To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

PLEASE DO THIS!!!

Or at least leave paperwork lying around that suggests you and DH are emigrating to New Zealand or something similar.

I'd reply not at all. Thanks for doing it.

That'll piss her right off.

Don't mention that youre moving stuff back.

Don't reply as it feeds her need for attention
She is not allowed unsupervised in the house or garden again - none of the 'if you do it again' threats as that just gives her another go at it all
Maybe she needs a GP appointment and a MH referral, but to be fair there is no pill invented yet that gives you a real function in life

Perhaps she should volunteer in her local hospital if she's that desperate to be needed

Keep her well away from any DCs you may have, do not let her childmind

Those who would appreciate someone cleaning their homes want someone who does what they want, in the way that they want it done, when they want it done, and not done in an intrusive prying way. None of what MIL is doing fits this.
MIL is marking her territory (DHs home) like a tom cat. She can GTF.

You have to tell us the dog story now !

Take the key back. And block her.. Ils never had my mobile number. It made for a happier marriage as we weren't rowing about her as much. And less stressful for you.. If dh invites them behind your back you simply go out. Worked well for me.

My mum does this, once a week she picks up my child from school but she will go to my house about 2 hours before she collects him and tidy and clean etc. At times she has rearranged my cupboards and fridge. It doesn't really bother me, I'm grateful for the help , although rearranging stuff Is a little annoying. I never get furious though, one day I'll miss it. I wonder if you would feel the same if it was your mum and not MIL

If she writes "I hope you're not angry with me", you text back
"Yes, I am angry with you. Doing things that you have been explicitly asked not to do is not only unhelpful, it is rude. If you want me to like you, stop being rude and unhelpful. If you continue to do things that I have asked you not to do, I will assume you are choosing to be purposefully rude and unhelpful and you will no longer be welcome in my home. It's your choice."

find her a job in a charity shop - literally get her the job and then tell her she has an interview and she must attend

if she is happy to change your living room around - then she can't complain when you get her a job interview at a charity shop

then that will keep her busy

or get her a job doing ther charity work and tell her when it gets to interview stage, drop that surprise on her from a great height

Ignore the texts. Just don't respond. From now on, any time she comes to the house, make sure that she always has a chaperone. Unfortunately, you're going to have to treat her as if she were a small child or a boisterous puppy. She needs constant supervision.

Have you tried doing a dementia test on her? She might be on autopilot.

I think it's actually a good idea, I might suggest it when the waterworks come

Ask for the key back. Smile and be firm. Take her out once a month or something, have her to yours but for specific reason for a set time, eg lunch before you go out to meet friends at 3pm Aggressive revenge stuff isn’t going to help here. The lady sounds as though she has a mental health issue. If you have time point her to local social clubs, day centres. sounds like FiL will be grateful for a bit of peace too. Good luck.

MIL
The fact that you are worried we will be angry means you know you did something that we will not like.
Yes, I am criss
Yea, you have overstepped a boundary by doing something you were asked not to do.
No you will not be allowed in our home unsupervised at any time in the future.
[Ask for key to house to be returned if PIL have one]

My friend had to ban her Dad from looking after the kids when he gave them permission to play with the hose pipe in her kitchen. I think grandparents can be a bit complicated tbh.

If you're going to respond I think this is the best option. "I'm nor angry I'm disappointed" is very effective!

What's your DHs view on how to respond out of interest? Because ideally I think you ignore the texts completely and let him send the "were really disappointed" message!

She's the eldest by almost ten years and I think that she used to mother her brothers when they were children. They are very enmeshed, live very close to each other and meet almost every day. They are always praising her to heavens for being so caring and involved.

She was out of order. No doubt about it. Dont ket her in your house again unsupervised by you. Your DH should have said something.

Could you say something like, "I appreciate you want to help but your poor son has just spent half an hour putting our furniture back the way we want it. And now he's exhausted."

The telling off is a reward. With people like this, any attention is a good thing. I bet she's been like this for ages!

What a complete bitch. How very dare she.

Wow - I would be furious with lack of privacy and respect for property.

Change the locks. Don’t give them a key again!

Older people have habits that we can't change, you're just going to have to put up with it, you'll be rewarded in the end and your husband will appreciate you more. I've seen it in my own parents, they won't listen no matter how much you ask or beg or get angry with them. It's only going to hurt your marriage. Life throws so many tests at us, this is just one of them, you have your own house. When she's not there you can vent and relax as much as you want. I just think it's only for a day and when she's gone things can go back to normal. I'm sorry you're going through this. It really sucks, but it won't last forever.

I feel for you op, I have a similar mil rearranged my underwear and tampons so they were under the kitchen sink! De-weeded my pots accept what she thought was weeds were flowers. All sort of weird shit. Still can't accept no or respect boundaries but we have very low contact I leave my husband to communicate and deal with her.

It's all very sad she just doesn't have any purpose or interests going on in her life. Yet could volunteer do all manner of stuff.

How much is your DH onboard with cutting her out? Because that’s obviously the only way this sort of thing is going to stop.

You could simply respond “You are no longer welcome in our house.” And refuse to be drawn any further (tell her brothers they aren’t treating you right if they phone to complain). But that only really works if your DH is prepared to back you up.

If your DH isn’t onboard then chaperoning is a possibility, but a difficult one to maintain. I think the poster who suggests you go visit her and move all her stuff around, may have a point. Perhaps ask her if you can do a bunch of things to help before hand, things you know she won’t like and then go ahead and do them when after she says “no”. Rearrange her cupboards. Replace her food with stuff she hates, etc. Then say “I hope you aren’t angry with me. I just wanted to respond in kind.” Big smile and leave.

Alternatively, just be very blunt and honest with her. “Of course I’m angry, as you knew I would be. Why you want to antagonize your son and his wife, I don’t know. You really need to get yourself a better hobby.”

If you want to escalate things, throw out the photo she moved to the front and send her a pic of it in the bin with the text “You missed a bit cleaning, but don’t worry, I fixed it.”

We've actually bought her a cat 😂she always wanted one, apparently, and wanted a cat as her retirement gift. But the cat prefers FIL, so it's fallen out of favour.