To be furious at my MIL for cleaning our living room

[GelatinousDynamo]

My MIL and I do not have the easiest relationship, I find her overbearing and "helpful" in a way that totally irritates me. She does whatever she wants and expects to be thanked for it.

It happened again today- FIL wanted to come over to borrow some tools and look at the garage roof with DH (they live about an hour's drive away). She called DH yesterday that she's coming along and will help clean and iron his shirts (he's in his 40s ffs, he's perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts). DH told her that she's welcome to come over, but she won't be cleaning. What happened? While my husband was outside with FIL and on a work call, she "tidied up" our living room. Ultimately, this means that it looks like a tornado swept through it. NOTHING is where it should be, even the furniture has been moved (eg the armchair for "better afternoon light", apparently).

This is not the first time and we've been turning down her "help" for years. Politely at first, then with a categorical no. She used to listen, but since we got married and bought a house, it's like she doesn't give a shit anymore, just comes over and does what she wants. Examples: last summer, she mowed my wildflower meadow in the front garden, because "you don't want those ugly weeds in front". She knew that it was supposed to stay, but she didn't like it, we would not bend when she complained about it being ugly, so she went and killed it. Just before Christmas, she " organised" our kitchen drawers and cupboards. She has form for ironing my clothes (destroying them in the process). Each and every time she's been told not to beforehand.

Every such incident is followed by a conversation with DH and (sometimes) FIL. Every such conversation ends in tears and with statements like "but I only want to help" and "I didn't want to do anything wrong". If DH is really angry (like when she secretly fed our dog to make him like her), it's "but I just want to feel needed". She then tells her sob story to her brothers, who then call my husband complaining that he's not treating his mother right (we're talking about people in their late 60s).

Today, as I came home from work, she welcomed me with "I hope you're not angry with me". I said nothing. They were already leaving as I came in. I'm fucking FURIOUS. I have better things to do than arrange my living room back to the way it should be. Now she's blasting me with text messages all saying "I hope you're not angry with me" and "I've just tidied up a bit". I've ignored her so far, don't even know what I should answer so it it doesn't turn into a huge drama with her in the leading role of Victim. She still doesn't understand that she did something wrong, it's like talking to a teenager.

You need to stand your ground with her and tell her to back off!

That's so sweet of you to think that.

You have obviously never encountered someone like this.

Telling them would (from my experience)cause a huge meltdown of how she always gets things wrong and she is only trying to help.

THen phone calls from the brothers saying how upset she is and how dare you treat her like that.

You need to set boundaries with your husband. MIL is his guest. He is responsible for all hosting related to MIL. Because she isn’t capable of being in your home unsupervised, he must supervise her and prevent her from “helping out” in your home. If he isn’t willing or able to supervise and stop MIL, then she can’t visit. If he and FIL have work to do, they need to take MIL with them or don’t bring her over to begin with.

It doesn’t matter if MIL is mentally unwell, it isn’t your problem. I believe MIL does this stuff as a way to “mark her territory”. She considers herself as the authority of anything related to her family. She rearranges your home because she believes she has authority over anything having to do with your husband. As the ultimate authority, her way of doing things is best and everyone needs to let her make everything her way. I wonder if the clothes she ruined are things she didn’t like to begin with. In a round about way, she is also trying to show your husband that her way is better than yours.

I have both relatives and in-laws like MIL. I had to take a keys away from relatives because they would let themselves into my home while I was at work and replace my decor, clothing and food with things they liked because they believed their choices were better than mine. When I worked the overnight shift, my MIL would show up at my house while I was sleeping to “show me the best way to clean and cook”. Then she would complain to my DH that I was lazy for sleeping while he was at work and ungrateful for not taking her instruction. She also frequently gifted us decor items that were not even close to our taste and sometimes even stuff we specifically said we don’t like. The final straw was when she let herself into our back garden and spread an entire xl bag of cat food across the yard. When we let our dogs out in the garden the next day, not knowing about the cat food, they ate the food and were ill for days. She believed the cat food was better than the fresh food I made our dogs from recipes provided by our veterinarian.

Why do PIL come around when DH is WFH??

They are only welcome when he isn't working and can supervise. It does mean whatever DIY help FIL gives won't be able to happen anymore.

She's missing her ewelamb and can't let go.

Yes, she sounds unwell or very insecure and needy. Make a list of jobs, such as cleaning the gutters, washing out the wheelie bins, cleaning outside windows, cleaning the oven or anything which you hate doing yourself, just to keep her busy but also make her feel needed. She obviously has too much energy so put it to good use. Sadly she may need to be supervised to stop her wandering off course! As well as bizarre, her behaviour is just rude.

I've never had a parent or parent-in-law come round to help because they always lived too far away. And even if they hadn't, we're perfectly capable of doing things for ourselves, just like they were. Hth.

