounds like she may need help remembering things/organising herself. Punishments do not help her with this. What does is a strategy for remembering things in future. That is what you and the school should focus on.

I have ADHD so perhaps feel more strongly about this. People are how they are. Some people aren't as organised/are forgetful. Yes we need to resolve that as best we can but punishing someone excessively is just shaming them rather than helping. I wish schools would look more at the source of issues and help kids with them rather than just go to punishment. Rehabilitation works better with offenders than long prison sentences for a reason. That's an extreme example for this situation but the same theory is true. Punishment without help will do little.

I can't believe you're backing the school when they're dishing out detentions for such ridiculous things

To be honest I wouldn’t take away anything from her .ridiculous reasons for detention and the punishment they are expecting does not fit the ‘crime’!

My God, I'd get her out of there and into a normal school straight away, before they fuck up her mental health. We took our DC out of a toxic school, DH is a teacher and knew bad practice when he saw it. Our DC are adults now and still thank us for moving them.

Can you imagine if a workplace treated staff like this?

Look up Dr Naomi Fisher on FB. She talks sense.

She got punished for having a drink of water from her bottle? What the actual fuck am I reading. Frightening that schools like this exist in 2024!

This, completely agree.

I wouldn't be backing the school, I think it's ridiculously

Gosh. Every single one of those reasons sounds crazy to me!

They sound overly unnecessarily strict. It doesnt sound like she has done anything wrong. And I don't think you should be better taking any of her activities away.

Poor kid, she's just 9 and those are stupid reasons for detention.

Jesus, this is way OTT OP, ridiculous punishments for nothing.

Right?!

Schools here encourage children to keep water bottles next to them or under the desk and drink when need to.

Another teacher here. That school sounds awful. I wouldn't be stopping any of her activities. Detentions are more than enough for those trifling infractions. And if I genuinely couldn't find a better school, I would be quite honest with my child about which aspects of the school policies I didn't agree with and wouldn't be cooperating with and why.

I have adhd as well (undiagnosed when I was OP‘s DD‘s age, btw) and I agree.
I was a very good student (good grades, class participation etc.) but I couldn’t have coped with this. And I probably would have been continuously in detention!

(well, maybe I would have been diagnosed earlier. But I somehow doubt it. Probably would have been labelled as lazy and not trying enough. Once again…)

OP’s DD is already getting punished at school with the detention. Isn’t that enough?

It seems as if OP has already told her and the teacher that she will (temporarily) take away 2 activities. If that’s the case I mightdo that for this week / one week but definitely without any additional detentions such as taking away her yoga, their regular after yoga coffee-shop ritual or her phone.

I’ve never heard of any school (or any individual) who recommends getting rid of activities as punishments.

If anything, schools promote these because they can reduce unwanted behaviour and do wonders for their self esteem.

Who is actually saying these things because it definitely wouldn’t be a whole school approach.
If it’s the class teacher then I would definitely speak to the head teacher about this.

Behaviour expectations should absolutely be reinforced at home.
But sports should never be used as part of a punishment.

The reasons behind your daughter’s detentions are utterly laughable. But the fact that you’re going ahead with the school’s suggestions of continuing to punish your daughter at home, for some banal things that happened at school, is actually more of a red flag to me.

Your main concern is safeguarding your daughter. Surely teaching her boundaries is key and you don’t seem to have any yourself! OP, you need to tell the school it’s not happening, especially the ban on yoga!

I'm all for supporting school but no way would I remove anything that was part of managing my child's pain.

In fact, if they carried on trying to push that, I'd be uncancelling the others as well.

I wouldn't stop something being used as physio but I would be considering why she's on her third detention already. Why? If they are for poor behaviour you need to take a different approach (and yes I would be taking away privileges like phones) where as if it's due to kit being forgotten I would consider if there's an underlying problem eg organisation skills or the system at home (my dd has dyspraxia and organisational skills were an issue)

OP grow a backbone! Your child, esp with the medical issue, really needs you to. Esp at secondary school.

I don't condone bad behaviour in school and would always tackle it with the child, but I wouldn't remove her from ANY activities that I had paid for, unless I thought that doing so was a logical consequence of the actual bad behaviour.

I certainly wouldn't have a teacher dictating to me that I should be removing the child from a physical activity and certainly not one with a medical benefit.

They can do their school punishments on their own time e.g. the play parts of break, lunch etc. or by some other (loss of) privilege system. This teacher sounds as though they are on a power trip (too many are). With you!

I’d love to know what the detentions are.

Waterboarding in classroom 4 between 1 and 2pm.

@PumpkinsAndCoconuts I was also diagnosed as an adult. Very bright, professional job now. But forgetful. My mum did everything for us/made sure we remembered things which is probably part of why nothing would have been noticed.

I'm not saying it's ADHD BTW OP I'm just illustrating that punishments for things like this are stupid for lots of reasons.

Actually yes I'll go further - this is where your child gets to see how supportive you are as a parent. How far you'll go to advocate for her. I actually think it's imperative you show her you have her corner on this. Teaching blind adherence to authority is not helpful for kids and their development. Respect, yes, following sensible rules, yes. But not standing up to nonsense? No.

We did in the beginning. But it didn’t seem to bother him if we took things away. With that side of things he’s always been like that - we can punish him, not punish him, ignore the bad, praise the good etc etc and nothing works (I’m talking at home when he’s done something wrong or answered back - since he was about 9).

she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school.

removing her from this - and especially for yoga which she needs to manage pain - is genuinely cruel and draconian in my opinion.

so you’d remove her from the concert if she were to get an other detention for a sip of water? Or for putting her pin on her blazer instead of her tie?

I truly hope you’ll reconsider and won’t be overly influenced by this school’s philosophy.
Her tutor suggesting you take away an activity your DD needs due to pain management is cruel and incredibly inappropriate. Even if the detentions were for considerably more serious infractions!

That’s some extreme reasons for giving detentions so young but your not asking on whether the school are right or wrong in the reasons for detention

Taking away phones and activities outside of school have no correlation to the detentions and the reason for them. The lunchtime detentions have already lost her free time to play. The only reason I would be removing an after school activity outside of school would be that her detention being on the same evening and therefore the natural consequence of leaving school later due to the detention would be not having time for the activity that night

I would also politely be reminding the teacher of her place in being responsible for the child during school and that they do not have a say in what the child does outside of school hours when the reasons for detention of a 9 year old are so petty

Presumably the school are aware of her medical needs? Surely she should have some kind of medical exemption re drinking water if being hydrated helps her condition?

As for the rest of it, absolutely nothing to do with the school how you discipline your kid at home. I’d just smile and nod and do none of it.