To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

YABU to put your daughter in such an awful school. Are you seriously ok with a school not letting pupils HYDRATE?

I seriously cannot believe that you are ok with the school for giving out not one but three detentions, all for the most stupid of reasons.

YABU to let the school dictate how you parent your child. YABU to take away any activities or do any form of punishment at home. YABU to pander to this crazy school.

I speak as a former teacher, now happily home educating my children because English schools are fucking nuts.

I’ve said you are being unreasonable because I wouldn’t take away any of the after school activities. Home should be a safe place and if a sanction has been carried out at school then it shouldn’t be continued at home. Yes definitely talk about what they have done to deserve a detention but I’d be concerned as to why she is getting so many (child or school could be at fault) The teacher is massively overstepping the mark!

The yoga isn’t just an activity, it is a form of physical therapy for your DD’s pain management . Would the school expect you to cancel a formal appointment with a physical therapist as a punishment for DD? That is beyond ridiculous. Based on the “infractions” you listed, I wouldn’t be punishing DD outside of school at all.

The punishment for drinking water concerns me. I’m in the US, so forgive me if they don’t have something similar to this where you live. In our schools, children with medical conditions can get what is called a 504 plan. It includes accommodations for the children to be able to meet both their medical needs and their educational needs. One of the common accommodations is being able to drink water whenever they need it, rather than having to wait for break/meal times. Here, the schools are legally required to follow the student’s 504 plan, whether they agree with it or not. If possible, I would suggest getting something similar set up for your DD.

School sounds mental and way OTT!

Do enough NINE year olds have phones now that school recommend removing them though?! I thought I’d misread and she was year 9 when I read that!

I wouldn’t take away her out of school activities, it’s like punishing her twice for incredibly minor infractions!

Christ on a bike, these are like the rules at my DC secondary school and they're teens and we parents think their rules are way too harsh!
9 years old! I wouldn't be inflicting any extra punishment for this trivial little things.
They wore ties and blazers in Primary but they weren't harsh about everything looking perfect as they were little, DDs school sounds crazy strict!

I understand schools are trying to instill discipline but so many of them are turning military-esque and there's just no need.

It's disproportionate OP. If you sanction petty issues like this, what do you then do if something serious happens?
The teacher is massively overstepping the mark in trying to influence how you treat your child. Children have a strong sense of justice and your daughter will know that this is over the top.
Grey rock with the teacher and parent your child as you see fit. But do keep an eye on your daughter to make sure she's happy in the school. - just in case this teacher's overbearing approach spills over into affecting her.

I would not be happy with this school.

School punishments shouldn’t be carried over into home life, not unless it’s something really serious.

This yoga though is more akin to medical treatment. You wouldn’t take away medical treatment as a punishment. They’re actually telling you to cause your child pain to back up their punishment.

I think this is awful.

It’s outrageous that she should miss out on out of school activities for such minor infractions as well as detention! I’d leave her with her phone too - what an awful
school she attends.

What absolutely ludicrous punishments for minor infractions by a nine year old. She’s a little kid. And they want to punish her multiple times by punishing her at home as well as with detention , and police your parenting? I’d be telling them to get stuffed and looking for a better school.

Just read the trying to stop her drinking water thing.

I would want to remove my child from such a horrible, draconian school.

I was imagining all sorts of things she might have done. I can't believe they are making such a fuss about minor things. We had strict school rules like never being seen outside school grounds with our cardigans showing. You either had to take it off or cover it with the blazer. But the idea that they'd call our mothers to insist outside activities were stopped wouldnt even have occurred to them. The school sounds appalling. I can't imagine this is enhancing her learning. The idea that you should stop something that helps your daughter's pain levels because of the placement of a lapel pin sounds quite sadistic. Life with constant even low level background pain is hard enough without insane punishments
and water restrictions.

YABVU for even considering this! WTF??! I wouldn’t be stopping her other activities either.

What on earth has she done so bad that deserves all that? Murdered someone? You'd take away an Easter concert that means so much to her? That is cruel.

And school are telling you to punish her by removing a therapeutic activity so she is in pain?? I'd be removing her from the school and reporting the sadistic teacher. The school sounds awful. All these detentions and then trying to make parents punish them too - for a 9yo?? The school punishments sound over the top as it is but why would you then punish them further at home?? You'll damage your relationship with your DC if you carry on like that.

Let her go to her activities, give her back her phone and have her back while you look for a new school.

The school ks way over the top here.

Your child has been punished at school by having detentions. That's plenty for the things she did wrong in my opinion (former teacher here). Even if extra punishment was required at home, it would be up to you to decide what that is.

I'd be considering whether another school is better for her.

That's dreadful. So this isn't even bad behaviour. I feel so sorry for her.

This cannot be real, You are supposed to be your child's protector. Tell the school to F right off and start looking for a new school first thing tomorrow.

Totally agree with this.

The school are being ridiculously over the top here. I wouldn’t be taking away any of the extracurricular activities at all.

This is utterly insane and I wouldn't be agreeing to any punishment for these ridiculous 'misdemeanours'

Why on earth aren't you advocating for her? She needs to stay hydrated for her condition but you're going along with the school punishing her for this and then punishing her for it yourself! Poor little girl.

Speak to the SENCO immediately and get her a pass to be allowed to drink in class. My DD is at actual high school and they are allowed to drink in class. In fact don't have any of those stupid rules and no ties and blazers.

I wouldn’t be stopping any activities that I had paid before. Ridiculous and controlling.

This is deranged and way too harsh a punishment for some minor infractions in what sounds like an over controlling regimen. Who hasn't forgotten a key or pin, or needed a drink due to thirst outside of an arbitrarily designated 'drinking time'?

What is she meant to be learning from this, to take with her into the real world?Anxiety, perfectionism and that she needs to neglect her physical needs to conform to a Kafkaesque system where her teachers can even dictate that her punishment extends into her leisure time and social life.

All these dentention incidents could have been situations where she could have learned something rather than been punished eg to find a solution to the locker (contact mum/borrow materials/write on paper and copy into book/computer notes later in her own time) or been nudged about time planning over the drinking issue
I am 100% with parents backing up that teachers are in loco parentis role when the child is at school, that there are rules and teachers should be respected and reasonable instructions obeyed - but punishment should be appropriate for the infractions and relate to the crime. By all means a huge removal of all social and leisure activity with something like an incidence of violence, racism, arson, vandalism, but all this for forgetting two items and being thirsty?

I would say an absolute no to stopping any of her out of school activities.
The yoga is more in the nature of a physical therapy than a leisure activity anyway. Much more important would be a response of some supportive work with her in planning and organization so she has a system for her preparation for school and is less likely to forget any items.

Exactly - with all this punishment I thought she'd been beating someone up or something! But no, she's been drinking water and had a pin in the wrong place.
This is absolutely insane! I can't believe you're going along with this nonsense and giving her any extra punishments. You're thinking of pulling her out of a concert, she's been rehearsing for months? Jesus, poor kid. I think I'd move her to a different school.

1 detention was for forgetting her locker key so she couldn't get any of her stuff (they didn't give her a chance to call me to bring it in as a one off I'd do this as I wfh)
1 detention was for being caught drinking out her bottle in the corridor between lessons (drinks only allowed at break and lunchtime)
1 detention for not wearing her houses pin on her tie (it was on her blazer lapel)

im so glad I’m not at school, this school is looking for trouble instead of forging a positive environment to learn 😥

YANBU.

and the school are being very fucking unreasonable. How dare they dictate to you after school activities, which has nothing to do with them ( and you’ve presumably paid for)

. Her punishment is 3x detention. No more punishment needed.