To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Omg that’s not school it’s prison. Seriously don’t punish your kid for their stupid rules.

This is completely ridiculous. Those are tiny things that don’t even warrant a detention. I thought it would be for some serious bad behaviour! I couldn’t do any of this, OP. The teacher is overstepping the mark - the detention is the punishment and other than having a word with your daughter about it you shouldn’t be expected to do anything else about it when her behaviour hasn’t actually been bad. Don’t stop her from doing the activity that acts as pain relief and let her be in the concert! She is 9 years old and this is overkill.

i agree with others don’t punish twice .

Ha you talked to ex . I couldn’t get worked up about any of it .

socialisation is also really important for children . We became more aware of this in lockdown .

As a parent, I never double punish. I will back the school up if DC has broken a rule and gets detention but home life is home life and there are different rules and consequences.
As a teacher, I am shocked at how the children are being treated. It’s not conducive to a positive learning environment, that’s ruling through fear. I suspect the teachers are also under extreme pressure to issue detentions for minor incidents and I bet they’re experiencing a lot of stress as well as the students. I would hate to teach in a place like that.

I agree. This is awful. Taking a sip of water between lessons?? Understandably, if she was constantly swigging over her maths book, in class. But really?

I'm a teacher and honestly, I'm all about routines, respect and age
-appropriate discipline. I would certainly move schools in this instance. I'd worry kids in this school might end up with anxiety / other mental health disorders from being too anxious to breath in the wrong place for years. Not conducive to a good learning environment. Poor kids.

The reasons for detention are nuts. Is this a school or a prison??

The school is out of order. The punishment is the detention. They have no right to command parents to impose further punishments.

School sound bonkers! They want your daughter to be in pain because of those minor breaches? what is wrong with the sadistic fucks?! Overkill and cruel - what are they trying to prepare her for? It's not real life - so perhaps prison?! I'd be livid that they put some warped thinking above my child's health. Have your child's back - as they clearly don't.

Goodness me this is ridiculous.

My dd and dd go to private secondary and uniform rules are v strict but you'd have to have way more than one infringement for even a lunchtime detention. I've also never heard of children not being allowed to drink water !!!

My stance with the school would be that I absolutely would not be carrying punishment over to home. Especially not cancelling activities as I've already paid for them and they are good for children. I don't let my dc just miss activities as it's a commitment and it would therefore be hypocritical of me to cancel!

I also wouldn't let my 9 year old have a phone but that's another issue I suppose.

That school sounds crazy. I've heard of secondaries like that but not primary/middle. I'm a former teacher and usually very pro strict behaviour policies having seen terrible schools with very little behaviour management but to me that seems to be setting the kids up to fail. She does sound young to have a phone already but I know I'm probably in the minority there.

The Yoga-thing, absolutely no way would I allow school to dictate. It's not just for fun, there's a physical health aspect. Medicinal. You'd not allow them to tell you to stop giving your child medicine? Not any different to me from what you've said.
As a general rile if thumb I'd also not allow school to dictate about after-school activities if I'm honest. How smothering is that for a child. Who's in charge, what message does that give to your child. Also if I've paid for an activity I'm not loosing money over it for my child's disadvantage.
In top of any of that, the detentions are petty & its unbelievably mean to be escalated to the level they have. There's no malice in what your child did OP. Just momentary lapses. I'd want to be the external voice of reason for my child, let them know it's unfair but just got to play the long game & keep their actions in perspective for them. Don't let them be gaslight they're a bad kid who needs severe punishment.
If it was a situation you agreed with further consequences at home, it's down to you how you handle. Not school. Choose things that are proportional, fit in with your lifestyle. Eg, no pudding, no pocket money, extra chores. But I'd only do that in extreme cases because as others say, your child is already being punished at school so it's dealt with.
In 5 years your child will be mid teens @StoppingTheClassDueToDetention & it's really important to build a relationship where they know you have got their back, you're fair with them, you're strong enough to make your own mind up & are on their side. Or else teen years, they could shut you out.
Good luck.

If this is real the school are absolutely ridiculous and there is no way I would be stopping any activities for them reasons, I’d also be letting the school know this.

That's absolutely shocking.
No way would I be stopping activities for those things and I would have told the school that also.

I can understand the detention for the locker key, but I would have lost my shit with them over the water one.

and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity

Are you for real?! "Carries on" - you made it sound like she was sassing the teacher or bullying other children. Everything she has done is either forgetful or so minor that even my pretentious grammar school would have just given the child a ticking off there or then. Yes, the rules are the rules, but you're really considering punishing your 9/10 year old in a way that would cause her pain?!

