To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

Edit: I like the idea so much, I'm going to pull it out

😂she may do it again -in which case, I'd just keep replacing her photo with the dog in various funny poses

I would be delighted if someone cleaned my living room, including a MIL.

She definitely sounds like a narcissist. I bet if you have a look online at the typical symptoms then all her weird behaviour will suddenly make sense! Basically, everything she does is about her and her feelings and she is incapable of empathy or putting herself in someone else’s shoes. They are also expert gas-lighters. You could even say to her “How would you feel if I did this in your home?” and she wouldn’t see the relevance! She’d probably reply with something like “Well my house is always tidy so you wouldn’t need to”. Oh and they often have a “golden child” (usually a son) who can do no wrong and therefore doesn’t see what a nightmare his mother is. Narcissists are infuriating but once you understand the pattern of their behaviour it allows you to see that it’s definitely them being unreasonable and not you.

No she is a textbook narcissist! Unless your comment was meant to be sarcastic then you have obviously never had to deal with the toxicity of a narcissist relative. Lucky you.

But if she had just said “oh sorry” she’d be criticised for being too superficial and that she didn’t really understand.
I’d be very careful listening to all this advice that she’s a narc. Lots of keyboard warriors out there and lots of people who have damaged relationships. She’s a busybody pure and simple, but that doesn’t make her bad to her very core. For goodness sake she’s apologised, what more does she have to do!!

How delighted would you feel about having your furniture rearranged to suit your MiL, your parents' photo replaced by one of DH & MiL, your dog being fed things that made it ill (despite being told not to), your clothes being ruined by MiL's ironing (despite being told not to iron anything).

Classic gaslighting! Please please please do some research into narcissism and you’ll see she is a textbook example. You’ve done nothing wrong and she has a mental illness that she will never ever acknowledge. You can’t reason with her, you just have to learn ways to “manage” her behaviour to minimise the impact it’s having on you. This might involve telling her a lot of white lies but believe me it’s necessary to retain your sanity because you can’t use normal reason or common sense with a narc.

There speaketh somebody who has dealt with a narc! I think you just described my mother! Don’t they just love to play the victim?

As frustrating as it is, this is your husband's mum. I am sure she means well and doesn't appreciate that you feel she is overstepping the mark. I would take a deep breath and let it go in the best interests of family relations.
PS, I would also respond to her text.
You may be MIL yourself one day and appreciate the difficulties of getting it right 👉

Have you read all the op's posts?

Seriously? The woman is rearranging OPs possessions in her own home. FFS

Yes

And cut her wild flower lawn because she didn't like it.

Totally.
I know the term ‘narcissist’ is very overused, but you are so right - text book stuff. Believe me, my mother was one and I recognise so much of this behaviour. This isn’t just an over enthusiastic, over helpful and keen individual. This is someone who just doesn’t, and won’t get normal reasoning and logic. Shes proven that by invading your space and taking over a role she wasn’t asked to. Most people know that is totally inappropriate and interfering. You can’t sit them down and have a chat about boundaries because narcs have no concept about boundaries and only see things from their angle - it’s part of the illness.

The only way to deal with it is either NC, which I appreciate you can’t go because she’s your DH’s mother, or only meeting on your terms on neutral ground where you’re in control of the scenario.

It took me years and years to realise that my mother’s ‘kindnesses’ as she called them, were actually controls and manipulations. I forgave her, excused her, felt guilty that I wasn’t grateful and let her back in repeatedly until it dawned on me she only did what suited her, and only on her terms. When I really needed a mother’s support in my life, she wasn’t interested because there was no obvious benefit or kudos for her. She couldn’t do ‘unconditional’ love and support - there were always strings attached.

Then your comprehension skills are lacking

It’s not particularly hard to get it right if you LISTEN and ACCEPT what you’re being told.

MIL is not a child. She knows exactly what she is doing. She was told not to do xyz by OP and by her son and all she had to do was listen to them and not do it.

If MIL really cared, she would stop! The onus isn’t on OP to pander to her and be accepting when she is doing harm and costing them time and money.

Bet if OP did the same thing as MIL, MIL wouldn’t be accepting whatsoever and make out what she does is not the same.

Spot on. That last paragraph broke my heart because I could have written it myself about my own mother!

Yup. And this reply of hers:

"Thank you. I didn't want to change anything, just help you. Thank you for getting in touch again. Thank you so much, I can sleep again. You two are the most important thing for us"

This is setting herself up to be able to ring her brothers and start off the conversation, 'I thought you'd want to know that, thank goodness, I shall be able to sleep again!'

'Why, Cissy? Whatever's happened?!'