I would love a FIL to come and help with the garage roof and MIL tidy up

Er....thats not what she was doing though was it? she ruined OP's garden, made her dog ill, and replaced family photos with photos of herself. Would you have enjoyed your FIL doing that?

If she was really trying to help she would listen to her son and DIL and not think she knows best when it comes to other people’s property. Did you even read what she did to their dogs?

The excuses and emotional manipulation made on these threads for family members is sad, especially when posters didn’t read the OP’s posts or didn’t read them properly.

I have.
My mother in law tried shit like this once. Once only. She got told in no uncertain terms where to go.
My own mother tried the same and she got told where to get off too.
No one interferes with my household or how I run it.
As for my husband's brother's and sisters, I don't give a shit what they have to say about it, they don't mean anything to me.
Rather than complain about how people are treating you, do something about it right from the very start.

@GelatinousDynamo did you reply to her later?

Yes, I kept it short and used some phrases PP have posted here.
"You are welcome here, but please don't tidy up anything or move or furniture around while you are here, we have asked you many times not to clean or move things around in our house. When you ignore it, it crosses a line and shows a total disregard for our feelings and opinion. You know this. It causes unnecessary stress and our house is the way we like it. The fact that you've sent me multiple messages to check if I'm "angry" shows that you know you've overstepped the mark. I am not angry. We know you mean well. But you need to stop this."

Her reply was:
"Thank you. I didn't want to change anything, just help you. Thank you for getting in touch again. Thank you so much, I can sleep again. You two are the most important thing for us."

... Which is seriously both a lie, as well as pathetic and a bit sad. Also, unhinged and a bit scary, to be told you're practically her entire life focus.

We'll leave it at that and see where it goes.

Jesus. Well I don't reckon it's over, but you will just get some other problems later.

Well done @GelatinousDynamo for a calm, assertive and clear message - wishing you all the best that she stops the pushy behaviour !

She is in denial, (and possibly has an untreated psychological disorder?) so in the circumstances that is the only reply you were going to get.

However, you have set a clear boundary in writing. At least that is something you can refer back to if it happens again.

Yes I meant to say well done but the faux cringe response suggests she is just worried she looks bad. Anyway, you have her measure so well handled.

Oh please do this op. 🤪

Well done for standing your ground.💪

Classic narcissist reply from her, “You two are the most important thing to us” My NPD mother used this sort of response when she had pushed it too far with me. Just a little guilt tripping reminder from her that, “I do these things because I love and care about you” and a way of reeling you into her little games again.

Sorry to sound so cynical, but I’ve seen every facet of this kind of personality being played. It’s all about them and their feelings and if you try to very reasonably stand your ground and set boundaries, you become the ungrateful baddie. Narcs are just brilliant at convincing those on the outside that they’re totally philanthropic and self sacrificing when it’s actually all about manipulating situations so they always come out looking like the hero/victim/virtuous one (delete as appropriate)

I love this 😆 🤣 😂

Rearranging her house - as well as being a waste of your time - just makes it seem as if that behaviour can be excused. And is inconsistent with the message you sent her. Better to suggest she finds something else to do (if you have to say anything).

By the way, I've made no mention of the picture - let her sweat about that a little, sitting there and wondering if I've noticed 😈

You need to find a way to talk to her. Try seeing it (as unreasonable as it all seems) from her (warped) perspective- I.e. ‘I understand that you’re just trying to help’ - but tell her that she’s having unintended consequences - i.e. you have to rearrange the living room again and you are tired and don’t have time - and how that makes you feel - I.e. ‘the wildflower meadow wasn’t weeds. It was intentional and our garden and we felt undermined in our own home by that’. Then finish with illustrating how the future will play out if she continues- I.e. ‘if you keep undermining us, as much as you feel you are trying to help, our relationship is going to break down and we will stop inviting you to our house, which would be sad for all of us’ (just lie).

Maybe try drawing boundaries (if you want some free cleaning) - I.e. if you really feel the need to clean, then dusting, hoovering is fine, but please you need to not rearrange our furniture, throw things out, etc.

You won’t get through to her getting annoyed - it sounds like she gets some satisfaction from that and having the ‘upper hand’ as she sees it. Also, use ‘we’ to include how your husband feels - you’re more likely to get through to her if it’s between her and her son…like so many daft MIL’s she likely doesn’t really care if she hurts your feelings. Good luck, she sounds like a pain in the arse.

😂this is genius

I'd have some fun with this. Photoshop her out of the photo (take a screen shot of it and then photoshop) so it's just your DH, or even better, photoshop a photo of the dog in her place.

She cant say a thing about it without admitting what she did. See if SHE notices the next time she comes round 😂If she says anything say "sorry, I don't know what on earth you mean?- it has always been like that, are you sure you're ok?"

I already threw out the photo frame, but replacing it with a picture of the dog is genius 😂

Edit: I like the idea so much, I'm going to pull it out