To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

What on earth?? Those are tiny infringements. There’s no way I’d even take away one activity or punish her at home in any way for those. Sounds like a military prison not a school.

Your poor daughter.

The school are asking way too much, IMO.

I agree that it's important that school sanctions are supported at home, they're over-reaching by demanding she lose all activities/privileges at home, especially those that allow her to manage her pain.

It all sounds a bit much, really!

I'd withdraw her from the school as it sounds way beyond insane and disgusting. I'd never allow my child to be subjected to that.

Obviously, I wouldn't withdraw her from any activities or take her phone.

There’s absolutely no way I’d be changing anything outside of school. These are all such minor things that a detention is over the top. I wouldn’t even have considered stopping any out of school activities for these. I’d also be having a strong word with school too about this pressure, the detention is the punishment.

This sounds bonkers. Misdemeanours are v minor. No way would I be punishing my child at home over this kind of thing. Do you live in North Korea?

I am surprised your poor daughter isn’t a nervous wreck, giving detentions for crap like this to a 9 year old! Seriously? Drinking water and forgetting a key? Well throw me in jail then, I lose my car keys all the time! Usually found in the dog basket or in the fridge.
Of course she shouldn’t miss exercise or her choir performance for this. Unless there is a back story and she is badly behaved (doesn’t sound like it).

Please don’t stop any of her activities or the choir. Children need to do these things for their own well-being and development. Madness to cut activities which generally keep children on the straight and narrow anyway.

Does it have to be a middle school? Can't she just go to a primary school and be a kid?

Your daughters health comes before anything a teacher says.
I cant believe you're even asking this.
Frankly I'd have complained to head of year about the form teachers over- reach. and total lack of comprehension about her pupils health needs. Shockingly dictatorial.

Nah I wouldn’t be told what to do out of school by a teacher. How you chose to punish or not punish things that have happened in school is entirely up to you and I wouldn’t even entertain this.

I think the school is a bit much. The detentions are overkill - kids will forget things and wtf about drinking water outside of break times? For the past 15 years our school kids have had water bottles with the school logo on them... it's encouraged they remain hydrated during class. Isn't that normal in schools these days?

I take it its a really good school otherwise? They sound horrid.

The teacher can suggest all she wants - I hope you didn’t have this discussion in front of your DD.
Going forward, your DD may be better to do a yoga class online that she can do daily and isn’t reliant on a teacher being available. Also, why has a 9 year old for a phone anyway!

She doesn’t need a phone for this - surely you meet her at the same place every day? And if not, because of parking, just tell her you might have to park up further down the road, or better still park the car up and walk to the gate to meet her.

I genuinely cant believe you are continuing to send your daughter to that school. The whole thing is overbearing, disproportionate and ridiculous and you are an awful advocate for the child for allowing this to happen.

What lunatic would stop her participation in choir? Something that requires discipline and hard work, giving your time at the weekend to contribute to a community event?

As for anything else I would just say to her tutor “I take the school rules seriously and will support my daughter to observe them in the way I see fit “

For that type of crimes, I wouldn't do any extra out of school punishment.
It wasn't a detention for being abusive, lazy, not doing the work .

I would restore the removed activities and tell DD, the world is full of stupid rules we have to obey, you are not in trouble with me or at home.

Just take away her phone

I voted you are being unreasonable for all the other ridiculously over the top sanctions you have already put in place

Firing squad.

That sounds like one neurotic school!
First, human beings and water should never be separated. We don’t need to restrict water intake unless on medical grounds.
And ONE “crime” = ONE sanction that they should ensure is effective.
Your poor child, what a miserable school life.☹️

Three detentions and they want you to isolate and imprison the child at home? What on earth is she doing at school - murdering her classmates?

I'm kidding. I read what she did "wrong". I very rarely don't take the side of the school in these threads but this is insanity. The yoga isn't even a fun activity really - it's a medical one. Its like them asking you to take away her inhaler.

Also punishments should be a direct consequence. Not just a random, relentless series of ongoing punishments with no rhyme or reason. I wouldn't take any of her hobbies away. Children need routine and security - not anxiety and lack of control. The idea that everything you hold dear can be taken away at a moments notice if you're not "good" enough is horrible.

I have no idea why the teacher even knows, in detail, all the activities she does to the point she is able to have these conversations. But I would be shutting it down.

Supporting the school means supporting the detentions, and echoing the message at home.

I can understand, if it's an ongoing behaviour problem, that they might ask you not to introduce new treats. I understand, if her behaviour has declined, that it might send mixed messages if you're picking her up from school, hearing all about it then taking her to her favourite restaurant.

But the stuff she already does and owns - I wouldn't take it away. Hobbies are healthy and important. If she enjoy them enough that taking them away is a punishment then they're very important.

Also I feel like this is the kind of thing that backfires. Eg I can imagine a parent stops their music-loving kid from attending their piano lessons as punishment and at the end of the punishment the kid has actually got used to having their Wednesdays free and no practice to attend so they no longer want to continue their piano lessons at all thank you very much.

You've got to be kidding! Three detentions for THAT!? Complete overkill.

Not only would I not be punishing her at home for any of those things, I'd also seriously consider moving schools!

I'll be removing my child from that school. School has no right to control outside activities.

They gave her a detention for HAVING A DRINK OF WATER?

No way would I be supporting their batshit rules!