To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

And if your DD went to school and said you had punished her for having an unscheduled drink of water they'd be phoning social services 🙄

Is she at Ivy Ridge?

Why were you up for any of this?

Absolutely barmy.

This ^

Also Op, in the nicest possible way - you need to enagage your brain and stop blindly doing what the school say… (are you a people pleaser in other areas?)

This school may be good in some ways and may be the right place for your daughter, but you’re doing her no favours demonstrating that
a) one punishment isn’t enough, we must instead keep punishing ourselves over minor incidents because proportionality is not a thing… and
b) that if an authority figure tells you to do something that suggestion must be followed unquestioningly, no matter the effect on you (or others).

I am all for following the rules when they are clearly set out and you’ve signed up to them (eg by joining a school or office which makes those rules clear up front). I am also all for accepting that, when an organisation makes a consequence clear and applies that policy transparently and fairly, you have to accept the consequences of your mistake/action however annoying.

BUT in terms of this kind of daily admin/housekeeping - that is the school’s responsibility to enforce, they have a system and there’s is ZERO need for you to be backing this level of issue up on the way you have volunteered to do.

This isn’t a case of eg. your dd swearing at a teacher, the school giving a consequence and you turning up to say ‘how dare you give my DD detention?!’. That would be undermining and disrespectful of any parent. In that situation backing up the school and possibly applying a home consequence might be appropriate as it would be about a change of attitude and behaviour at a deeper level.

All we are talking about here is that a 9 year old isn’t quite on top of some daily school admin and is given a consequence. Fine - but that’s the end of it! Maybe think about what YOU feel is reasonable at home and implement that instead. Perhaps if she gets 3 after school detentions there is a consequence at home (ONE not two or three). Obviously a serious infraction (eg hurting another child) is a different matter entirely.

If I were you I would backtrack to one lost activity session, explain to her that you overreacted that you aren’t ruling out home consequences in future depending on specific circumstances. But that she needn’t worry about losing her concert (if you’ve already held that over her head?)

The idea that you’d make your child ill in order to kowtow to the school’s preference on this is absurd. It would be better to think of a way to support her in remembering these little admin tasks she is getting used to and, if questioned, letting school know that this is how you are both backing them and supporting your DD.

Their approach is unnecessarily punitive and suggests a rather blunt “with us or against us” mindset that does not usually result in the kind of collaborative teamwork I’m sure they would say they are seeking…

Perhaps consider how best to model behavior that will allow your daughter to grow up to advocate for herself and be assertive about her needs so these can be met, but without being unnecessarily aggressive/combative. What you are currently modeling is how to be a doormat, which I’m sure isn’t what you want her to learn?!

I'm sorry did you perchance mistakenly send your daughter to train for special forces instead of a normal school?

its totally ridiculous to punish a 9 year old for forgetting her keys and drinking water!

Why do you let the school have so much influence? I wouldn’t stop any activities or do any other punishments. The detention is the punishment. You need to support your daughter not someone else’s bad ideas. Use your judgement.

1 detention was for forgetting her locker key so she couldn't get any of her stuff (they didn't give her a chance to call me to bring it in as a one off I'd do this as I wfh)
1 detention was for being caught drinking out her bottle in the corridor between lessons (drinks only allowed at break and lunchtime)
1 detention for not wearing her houses pin on her tie (it was on her blazer lapel)

For these reasons I wouldn't be taking any of her privileges away. They are so minor and not 'bad' behavour as such. Ridiculous to be given detentions for them IMO. I would be telling them that at the parent meetings.

When mine were at school the (widespread) policy was to let them have access to water at all times. This was why water bottles were suddenly allowed at their primary school (and others in the area).

These detentions are all for minor infractions. So, I wouldn't be stopping the yoga. Thise kind of detentions should be for secondary school aged children who have actually done something more serious like refusing to do homework or being rude to others repeatedly or violence.

Let me guess, this is an academy run by one of those ultra strict trusts, isn’t it? Have a google, it’s eye opening and teachers are also rebelling.

I take it your dd has a care plan. If not, please contact the nursing team for your school area to discuss obtaining one. I would be writing to the senco and immediately informing them it is beneficial for your dd to drink whenever she is thirsty and asking for a water pass. Then I email the relevant person to add this to the care plan.

I would write to the head about the discrimination against her on grounds of disability. State you are concerned about her welfare whilst in their care because you fear her disability is not being taken seriously after they called you in for a meeting to scold you for not withdrawing an activity, which she participates in for her disability and health.

If you don’t get a satisfactory response, you can start to escalate, first to the governors.

