To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

The detention reasons are ludicrous. Absolutely ludicrous.

And they expect you to then stop after school activities, which are none of their business, as well as one that reduces her pain?

Absolutely not. The detentions suffice but getting one for having a drink of water? Absolutely fucking shocking in my opinion.

Why the fuck have you put your daughter in this awful awful school.

Is it that mental one run by that awful awful woman Katharine Birbalsingh

Jeezo.

Send her to "yoga" and tell teacher to mind her own damm business

Absolutely not.

I am a great believer of supporting schools and teachers but over my dead body would I be removing activities that keep my child healthy over minor misdemeanours.

In all honesty, I would be giving them no punishment at home as it sounds like it has been dealt with in school.

It is a 9 year old and a uniform infraction. School need to get a grip.

No. Yanbu. I am usually strict about these things but this is medicinal.

Can I please urge you not to take a single thing away from her these are ridiculous things.

us as adults need and want a drink when we want and in every job I’ve had I get a drink when I want.

in every job I’ve had I’ve forgotten something from time to time and it hasn’t affected me.

thirdly again I’ve had to wear lanyards before long and forgotten it again an easy mistake to make.

god help me when my child is school age if any school tries to do this to my child. Absolutely not happening she essentially has done nothing at all wrong. We all do no different and I bet these asss holes inforcing these abhorrent things have forgotten things were able to drink when they wanted.. it angers me enough to really hate the fact I can’t home school my child In 2026

As a teacher (and mum of 4 now adult children) this is utter madness! They have absolutely no right to tell you how to bring up your child. I'd be complaining or moving my child.

Is the headteacher Professor Umbridge? Because that's what that description makes me think of. If they expected me to cancel a child's activities because of those "offences", they could jog on.

Gosh. As someone who would usually side with school rules (as in if you choose to send your child to the school, you should support their rules regarding uniform etc), these are ridiculous. Only allowed to sip water at lunch and break??? It sounds a very controlling place based on its rules and expectations that a child misses outside activities for breaking these over the top rules. Is it in the UK?

Outside activities are such a great thing for children’s well being and all roundedness. I can’t believe they expect you to stop them!
Personally, I’d be looking for a better school- it might be good in terms of results perhaps, but it sounds awful in a lot of other ways.

They can get to fuck. By all means enforce school rules in school, no matter how petty, but don't expect at home punishments. They're better off investigating why she can't reliably do these things (on their side, not just hers. They must have very well attended detention sessions)

I wouldn't stop any of the activities.

OP, it’s not your fault. I think you’ve fallen in with wanting to support the school and that usually isn’t wrong, but right now, it is.

I know what chronic pain is. It started with migraines when I was 17. Then it was sores they couldn’t explain when I was 25. Then it was trouble breathing they couldn’t explain when I was 30. Now they can explain them all, and I’m dying at 39.

Your little one is 9. She has pain.
It is literally madness to punish her for such small infractions. Do you know what it feels like to have to push a boulder up a hill, every single day of your life, while ALSO trying to do all the same things as everyone else? Honestly, I think she’s amazing for doing as well as she has, and only forgetting these petty little things at school three times. So, two things I would say to you.

1. Give her everything back. Her phone. Her activities. Sometimes the social component is all that a child has to look forward to, when they feel like they’re different or less than or they keep making mistakes and being put in detention. She has done nothing wrong.
2. Start advocating for her more strongly. First of all, she should be able to drink water whenever she wants - staying hydrated is a huge factor in almost every illness I can name that causes pain, whether it’s nerve/joint/muscle/bone/organ pain, all of it. And tell school that you appreciate their ideas on punishment, but you’re very of your daughter, and you won’t be punishing her further when she’s doing her very best.

She needs you to be her mum and her champion, OP. It’s not just about yoga. She’s 9 and she has a whole life ahead of her that she’s going to have to navigate, but it starts with you showing her what healthy boundaries are. I wish you the very, very best of luck, because it sounds like you want the best for her and have good intentions. You just maybe listened to a school more than your own intuition as a mother, and that’s easily solved.

Fucking madness.

Bull.

A detention for drinking when thirsty? Really?

For those nothings I wouldn't stop anything at home.
A teacher asking you to punish your child in a way that will lead to increased physical pain is way out of order, but frankly nothing she has done is worth more than a quick telling off.

This is the sort of crap schools come out with that means people see school and teachers as the enemy and helps nobody.

WTAF is this nonsense.

You need to stand up for your child, not remove holistic things which benefit her.

Why are you punishing your child for breaking such arbitrary rules? U.K. schools are overreaching in their discipline currently because it's all about trying to maintain control against all odds. Don't support it. Personally I don't care if my kid gets a million comments for such things. I've told him I'll only ever be concerned if he's been cruel or disrespectful.

The school sounds insane, no way would I be complicit in this nonsense. I'd be looking at other schools.

What you do with your child outside school hours is none of their business frankly.

It's not a school.. it's an army camp.. those detentions are ridiculous for what she did..
Schools are concentrating more on discipline than education.
She's had her detentions.. her outside activities are nothing to do with school.
And this is why we home educate.. she's nine and my grandchild is same age.. I'm actually crying for your child.

This. I'd write them an email with this point plus hydration question, and imply discrimination.

I would not take away any after school activities, except one.
This would give her an example of what could happen again if she is given detention. And to show that you respect school advice. (But really, the school is too strict.)
I would not pull her out of things that affect others who have also worked hard, like the choir.

I would stop all social media, phone and screens for one week.
Again, just in solidarity with school.

The not drinking is scrict. You should encourage your daughter to drink water when she can so that she never feels thirsty or dehydrated during lesson time.

Christ! I have a 10yr old year 5.
He is a bright 'academically standard' type of kid who I often think would thrive being pushed ahead a bit... but he would not cope with any of this over zealous crap. Poor kid would be scared for life.

First thing I would do is get onto the senco. The kid has a medical need. Get her a water pass or wherever she needs to be able to have a drink bless her.

So what you're really saying I'd that for wearing a badge on the wrong bit of uniform she was to loose her 3 social activities one of which was also a medical/health class and the potential loss of contact with her other parent through the loss of the phone. And the tutor was pushing you to do all this ... ?

In a school behaviour policy the 'punishment' is required to be 'proportional' I'm not seeing how this is proportional at all!

The school sounds horrendous and that's coming from a teacher. There is no way I would be stopping my child's activities or taking her phone away for such ridiculously minor things. If you want your daughter to stay at the school I'd just be saying the right thing in the meeting and then carrying on as normal.

1st comment nailed it.
min this situation I’d maybe take phone away for the weekend. But I wouldn’t stop any paid for activities! And stopping her from participating in a choir she’s practiced so long for is cruel too!
detention is the punishment…having 1 thing taken away at home is enough! I don’t agree with carrying the punishment on for days and days!