To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

That’s not the point.. I would be furious!

All attention is good attention… she knows she has pissed you off. Ignore her.

leave a gimp outfit with a maid outfit under the bed. A huge dildo under the sofa and a strap on wherever else you feel appropriate. Then see if she tells the uncle….

From the OP's opening post:

She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

I wouldn't fancy it.

Are these replys just a wind up on OP?

Tell the BILs to get bent and stay out of it would be the first thing.

For your MIL… sorry to say but generally speaking it’s going to have to blow up for it to have a chance to get better. Meaning she’s still getting what she wants every time you or DH gets angry with her. So the next time make it big and make last. Ignore the Tera’s…the other family members…and any semblance of keeping the peace. In my experience this is what it takes for people like her to recalibrate and figure out that she can’t get get away with nonsense with certain people. Even then it’s still iffy if that will work.

I know this won't help but, my MIL was very similar (although actually an excellent iron-er/cleaner etc.) her finest hour was telling FIL to cut down a gorgeous old apple tree in my garden to let more light in. MIL now has dementia and is a shadow of the woman I knew then and tbh, I miss our spats.

I read a book ages ago, was something about narcissistic parents...anyway! This type of behaviour is because she believes her role as the mother/matriarch trumps your role as wife/partner. She's on a course to make sure you know who was there first, it has nothing to do with her being 'nice' or 'helpful'. Normal humans don't go in to other peoples houses and start moving their stuff, she knows what she's doing and unless you or actually your partner/husband put the boundary in it will keep happening. Don't be surprised when the waterworks come flooding. Hold your ground, it won't kill her and let her know she musty respect your wishes or hop it.

She's done it for attention, so I'd not react at all and tell your dh he can't either. (Whilst raising your boundaries higher)

Good response, but I'd go even further and say if this happens again she won't be allowed in your home unsupervised again. Make it very clear you do not want her touching your stuff AT ALL. It is not helpful, it is invasive and it will not be tolerated anymore.

Wow. Can’t she do some volunteering in her local area? Go and help clean a village hall. Home start? She needs to find a purpose and leave you alone. Such rude behaviour

I’m your mil age with two sons. She sounds bored and lonely to be honest, but not your problem. My mum was a bit like this when my DC young and I hated it. I think you have to stop it here, let your DH tell no more visits to your house, arrange to meet somewhere else until she gets the messsge.

Ask her not to come over..or don't answer the door. A bit difficult if fil brings her ...and you get along with him.
And what's the story of the brothers. Why is she whining to them ?
Don't take any of their shit either...I wouldn't. God it makes me so fucking mad on your behalf.

On the MIL is bored, lonely…does she know about U3A? Ideal for people like her to make some actual friends and go along to a few things that might develop an interest for her?
maybe have a look in her area and start dropping information to her…

but, other than that yep she’s bang out of order…”I only want to be useful” is a simple reply of “you are being unhelpful as it causes me stress and additional work. Find somewhere where your help will be appreciated- it isn’t in my home”

Send the hideous photo frame back to her saying "not to my taste" and shove the photo in a drawer

Tell DH to tell her that she's not welcome in your home as she cannot stop moving your stuff despite repeated requests not to.

I'd die on this hill.

She needs some boundaries, and fast.

It’s incredibly difficult in circumstances like this, when someone does exactly what they want, under the guise of “helping”- you end up looking difficult, ungrateful, and aggressive if you disagree with their efforts. My mother in-law has the same personality, although she’s never been quite bold enough to move my furniture around.

Go buy her a hamster, then she can clean that out and feel needed by it only half joking

I would be furious too op, but you are doing the right thing by not replying and leaving it until you've calmed down.

I bought a 2 way pet cam pretty cheaply, get one and then shout at her through it next time she touches your stuff.

Have you tried the upset rather than angry approach. Burst into tears when she mows your meadow.

I would reply “The fact you’ve sent me multiple texts to check if I’m angry shows you are aware you’ve overstepped the mark again MIL. I’m not angry but I do think it’s best you aren’t left unattended in my house any more as you can’t seem to control the urge to do things DH and I have explained we do not want or need you to do.” Then honestly I’d block and let your DH deal with his mum.

I have a MIL who cleans and tidies if left unsupervised. I'm sure she thinks I'm dreadfully slovenly but rather than getting angry/upset I try to think that it has saved me a job and is cheaper than a cleaner (even if I never would have done it myself).

I will sound off to my Mum who normally laughs and suggests sending MIL over to visit her!

Me too

To ruin your clothes??

Why are some people saying they would have her? Would you like your furniture and cupboards rearranged, laundry ruined, photos replaced, garden ruined? Do you not understand boundaries?

And the poster asking whether the lounge needed cleaning, who cares whether it did. If a room needs cleaning you don't rearrange it how you would like it at the same time

She wants attention really, either gushing thanks or drama she can martyr herself over. I think I'd go with
"No, not angry - we know you struggle with boundaries and inappropriate behaviour, so more disappointed than anything. All put back in place now, but its best you don't come over unless we're both in to avoid a repeat in future".

She understands perfectly that what she's done is wrong and going to cause upset but she doesn't give a shit. The multiple text messages are poking the bear. I wouldn't give her the reaction she's looking for but she wouldn't be setting foot on my property again in a hurry.

Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager

She does understand what shes doing. Shes doing it on purpose to piss you off. And shes texting asking if your angry because she wants you to reply saying you are, so she can cry about you being mean to her again 🤦‍♀️

I'd block her number and not engage with her at all at this point, sounds like shes been terrorising you for years