To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

Have you posted about your MIL feeding your dog treats behind your back when you asked her not to?

This is genius. I will do it if there is a next time, fight fire with fire.

I usually feel bad for some of the MIL threads on here but she’s really really crossing a line. I don’t think I’d mind the shirts or little things… but rearranging furniture and cutting my grass is just too much especially when you’ve asked her not to

If your husband is not on your side and allows the situation to happen again, then I would surreptitiously break or hide something of high value but non sentimental of his so that you can feign shocked and upset about what his mother has done and hopefully it will enrage him.

Fight fire with fire.

Seriously, get your Dh to g9 mediaeval on her and block her from your phone. She should no longer be allowed to be alone in your house. Fil can come to help etc, she can stay home. I would go nuts at this, last thing you need to do is have to rearrange the fucking living room on a Friday night. Jesus.

OMG this is like Deja Vu. I've been in a similar situation many years ago.

You've done all the polite things and nothing works. The ONLY solution is to take their keys away or change the locks.

It's sad for FiL but he can't stop her so this has to be the last resort. Take no notice of waterworks, complaining by other family members etc. You have to use this last resort or she will be a constant presence in your home while you're not there.

If she'd mowed my wildflower meadow, I would have banned her from the property altogether. I'm really not joking because that's deliberate vandalism.

Honestly, with people like this, you have to be totally blunt, preferably in writing.

"I've asked you before not to do xyz in my house. Seems this has fallen on deaf ears so I'm going to spell it out in plain terms: this is OUR home. OUR HOME. It belongs to me as much as it belongs to your son. It does not belong to you at all. You have consistently proven that you are incapable of respecting me and my privacy in my own home. You act in a way that is disrespectful and hurtful to me, that costs me a lot of wasted energy. Your actions have caused problems in your son's marriage to me. You've left me with no choice but to ask you to stay away from my home. I hate that you've put me in a position where I have to say this to my mother in law. I cannot just let these things ride to save your feelings: your actions are negatively impacting mine IN MY OWN HOME. That is in no rational, reasonable, sensible way acceptable and I hope you wouldn't stoop to suggesting it is. Please leave me alone in my own home."

Forward that to the brothers.

I love the idea of you doing the same thing at her house , if you have the energy. It might be the only way to make her see how irritating it is

I have, yes, once. But I've seen more than one person post about something similar, so it seems to be a common problem. She's crazy about that dig, it's like a grandchild replacement or something.

Wow - sweeping generalisation there 🙄
It might be difficult to change the habits of some people but that's not necessarily age-related. I'm not far off OP's MIL's age - I think I can tell quite quickly if someone is annoyed by something I'm doing and adjust my behaviour accordingly.

Thanks. That's exactly the way I feel about it. Luckily, DH has finally crossed over to my side.

She's deranged. I wouldn't let her near my house without supervision. I'd be lobbing a few seed bombs in her garden too ;)

I'd suggest dh/fil help her find some clubs or activities near her, she's obviously got too much time on her hands.

Plant bindweed in her garden. Introduce bedbugs and silverfish to her house. Keep her busy at home.

When she asks if you are angry reply with, why was that your intention? I see what you mean about the chair but I will be putting it back. Where it was is better for reading maybe next time bring a book and you can see for yourself?

I don't think it's mental illness. She's just used to everyone always accompanying her and accommodating her in every way possible. She can drive, but always insists on being chauffeured by FIL oh her brothers because "she's scared of traffic". FIL is very caring and loves her, so he kind of bows to her wishes and has his own hobbies and things going on. She has lots of social contact, but mostly with her brothers and their wives. As for what she does all day... I really have no idea. Goes to the shops thrice a day, mostly.

DH told her off

I feel your pain. At least you didn't come home from work to find a man fitting a new stair carpet with MIL supervising. She'd measured it, chosen the new carpet (nasty), paid for it, and arranged for it to be fitted. Things did not end well. Poor carpet fitter was a bit scared.
Before people tell me I'm ungrateful, she was only being kind, NO! This was the final straw. I thought she'd learnt after the magnolia paint incident but no, control, dominate, power...😡

They used to have a key, obviously it's been taken away after the lawn mower incident

If they don't have a key then I'd meet them only outside the house for a few months. Pub lunches or whatever. Dog walk.

DH can see his dad at theirs. DH should also take up percussion. Maybe electric guitar. They can start a band.

It's ok not to have people in your house who can't be trusted. I would definitely put a lock on your bedroom in the meantime.

@GelatinousDynamo Could you lock things away. Take the iron and mower etc and put them in a shed with a key. Remove the key when she visits.

And find a random job that she can do to keep her from 'helping' e.g. fold bedding.

I love this, especially if I left it on my desk (my work is often confidential, so no one is allowed into my office at home, I still always lock everything up). I know she tries to snoop around every time when here, caught her once at Christmas, apparently on her way to the bathroom... Which she passed on the way.

OP I think your current approach of not reacting is the best strategy! She's desperate for something to do and some kind of role/way to be needed, for attention. If you don't react at all I really think it will end with her stopping. Just completely pretend as if nothing has happened. She'll get no emotional feedback from anyone. Not you. Not her brothers rallying round (because nothing to whinge about). It'll take some teeth gritting but could be quite fun too, acting as if nothing has happened and seeing her realize you won't rise to her bait.

Find your way to the stately homes thread on the relationships board
its a pattern of behaviour

Well that's a good step forward - never let them in the house unless you're there.

Ignore the whole thing. Do not discuss it. Do not allow it to be discussed in her presence.