To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

"I can sleep again now". LOL. A textbook example of narcissism at its finest.

Will be interesting to see what happens when you thwart her ability to "help" by making sure she is never alone in the house. The narc in my life used to fake illness a lot, maybe she will try that.

She's not 95 ffs.

It’s not normal or regular behaviour to let yourself into someone else’s sanctuary without invitation - whether to clean, move furniture or feed the pets.

I’m not sure why people can’t see this and are making excuses for it.

This has been sorted out upthread, quite amicably.

We know you mean well.

Why did you wow that OP? She didn't mean well, she deliberately trampled over your boundaries.

My mother is like this and will never change. I tried and tried. Truth is, it doesn't really bother me now, though the lectures of why she needed to 'help' get old, fast.

I'd not lose sleep over it though I do like the suggestions to re-arrange her house!

She could try not fucking around with other people's stuff.

That might help.

Start with the TV remotes (better yet, take one of the batteries out or flip them around in the remote so they look like they are in right, but they aren't).

Then move her books, and cushions, especially if she has a favourite one. Something I heard on WILTY on telly was in the Coren-Mitchell household one of them moves the bookmarks either forward a few pages or back a few pages so that they either get confused with the storyline & have to go back a few pages to re-read it or they end up reading the same passages multiple times.

Don't let her away with it.

You know when you do something someone doesn't like, and they tell you they don't like it, you know how to show you are actually sorry?

You don't pull the same shit again and again and say oops sorry oops sorry oops sorry each time.

My mother had a thing about the fact that I arranged my cutlery drawer 'wrong' (so not exactly replicating the way she has hers).

Every time she came to my place, within a very short while of arriving, she'd go and rearrange it, then telling me very proudly and sternly, that she'd 'fixed' it for me. No matter how many times I told her I liked it the way I had it, and to please stop.

Right up until the day that I arrived at her place, gave her a hug and a 'hi Mum', and marched straight through to the kitchen, and her bloody cutlery drawer, rearranged it my way, with her looking on aghast (and amazingly, speechless!), and then said, 'there, I've fixed it for you'.

Never happened again. . .

Well give her a chance to do so! For a society that’s always banging on about “being kind” there’s no chance of forgiveness!
I know so many families where they have nothing to do with their parents and not because of neglect or abuse, but because they’re busybodies and have overstepped “boundaries “. Be cross , fine, have a moan, but don’t destroy a relationship and deprive children of their grandparents.
The OP has said she’s not going to do this as MIL is her husband’s mother, yet there are so many people on here trying to persuade her to do the opposite. The MIL is at fault for interfering, but these posters are just as bad trying to manipulate OP to be really cruel

That was a good message and predictable response. You know the apology is nonsense, given she deliberately brought the photograph and would now be on at least her 3rd or 4th chance but you clearly have experience of how quickly your MIL would escalate things.

Easy solution to this,the mil could just visit like a normal person and stop fucking about in op home and if dh brothers don't like it...tough tittie.and tell them straight as well.

Absolutely, but still not bad enough to be labelled a narc ( awful word)

OP says she's been giving her chances for years. Years.

If someone kept doing stuff in your own house that you had explicitly asked them not to, for years, how many further "chances" do you envision it will take to change things?

Rainydayinlondon
Well give her a chance to do so! For a society that’s always banging on about “being kind” there’s no chance of forgiveness!

How many chances has she got to be given before she is deemed to be an incurable liar and total PITA who cannot be trusted alone in OP's house or with any of OP's possessions? If this were the first time, maybe OP's could be thought an over-reaction, but it has been going on for "a few years".

Forgiveness, like respect, has to be earned. Merely saying "Oh, I'm sorry" (which in spite of your asserting "For goodness sake she’s apologised, what more does she have to do!!" you might notice MiL has not actually said in her text replying to the OP's: there is no apology in it) doesn't cut it. Deeds speak louder than words; leaving the OP's house and garden in the state in which she found them, at least as many times as the number of years during which she has been fucking them up, might be a start. A provisional start. Not one to be taken for granted.

But if she had just said “oh sorry” she’d be criticised for being too superficial and that she didn’t really understand.

Perhaps she could try "oh sorry" and then stop doing it.

Or "Oh sorry" at all. She hasn't said that yet, has she.

OP, I feel for you, but I think Comms has nailed it.
Sending your MIL the long text in reply has simply brought her (and you) back into her game.
See what she achieved in her reply? A new, more worrying narrative.
Believe me, should (i.e. when) you confront her again, she will reinvent the wheel, and use your most reply as the starting point from which to berate you.
"But I thought we understood each other", " you wanted me to still come round", "I'm not a mind reader" etc.
The bottom line is that she has absolutely zero respect or care for you. You exist, in her world, as a barrier to her controlling her son.
I think you and your husband have to decide what your breaking point is.
She has calculated that you will both give in, try to be "nice" and "reasonable".
It won't work.
If I were you, I would simply never answer the door to her or FIL if he is with her, screen all calls and keep the recordings, ditto with her brothers, and your husband can only see her in his own time and never in your house/on your doorstep.

It sounds like she's had plenty of chances.

Old dog,new tricks etc.

Suggest she gets a job as a cleaner if she’s so concerned about other people’s tidiness and obviously enjoys it!

You need to guard your house and garden with your LIFE don’t let her be there alone and tell her to stop if she starts doing anything. The cheek!!!

This is why my dp has gone nc with his mother she even sent a message today playing the victim because he’d not been in touch for Mother’s Day but the last time she came to the house she soaked our new wooden floors, put the children’s water bottles in the dishwasher (melting them) as well as facing all the knifed upwards, moved my bathroom clothes into the kitchen so I had to bin them all as I didn’t know which ones had touched the toilet and told my dp that we shouldn’t have had children.

All that in one visit?😱

And STILL, someone will be along in a minute to tell you DH has only got one Mum & she'll be gone soon so you've done the wrong thing.

When my rellies used to try the 'she's an old woman & she might not be here next Christmas' line on me, I wanted to say, "If you promise me she'll be dead next year, I'll see her this Christmas," & if they protested I was being heartless, my follow-up line was going to be, "You're the one imagining her being dead." Sadly, I never had the nerve.

She does sound way ott, but a more gentle approach would probably be better in the long run.

Perhaps focus on the positive, she saved you a job and probably means well overall. Thank her for the cleaning but say next time could you please..... etc.

It's not worth falling out over something that could be made better with a more gentle approach.