To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

I bought a 2 way pet cam pretty cheaply, get one and then shout at her through it next time she touches your stuff.

@StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips Genius!!!

Don't put your room back. Redirect some of that anger to your husband. He can tidy up and explain to his mum that due to her continued behaviour she is no longer welcome in your home. He can invite her out for lunch / coffee and suggest some voluntary work.
You disengage.

she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". That would have had me absolutely incandescent.

She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process) That would too.

*tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong" Pure manipulation.

text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" She knows very well that you are angry.

Putting a photo of herself in front of the one of your parents is not someone trying to help. It’s someone making a statement and marking territory in your house. She must have brought that photo over with the intention of doing that.

You and dh will just have to get very tough. Either she is not left unsupervised for a single second in your house, or she isn’t allowed through the door, even if that means excluding FIL. Ignore the whining and the scolding from her brothers. Say to her “No MIL, I am not going to let you do this again. You persistently do things we’ve told you not to do in OUR home. You have damaged things. Never again”. And stand firm against the whinging and tears. She’s crying only from self pity.

Have you posted before about her? There have been previous posts about a MIL feeding a dog things he isn’t meant to have, trying to make him like her.

People will snipe at you for being ungrateful, but they fail to understand that not listening to boundaries people set is one of the most disrespectful things you can do. It's a "I know better/I don't care about what you want" state of mind.

Sounds like she’s got plenty of time on her hands. Is she bored and lonely? But also manipulative, trying to stir things up.
your DH should be dealing with this, I’d not want her in my house.

Oh god I'd have to do like for like and rearrange some things at hers saying, oh I thought it was the done thing, Susan!

She’s playing an unconscious psychological game with you. Look up “I’m only trying to help you” (Berne/ TA) and the Drama Triangle, and you’ll see she’s getting a massive kick out of the circus she’s creating and the favourite role of Victim that it allows her to occupy. Refuse to step into the role of Persecutor. Being mad with her will only give her more of what she wants.

Clearly it is not your job to entertain her.
But I am suggesting that she is mentally ill. Nothing you have described is normal. How old is she? What does she do all day? Does she seem cognitively intact?
Not making any attempt to engage socially is not normal. And not able to go shopping on her own?
Where does her OH stand on all this? Is he a caring man, or does he just shrug his shoulders when she behaves like this?
I have a deep aversion to online mental health diagnoses, but this woman is not well and needs some help.

I wonder what prompted her to ask whether you are angry at her. Did FIL or DH tell her off already or does she intuitively know that she's been out of order?

I think this is your husbands issue. He was right there. The excuse of he was outside or on a work call so didn’t know, doesn’t cut it. What did he think she was doing. He clearly was aware. As was your fil and let her crack on.

to be honest though, I’d just leave her the ironing and let her clean. Get your husband to put any furniture back. Clean house, no effort for you.

She sounds horrifically controlling. I would never let her in the house unaccompanied again.

She’s looking for a reaction from you so I’d just ignore her.

She wants you to be the meanie poo so she can run off to her brothers (her defenders) to berate you for being a big meanie poopoo head to their little sister.

Its such childish behaviour so treat her as such, ignore bad behaviour, if she mentions it in front of you, no not mad just disappointed.

The fact she wants to help then also complains even if you give her jobs to do prove it’s for the being able to complain to her attention again.

Get DH to ring his uncles and say he's concerned that she's unwell because she can't understand the "no" that you've given her time and again. Explain that you're sooooo upset (don't say angry) because MIL has messed up your lounge. Get in there first as the victim!

^ i mean it's passive aggressive as fuck and won't resolve the drama. But at least it stops her getting to do her poor poor unappreciated me bit, which might change how things go...

I like the response by @GreyBlackLove.

This woman wants a fight. If you give her pity it doesn't work out like that.

My mum is like this and I think it's wonderful and I love her for it, kind, caring, generous, helpful and I'm very grateful.
If MIL was like this though I would feel very different she wouldn't stand a chance she'd be NC and banned forever.

Next time she is coming over give her a job to do. Save something up for this occasion.

Op tried that. Then she goes how she now has a bad back or sore knees or whatever for days after helping. Couldn’t make it up 😂

She knows perfectly well what she's done to annoy you, hence the barrage of texts.

Ignore the texts for at least a week.

How much unsupervised test me does she have in your house? How did she manage to move a whole lawn without you noticing? How does she get hold of your iron and washing pile?

I'd send her a text saying "Just for the record I'm not angry with you, I'm fucking furious with you. How dare you be so rude" and then block her.

or if you have emergency keys to her house, I'd bide my time and return the fucking compliment

Oh, just text her. Seriously: yes, I’m angry. So’s husband. You knew we would be and did it anyway. We’ve had enough of you doing this sort of thing. Neither of us has time to put the living room right but that’s what we’re going to have to do now. We won’t be talking to your brothers about this so there’s no point getting them to ring us. If you visit again, you can apologise, but it’s going to be a while before either of us feels like seeing you.

Get your husband onside so he won’t talk to his uncles or have her in the house for a while and then press send. Life is too short for her shite.

It's just annoying

Does she not have anything better to do?

And I'd post that to her, badly wrapped if it's got glass in the frame. No note.

The picture thing is horrible and petty, my MIL had form for this stuff. Not the tidying though….

I would absolutely be sending her a text. “Yes I am angry, it’s rude to behave like that in someone else’s house,please don’t tidy or rearrange my things ever again. “

Maybe conveniently arrange for a large load of laundry / washing up / bathroom dirt every time she comes round that she can help with.