The reasons for the detentions are ridiculous - having a drink when she is thirsty? What? I would think she's already been punished enough and not do anything further.

What now??????

absolutely no way would I be agreeing to this. Is this school in the Uk?

I wouldn't impose any punishment for these things. How utterly insane.

I voted YANBU but you are for taking away 2 activities that enrich your DD's life over such minor infractions.

I just read her "crimes". As far as I am concerned detention was enough and should have been the end of it. Unreal!

Wow. What an absolutely miserable childhood the kids at that school must be having.

YABU to send her there.

Sorry but I have to disagree with you @Leonarda89. It isn't boderline anything. It is Child Abuse. Even without the poor childs condition, that level of punishment for one normal error that anyone could make, and that could have been easily remedied by calling @StoppingTheClassDueToDetention, should not have even caused her to have
a detention, I think a bit of sympathy at having forgotten her key, and help ringing her Mum would have been far more appropriate. As for the rules about when and where anyone can have a drink of water, is verging on barbaric to me. One should be allowed to drink water whenever they are truly thirsty. The last rule break about wearing her pin on her lapel instead of her tie, she is nine years old, not 19 on her first workplace assignment.

This school sounds Dickensian OP, and they are doing what I would call Posturing. They can have no genuine or healthy reason for punishing pupils for such minor infractions, actually scrub the word infraction, one can only commit an infraction when breaking a rule, and as I consider all three of those "rules" as being so ridicous that they should not even be countenanced as "rules" in any ordinary person's reasoning. Therefore, IMO your very dear daughter has done nothing whatsoever wrong. Please, please, please, OP do not punish her at home for doing nothing unreasonable at all.

I can't imagine what the schools punishments must be for pushing or hitting another pupil, or even swearing at a teacher?

I’m all for kids learning from age-appropriate consequences for bad behaviour, etc… I assumed that to receive so many detentions in such a short time, that’s what this was about. While I agree with most that their detention metering is quite extreme and in theory should be teaching the kids to think for themselves, it is more likely that it’s teaching the kids not to care about detentions at all. As for your DD, I think that in this case what the school doesn’t know won’t hurt them. You are taking away two activities. The other can be justified as a medical requirement if necessary. I also believe you should request an exemption for water for your DD.

At some point, strict adherence to high standards tips over into the fetishizing of child punishment. This school has gone past that point.

YANBU. I don’t think you should be asked to stop any of it. The detention in itself is surely enough.

This.

The child is only yr5, it sounds like a horrendous environment.

I wouldn't be keeping my child there a minute longer, no matter how much that inconvenienced me. What an utterly miserable existence those poor kids have.

And we wonder why we have a generation of anxious, school avoiding teens

The ‘yoga’ type activity sounds like it is medically necessary f for your dd and to remove it would cause her considerable extended medium term pain.
have they asked/do they know if she is also on medication for her condition? And are they also expecting her to give that up too?!

that they could even consider expecting her to miss yoga and suffer the painful consequences says a lots about how they have got their priorities so very wrong.

there is no way in hell that I would let her miss the yoga session at the request of school any more than I’d stop her from taking medicine she needs. And if school think that this is a reasonable thing to ask - as a punishment for anything let alone such petty minor things - I would be reporting them to the welfare team at the council, OFSTED and anyone else I could think of as a serious safeguarding risk to my dd and all the other pupils that are unlucky enough to go there, as well as getting it into the local papers how unsafe the school is.

and I’d be giving the school itself a piece of my mind as to how twisted and warped and just plain wrong their policies are.

It’s notable that where my dc are at school, it’s the only senior school in the region that doesn’t expect kids to wear a blazer, just a logoed jumper, and yet they are the school with the best results in exams, most wanted school in the area - a blazer would definitely be seen as a hindrance not a help.

i can see that changing school is a bigger consideration as other things will depend on it - but I would definitely be looking into what other schools are available locally and what the effects of changing would be for your dd!

The more and more threads I read about school. The more I’m so glad that I home educate…

I don’t think taking away her classes outside of school are appropriate at all

I feel so sorry for this little girl. What a life.

Blimey. What would they do if she actually behaved badly? A public flogging in the playground? Guillotining with all the teachers sitting around knitting?

I think this sounds nuts. As an adult I’ve forgotten my locker key for work and had to make do for the day. Inconvenient but not a big thing. Drinking some water and a tie pin in the wrong place don’t really merit punishment.

Regardless I’d say the class is more akin to physio to help keep her mobile and pain free so I wouldn’t skip that. I probably wouldn’t skip the other classes tbh but would remove phone for weekend to be supportive of school. Even if I thought they were being petty.