To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Omg, I'd never get through school nowadays, I fear for my child.

the detentions seem to be more to an sufficient for this kind of minor infraction. I really don’t think that there needs to be additional “at home” punishment. And DEFINITELY not taking away her “yoga” / something with genuine medical benefits that helps manage har pain.

let her go to yoga and do your regular Café ritual afterwards. You’ve already taken away two other activities, which is more than enough.

This is shocking. They are human beings and allowed to make mistakes. I went to a strict girls school and don’t remember anything like this- albeit there wasn’t the behaviour management issues of some schools.

I'm a teacher, this is all completely ridiculous. It's also one of the reasons I left the state sector because I don't want to give out detentions to nice kids for minor uniform infractions - what a waste of time. Don't stop any of it, and maybe think about moving her to a school where they are less insane.

I work in a very nice, very high achieving school. We only really give detentions for serious things like being caught vaping on school grounds. I'd only expect a parent to remove a child from out of school activities or take their phone etc if they had done something serious which involved the phone - bullying others online for example. I think there would only be a conversation with parents where we suggested things like this if it was a meeting explaining a fixed term exclusion for bullying.

It sounds like a nightmare of a school. I would be removing her (though that’s not to tell you that you should). Those are all such minor infractions that none of them deserves a detention. And they have no right whatsoever to tell you what to do outside school. Do not fall for their bullying. You are the parent and the one who is ultimately responsible for your child.

A 9 year old being given a detention for things that a child is only just learning? Horrendous! Is this some sort of Victorian school and is the teacher called Miss Trunchbull.

This is ridiculous.

She didn't hurt or attack anyone. I wouldn't be taking any activities away from her, OP. Detention is enough and even then, I think its super harsh for the reasons you gave.

Wouldn't stop any of them either. I would also think about making representations about after school detentions at that age for such misdemeanors. It's not like she did the same thing 3 times and none of them serious. I get the 'broken window' philosophy but lots of evidence that it doesn't work.

What everyone else has said. The child is 9! I don’t think detentions are warranted for her rules infractions. I’m not even convinced all are infractions- isn’t anyone allowed to make a mistake anymore? All these detentions will do is breed resentment and alienate children from school.

I wouldn’t be stopping any of my child’s acitivities, given what you’ve said here. She’s been punished more than enough. I especially would not be stopping the yoga. As it helps her medically, I would class it as a therapy and absolutely essential. I’ve not used this phrase before, but I feel like using it now- any teacher suggesting you stop the yoga even for one session- needs to give their head a wobble.

I’m a retired teacher, and was very strict. It makes me want to weep when I hear of children getting detentions for such bloody stupid reasons.

I’d politely tell the school to fuck off.

I feel awful for your poor daughter. The school sounds like a prison. It must be hell for her. I wouldn't put my kids though this. What a shit way for them to live.

Not a dig at you btw, but I wouldn't put my child in such a horrible place. School is meant to be fun!!!!!

That sounds utterly ridiculous and I'd tell the school to do one. Seriously. Don't they have any other problems? It's not like your DD set the school on fire or something.

I used to teach Y5/6 at a middle school and we very rarely gave detentions. (Ofsted Outstanding with generally very good behaviour in the lower school.) If any of my kids needed to miss break or part of lunch, I'd usually call parents to let them know and ask them to make sure they kids got a good run around after school. They usually needed to be out and moving. I certainly wouldn't have asked for additional punishment outside of school. What a twattish way to deal with this.

I now work at an independent school and we don't have detentions at all in the primary section and I only know of them happening once in a blue moon in the secondary department. It would be a massive deal for our kids.

She shouldn't have had a detention for any of those things! If she was caught smoking or punching someone then would she receive the same punishment?

Don't take away any of her activities. I'd also move school too.

I haven’t got past this post.

wtaf. Don’t take anything away from her at home. At all. I come speaking from a mother whose son in secondary school has had multiple detentions (he’s now y11, but he’s been like it since y7) - mainly for talking and being disruptive in class, nothing physical - and only when he’s had detentions in successive weeks have we given a punishment at home. And only then taken the PlayStation away for a couple days. He keeps his phone and laptop.

I cannot understand a school giving any student below year 7 a detention.

In fact, I’d go as far as to say that the school’s behaviour feels bullying.

The school sounds horrible, my girl would be doing all her activities. you volunteered the Easter convert too? Why?

She hadn’t even forgotten the pin. It was in the wrong place.

I'm all for backing a school but this seems really excessive. I certainly wouldn't drop the yoga, that's for pain management and I'm shocked a school would suggest that if they know the context. The detention was the punishment surely? Maybe one at home punishment to reinforce your support of the school but that's it. She's only 9 and these are very minor infractions.

You're not being unreasonable at all. I would consider stopping any activities. The school is overstepping and it's awful

But maybe if you did punish him, he'd remember that and be less disruptive in class? I speak as a parent with a child in a very disruptive year 7 and he finds it stressful and it's a very poor learning journey for other children. I would love it if his secondary school were a lot stricter. But it does seem harsh for a 9 year old for such minor things. Maybe that's how schools achieve excellent behaviour, zero tolerance? Haven't read full thread, would be interested in teachers' perspectives.

What is the broken window philosophy?

Is this a joke thread?

I really hope so.

to paraphrase Mumsnet, you have a teacher ( or rather school) problem, not a daughter problem.

That school has a horrible ethos. Taking away the concert is cruel and wildly disproportionate to the trivialities she has detention for.

Move schools.

What the…! This school sounds awful and abusive. Missing 3 activities and the Easter concert for minor uniform offences when she is in YEAR 5 for gods sake.

I wouldn’t be making her miss yoga OR the Easter concert tbh.

OMG please don't take ANY of her activities away for that!

If she had hit someone / stolen something / vandalized something then fine. But being a bit forgetful isn't worthy of any punishment, nevermind what the school is proposing.

She's 9. A baby! Poor girl. I would be looking at moving her not punishing her. That school sounds absolutely horrific. No wonder we have a mental health crisis in young people.

I’d complain to the governors about disproportionate punishment and also discrimination re the yoga. Your daughter has a health condition and she’s expected to make her condition worse because they don’t want to adapt around it. That’s discrimination.