To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

This sounds like nothing but bullying from the school. Why are you allowing her to be in this awful environment? I would start looking at other schools ASAP.

I wouldn't stop activities as children desperately need social skills and regular experiences. I might stop screen time, fun snacks.

I am so confused as to why any activities were being stopped in the first place? Did the teacher actually tell you you should do this due to your DD forgetting a couple of things? I am just trying to picture how this conversation would have gone!!

The punishments are the detentions (albeit ridiculous) so no need to do anything outside school.

I thought some of the punishments at my kids school were OTT but that is crazy.

I don’t think it is fair to ‘double punish’ a child. She is getting detentions at school for what sounds like fairly minor ‘offences’ and she isn’t misbehaving or being disruptive at all. Why on earth would you take away things she enjoys out of school? The school approach sounds very harsh to me and they are really over reaching themselves by asking you to extend the repercussions to her home life.

If your daughter had done something awful, like hitting, damaging property, swearing etc then I could maybe see the rationale for supporting school by having sanctions at home. But in this case, it seems so unfair to her. Especially as she is struggling with health conditions. Poor kid.

My school was very much like this, probably one of the reasons I'm a very anxious adult. Don't let them bully her over silly things

What a load of tripe and how punitive.

I wouldn't have stopped any of it .

What the hell are you doing punishing your daughter at home by taking phone away and not taking her to 2 activities..... for these things at school. When she has already had detention. And she's 9.

Are you (and the school) bonkers?

My DCs schools have always encouraged the children to drink water throughout the day to keep hydrated. They were actually given a small water bottle by the school to use at school aged 4 in reception. They are 6th formers now but still sip water through the day.
Schools say keeping hydrated helps children keep alert.

Disgusting reasons to punish a 9 year old. I'd be moving schools

I'd find another school, this is ridiculous.

No chance. They gave her the school sanction. They can't tell you how you address the issue at home. (I work in education and am an ex-teacher, btw so.not anti-teacher).

It's none of a school's business what your child does out of school time. Only one sanction should be applied to poor behaviour - in this case the detention. She hasn't misbehaved for you, so no reason for her to miss any activities at all.

I wouldn't take away a single thing. I was already thinking that way when I assumed that your daughter was back chatting the teacher or being rude to peers but for forgetting something. Jesus that just makes me want to weep for your daughter. She slipped up/made a mistake or finds it hard to organise herself and she is being punished outside of school for not being perfect. Horrendous.

I would tell my son in the same situation that the teachers are way over the top but try to remember your stuff to avoid the aggro. And no my son is not a thug he is absolutely golden. If he makes a mistake I discuss it with him and we find a better way. I have never stopped him doing things he enjoys for something entirely unrelated. If my son bullied someone or was rude to a teacher I would be like a dog with a bone on at him but for forgetting something not at all - I would just add it to the morning to do list for us to remember.

I don't think banning things etc works as a punishment - I think expressing you are cross/disappointed and why is much more effective - but I'm talking about when the kid has actually done something wrong not for forgetting a key!

I would not take any extra classes, clubs or activies away, I doubt that punishment even fits the "crime".

The school isn't your boss. I would hear what they say, and then if a punishment is needed, I find one to fit the crime. If you cannot think of one, get her to write an essay on what she did, why it was wrong, and how she will behave in future.

This school will ruin your daughters mental health.
This type of school expects perfection in all areas. The second her medical condition affects this you will see they will offer 0 accommodation regardless of the law.
Do her a favour and move schools you can always invest in extra tuition.

I think you're being really unfair to go along with this. Please don't stop any of the activities. Her detention is her punishment (which seems incredibly harsh as it is!). There's no need to inflict further punishment or threats. Poor thing.

Bloody hell!!! I would be removing my child from this school! Those detention reasons are ridiculous firstly. Yes fine they can enforce a detention - but to take away everything your child likes doing outside of school socially and to treat her like she has committed such a terrible offence is not just OTT, it will be scarring for her.

Remember you are her mum and biggest advocate in life. You don’t have to just do what they say. This tutor sounds awful and you should have told them how poorly you felt your child was being treated.

Absolutely would not be stopping any activities for those "misdemeanours" that would be complete non-issues in most primary schools. I would also be very concerned about a teacher who would demand a physical therapy be stopped as a punishment

I voted that you are being unreasonable because you are allowing a school to dictate to you.

Far too many consequences - she is your child and it isn’t up to the teacher to tell
you how to discipline your child.

Insanity. Why are you going along with any of this? I assumed it was something terribly serious, e.g. vicious bullying. She forgot some stupid pin??

I would not send my child to a school who treated children this way. They're not allowed to drink when the want? How is that healthy? They're not prison inmates!

Is this a prison or a school? Why on earth is she being punished by taking her out of school activities away for what she has done in school and is already being punished by getting a detention. The school is controlling and you are nuts for accommodating them. All of this seems excessive, overkill and will not teach her anything. Unless she badly harmed someone, I would not be taking any of these activities away and tell the school to do one.

SHE is 9. What merits detention?
at 9 -ONE consequence of actions is bad enough-far less telling parents. Expecting you to cube the punishment? id say.nope.you do it your way.
at school.
i deal with at home, sure if her wanna push-you gotta tighten reigns but- what?thats awful

I never say this but just read the reasons for detention and bloodly hell! She is 9 for goodness sake! I have a 9 year old and guess what, their heads are always in the cloud. Mine would live in detention if she starts getting one for everything she forgets. It's school's job to support her and give her tools to eal with forgetfulness but these issues are so ridiculous and reaction to them over the top. Why are you not standing up for your child and letting the school bully her? You will destroy her mental health this way? This has got to be a very strict private school or a public school where they had a history of difficult children. None of the acts she is punished for hurt any one or disrupt hers or others education. Change her school and stand up for her. Do not at any cost cancel any of her activities.

sorry for the typos and grammatical errors in my post. I am just so furious on your daughter's behalf.

and I votedUBU as you are allowing the school to bully your child