To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

She's being punished for being thirsty, and for being forgetful at the age of 9? No. Nonsense. No way is any of that developmentally appropriate. I'd be moving schools quite frankly.

Seems like teachers think it is excessive too op. Does your daughter get anxious being in such a draconian environment?

I was thinking the same!! Like she must be a problem child and have hit a teacher or something 😅

This school sounds so harmful. These punishments are what our kids might get for arson or something not forgetting a key once, drinking some water and pinning a tie in the wrong way?! 😳

This.

If a parent was isolating their child and stopping them from seeing friends for drinking water in a different room of the house to what was allowed or wearing their hat at a "wrong" angle it would be called abusive.

I went to a school like this. I got a detention once for forgetting to bring a tea towel to Home ec. I got another for drinking water out of the junior school water taps (the closest to my classroom) when I was in senior school on a 42 degree summer day.

It taught me that some rules are about crowd control and those who are on a power trip like that are to be ignored with contempt.

Quite frankly I think I'd be going apeshit at the school and setting your boundaries in place.

This has to be a joke? You cannot punish a child this severely for forgetting a key, having a drink and forgetting a badge. I would be giving the school an absolute rocket!

Poor kid!

Sorry, but I would not be issuing any additional punishments outside school for these rule issues. In the same way that I wouldn’t expect school to involve itself in punishing my child for misdemeanours at home.

This were infractions of minor (petty) rules for each of which she has had a detention from school in line with their policy. End of. If she were bullying/destructive and the 3 detentions were a sign of escalating poor behaviour, then yes I’d explore ways to work with the school to address it. But it’s not. Is it a school or a youth detention centre?

As a parent, ex teacher and foster carer my easy answer is NO. Do not cancel anything.
As a parent I choose any consequences in my home.
Misdemeanours that happen at school are punished at school. If it were serious I, as the parent, may choose to carry out something at home alongside it, but those you've brought up are not serious, they are silly infringements which hopefully she'll learn from.
As an adult if you were told 'you did this wrong at work today, so tonight you can't go to the gym/pub/library...' you'd think yeah right, and I'm not sure why we think it's OK for kids.

Absolutely not. I wouldn't be stopping my daughter going to dance or sport unless I decided that was an appropriate consequence (don't see an occasion it would be to be honest)

I'm a teacher and I wouldn't be co-operating with the detentions - unless they were 5 minutes at Break or lunchtime. What are they? They are ridiculous for tiny issues.
I certainly would not be adding consequences at home for such tiny errors. DS1 is the same age and tries very hard but he would make occasional mistakes like this and I wouldn't be happy if he was receiving 'pile-on' punishments.

Don’t get why this is even being asked. No, you should not keep your child from their therapeutic activity which helps them manage their chronic condition.

School are being unreasonable and ridiculous. For those reasons a detention is harsh. I wouldn't stop any activities.

And you are considering removing all in your op?

Mate, I'd move schools.

Quite strict! Thay's insane. Is she in some kind of borstal/ military school for dangerously delinquent kids? I'd be telling the school to jog on.

I think all of this is borderline cruel.
in year 5 kids some kids are developing their executive function skills - frightening the life out of them for such minor things will trigger an anxious child. I have inattentive adhd - kids with inattentive adhd start doing these forgetful things at that age so these kids will be being punished for their exec function disability

the detentions are more than enough. No more punishments needed.

Jesus christ OP! No way would I stop andy of her outside school activities, let alone the "yoga"! They are very strict. The dententionnis the punishment, you don't have to stop other things. I would say she still does everything outside school as normal.

Bloody hell. Let her sing in the choir, do her yoga and chill out! She’s a child ffs.

As a secondary teacher, having read your posts, I would be looking to make a different school work to be honest, even if it was tricky.

She's 9 - forgetting a locker key once, having a drink in the corridor and a badge I'm the wrong place are ridiculous reasons for detentions and parents meeting 😳 I assume her behaviour is otherwise fine and she does her work??

Taking away activities after school, saying she may miss a concert she is excited about etc is overkill! And to be honest, seems unnecessarily cruel for such a young child.

I teach secondary and we absolutely expect parents to support the school, but we also recognise that children are learning and will sometimes forget things. If a child in my form forgets something, during equipment check in the morning, I will lend them a spare item for the day and remind them to bring it. If it happens a few times I make a quick call to parents asking them to remind their child.

We have uniform cards - 2 signatures =detention.

We allow children to drink water through the day - they ask in a lesson but can have a quick drink on the way to their next lesson.

Shock horror- we even allow children to use the toilet during the first 5 minutes of a lesson - they must ask the teacher so we know where they are. We avoid them going in lesson but use judgement if they are desperate.

Behaviour in our school is, on the whole, excellent! We have high expectations and strong routines - we serve a very deprived area so routines are important for our children. We are very caring though!

I've ended up going on a bit but the main point is that while discipline is needed, your daughter's school sounds ridiculous! Poor kids!

Are you serious? The school sound absolutely ridiculous. More like a prison. They're really dictating when kids can have a drink? That's awful.

Both my DC’s went through middle school. I would be changing schools at this point.

This ^

Absolutely. Child having a drink of water as they were dehydrated and getting detention for it? Ridiculous unless it was a vodka redbull in her flask instead.

@StoppingTheClassDueToDetention is your daughter happy and thriving at that school?