'Well, it's a long story, but I cleaned for Sally like I thought she wanted and she was angry with me again, and I texted her and texted her and thank the lord she finally responded just as I was starting to sob my heart out wondering what I did wrong, and thank goodness she says she isn't quite so angry any more so I can at least sleep a little but I don't know what I did wrong, I only ever try to help, don't you think I only ever try to be helpful, Bert? As if I WANT Sally to be angry - I only ever want them to be happy and take a load off their shoulders ... <sobs>'

Ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

Without hi-hacking this thread too much . Have a read of this one. X

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4918259-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers-support-for-their-victims-thread-3?page=9

You may be MIL yourself one day and appreciate the difficulties of getting it right

Is that you MIL?

How can you tell someone NOT to do something and they CHOOSE to do the very thing they’ve been asked not do be ‘difficult’ to get right?

Someone cleaning / moving furniture etc causes OP hassle to moved it all back - it’s not a favour she wants - plus when does anyone move anyone’s else’s furniture about - fucking rude.

It's very easy to not go into someone else's home and rearrange their furniture,ruin their clothes and destroy their garden.

You may be MIL yourself one day and appreciate the difficulties of getting it right

haha! I did chuckle at this

Its hardly "difficult" to not do things that someone has politely asked you not to do is it?

Is it "difficult" not to feed the dog when asked not to and make him ill?
Is it "difficult" not to rip out your DILs wild garden when she said not to?
Is it "difficult" not to replace photos of you DIL's parents with one of your own?

Not doing those things is not "difficult" at all and if you would find them difficult not to do then maybe you should seek out a good therapist eh?

You may be MIL yourself one day and appreciate the difficulties of getting it right

People who mean well listen to what they're told. They might occasionally get it wrong but most people realise when someone means we'll and gets it wrong.

It's not well meaning or struggling to get it right when someone routinely ignores what they're told and goes rearranging someone's house.

"Thank you. I didn't want to change anything, just help you. Thank you for getting in touch again. Thank you so much, I can sleep again. You two are the most important thing for us"

Then why did she change things? It's BS. It's so BS it's makes no sense*. It was in her power NOT to change things, but she chose to change them.

*My fave Judge Judy quote: "That makes no sense. And if something makes no sense to me, it's usually because IT. IS. NOT. TRUE."

Oh, & bringing a photo of herself & your DH to your house & putting it in pride of place was helping you, was it?

-

This message from MIL riles me, as someone who's had several narc's in her life. Some of us narc survivors used to parse letters, emails, etc for each other - this is my go at MIL's text:

Thank you.
This is all about me. Thank you for replying. I don't care what you said & I'm not going to do what you ask. Just focus on me & we'll be fine.

I didn't want to change anything,
Nothing is my fault.

just help you.
'Help' is whatever I say it is. I define your world to suit my purposes. If I redefine my interference & PA damage as 'help', that makes me the good guy & you can't say anything without hurting me & looking like the bad guy, giving me the excuse to cry hot, bitter tears of anguish & go running to my brothers making drama drama drama - delicious! I win, either way! Say nothing & be under my thumb, squirming, or protest & I go off like a rocket.

Thank you for getting in touch again. Thank you so much, I can sleep again.
(Slaps back of hand to forehead, sinks slowly to the floor.) SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME? You ignored my goading texts, you heartles, heartless woman! Isn't it enough that you stole my son? You plunged a knife into my heart - must you twist it as well by not telling me how angry you are? Was all my effort moving that chair for nothing? And the picture - don't tell me you haven't even noticed the picture! That was a masterstroke, though I say it myself.

You two are the most important thing for us
So I'm allowed to do & say whatever I want, forevermore. You will never escape me MWAHAHAHAHA!

NB Nowhere does she actually address what OP wrote to her:

"You are welcome here, but please don't tidy up anything or move or furniture around while you are here, we have asked you many times not to clean or move things around in our house. When you ignore it, it crosses a line and shows a total disregard for our feelings and opinion. You know this. It causes unnecessary stress and our house is the way we like it. The fact that you've sent me multiple messages to check if I'm "angry" shows that you know you've overstepped the mark. I am not angry. We know you mean well. But you need to stop this."

What might an apology look like? Something like this:
Dear DIL, Thank you for explaining to me. I now understand why things I've done have upset you. I'm truly sorry that I upset you & now that I understand, I won't do those things again.

Ha! Fat chance with a narc.

The fact that she said are you cross with me, shows that she knows she’s in the wrong. And the more that she has to do is stop bloody well interfering. I had one like this drove me insane, in the end my husband used to go and see her on his own, and the last words I heard her say were “ who is that lady”, when we went to visit.