Honestly, if this was my daughter I'd be sad facing all over the Daily Mail! Actually no, I wouldn't, I'd be telling the school to get stuffed! You do not legally have to punish her with anything, let the school carry on with their Draconian rules and perhaps think about your role as advocate for your child.

Having read all of your posts, I’d get a doctors certificate that dd can drink water whenever she wants, I’d tell the teacher the yoga is a medical treatment for dd, you’ve told her that, and she might as well start advocating for beating her with a stick if she seriously thinks you should take away things that support her managing her health condition. But I don’t think I’d take away anything! what stupid petty punishments for minor infractions they are and the school cannot dictate her out of school activities. ‘I don’t believe that would be effective behaviour management, you are a school not a juvenile detention facility and I think you should start acting like one’ seems about the right response.

@CoddledAsAMommet

I don’t believe that would be effective behaviour management, you are a school not a juvenile detention facility and I think you should start acting like one

A juvenile detention facility would probably be more pleasant.

Poor child! The school is controlling and overly punitive for very slight mistakes! A 9-year-old CHILD forgot a key and a pin, and had a drink of water at the wrong time? Honestly, I would contest the detentions but flat out refuse to alter her schedule outside of school. You're taking away productive, formative activities such as choir concerts because of this bullshit? Taking her phone away might be reasonable at a stretch, especially if the misdemeanors were more serious. But the other suggestions are bonkers. Obviously you shouldn't even be considering taking away an activity that she's using as healthy pain management. Making a 9-year-old more sick because she forgot to bring two items at two different occasions (one item totally insignificant, just a symbol really), and had a drink of water? She should be in pain for this, just because she might enjoy said healthy pain-managing activity?

I'm not from the UK, by the way, so culturally different. I'm from a country where schools are generally much more "loose" on discipline than in the UK. But I'm still here to tell you that this is bonkers.

Why on earth do you think you need to show her that you're acting in solidarity in the school?
Why on earth would you want your child to think that you are in solidarity with them anyway?

umm. You need to take her out of that school. Now. That’s insane.

So basically the school gave her detentions for forgetting a key - once - needing a drink of water between lessons, and wearing a pin in the wrong place. And not only did you go along with the detentions, you agreed further punishment outside of school, and you’re actually considering this batshit teachers’ suggestion that you remove an activity that helps with physical pain - and the choir activity she’s looking forward to so much. That’s just putting the boot in for spite !

OP, when you attended the meeting with the teacher, the right course of action would have been to tell them that you support detention punishments for bad behaviour or infringement of rules etc., but not for stupid, nitpicking reasons that really only warrant a quick word to resolve. I’m all for supporting the school if there is a real problem - the child being disruptive or bullying. But this is way over the top - she’s 9 and all this is designed to do is instil fear as a form of control. You need to support your daughter here because this is way over the top.

l would be making a complaint to the school governors about policy in this area and informing them that you consider any further requests for home punishment in addition to detentions to be overstepping their authority. And I would definitely be reporting that teachers’ suggestion of taking away a therapeutic activity that helps with pain management, just because there’s a chance she might enjoy it. That’s child abuse in my view.

You need to speak to the head and the SENCO and tell them this is unacceptable and if they don't listen, punish them by taking away their prosthetic leg and blood pressure medication.

Like most people, I wouldn’t want my child going to a school like that, and wouldn’t stop any activities either.

School should be encouraging activities, not punishing children.

I don’t think that environment suits everyone, I would seriously think about the damage this could do to a child, to be made feel bad for very minor things that don’t matter anywhere else except this school.

As my sister says, just because someone is wearing a white coat, doesn’t mean they know everything (with regards to doctors) but the same idea, you should use your own head and forget everyone else.

Presumably you are paying for these activities, is the school going to reimburse you?

My DS was in high school and he had some detentions but I didn't punish him at home. We talked about how the behaviour would stop and it stopped.

It seems really over the top that she is punished at home. If you do do there is no way I'd stop the yoga as it supports her pain management.

I wouldn’t stop any of it! The detention is the punishment. Productive and healthy activites should not be taken away in punishment !
we aren’t there yet but for serious offences I would take away phone or computer etc
my son is in first school but will also be going to a ‘strict’ middle school and I’m dreading it and considering options