To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

All you can do is keep setting the boundary and saying no.

You also don’t need to pretend that nothing happened.

Then turn it back to DH

"So you don't have by back? Your Mum really hasn't done things like XYZ every time she has had access to our home? You didn't agree that she isn't allowed here on her own? You don't agree that she ignores our very reasonable rules around the dog? Do we need to do couples therapy to work through this?"

I've been practicing the phrase - 'no thanks that doesn't work for me' for both DH and MIL. On repeat. With no further elaboration. It's hard but keep going. They will get the message.

Great response.

I'm so sorry about DH. I'd be fuming. Is he a bit dim not to notice her mind games?

Remind dh who he made vows to. Or he will find himself spending a lot of time at her home.... Like all the time..

Yep my DH is the same.

I think he just wants an easy life. Probably the same with MIL’s brothers. They can’t face the trouble she’d cause if someone stood up to her.

That's very disappointing.

My DH does have my back, he doesn't always notice (as it's conditioning) but he is very sympathetic and it makes such a difference.

I'd recommend the Toxic In-laws book by Susan Forward, the strapline is "How to save your marriage." and it was a lot more interesting than I expected.

Dog is so cute.

He even sarcastically asked me to today if his mother "misbehaved again" yesterday

I'd have replied calmly, 'Slightly, yes. She's obviously pushing boundaries again by asking to dog sit. Let me be abundantly clear - and you can phrase this however you like to her - she is never going to be alone in my home again. That's it. No dog sitting. No cleaning and re-arranging my possessions. No damaging my plants. Nada.'

She does know she’s done something wrong but it appears she really doesn’t care. You have an OP full of all her wrong doings. It’s very passive aggressive particularly with the victimhood afterwards.

He even sarcastically asked me to today if his mother "misbehaved again" yesterday...

Sod that. Put it back on him. "What sort of behaviour are you talking about?"

if 'anything you didn't like', try "What behaviour is it you think I don't like?"
"You were there - do you think she did <that kind of behaviour>?"

Don't be drawn in. Get specifics so he acknowledges what it was that she actually did. Then he can try and remember for himself if she did that again.

I’m both laughing and melting here at your beautiful dog and the fact you’ve put it in the picture frame.

Don’t forget the head tilt too!

God, the thought of her looking after your dog on her own. She'll have a field day.

1. She will likely 'accidentally' make it ill because she gets soooo confused about all the rules about chocolate and oh it's so complicated for her and she only meant well
2. She will be taking your dog to the emergency vet every other day because she's so 'worried' about it
3. She will offer to pay the vet bill(s) while simultaneously telling her brothers that you're bleeding her dry when she's only trying to do you a favour
4. Drop heavy hints to everyone she knows that she's soooo worried about the animal's welfare because it's 'always ill', but she knows from experience that she's not allowed to say anything
5. She will let the dog escape out of the front door
6. She will take the dog for a walk and 'lose it'
7. She will ring you constantly about whether or not she is 'allowed' to do basic things like changing the dog's water (that has mysteriously spilled) because she's soooo worried in case you will think she's interfering if she tops it up
8. You will come home and find her in tears of 'worry'

My tinkly laugh always morphs into a 'fly my pretties' cackle.

It does the job though.

@GelatinousDynamo Your DH is breaking because he's had a lifetime of MIL emotionally manipulating, blackmailing and guilt tripping him not helped by his uncles backing her up and wearing him down so he's conditioned to always give into and pacify her. Not that it excuses his taking it out on you because you have developed firm boundaries. Honestly your description of MIL and how she is with her brothers and DH sounds like what I call emotional incest especially refering to your DH birthday as 'their day' it isn't its DH's day its HIS birthday.

Next time he makes a sarcastic remark to you calmly ask him how he would feel if your mother came round and rearranged your house and went down his private things and put a photo of her and you in pride of place to hit the message home.

I wouldn't be surprised if she's been pouring venom in his ears over how mean and difficult you're being and "I only want to help" with CROCODILE TEARS thrown in.

I also think your MIL is trying to be the matriarch and you threaten that position because you won't allow her to control your life and home so she's escalating her behaviour to get power and control, one tactic is effectively using your DH as her flying monkey to wear you down like she does with her brothers they are flying monkey's too. Don't break keep those boundaries strong and wait her out until she has exhaustes every power play and tactics until she runs out of ideas it will happen I've seen it myself. Good luck OP and please keep us updated.

👏👏

OP, my DH's family is pretty toxic, and your phrase about your DH 'breaking' rang so true. When some fresh outrage happens, my DH is completely on board with my fuck-that-shit stance, but he inevitably starts to back track and minimise, and I'd have to remind him why we made the decisions we did, etc. Basically he's trying to rehabilitate the offender in his own head and mine.

I've stopped doing that now. I don't need his permission or consent about what I'll put up with or when. I simply tell him, no, that won't be happening, and you know why, then walk away. It's made life a lot easier. I totally get why it's so upsetting, but you can make it clear to him that he doesn't get to choose them and stay married to you.

Sorry MIL, the dog is allergic to you. Breaks out in a rash with stress at the very idea you would be in sole charge. That's why I had to take your photo off the sideboard, he started howling when he saw it.

or just tell DH that if he ever entertains even hinting that dogsitting/having a key back is even a possibility you will both be moving house one way or another.

Well if she was cleaning while moving stuff, as in washing skirting boards and cleaning windows, I'd tell her to carry on 😂 just spend 10 mins putting furniture back once she was away 😂😂

This.
She enjoys drama, esp where she can be the victim.
Grey rock is your friend here.
And very low contact, as low as possible.

This works so much better with my inlaws than being visibly angry. Although it can end up a bit like a scene from the film Monster in Law where you just have a really loud and ridiculous crying contest.

This is one of those threads where you really do have to RTFT

Yes because ironing is well known to be a very loud and noisy process...