To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Oh and also I’ve noticed that often the people who talk about potty training at 18 months or similar, usually don’t mention that they took multiple changes of clothes anywhere they went, or carried a potty around with them everywhere because their child absolutely couldn’t wait to go when they needed to - to me that’s not being toilet trained. They need to be able to recognise the sensation of needing to go AND be able recognise it in time to be able to hold it until they get to a toilet.

He has done well with wees but he never says he wants to go and he never tries to go himself. If you don’t take him he just wets himself. I am not sure what to do about this.

Does he come to you when wet?

Sometimes. And say I’m wet. But other times he says nothing. Depends on how big the wee is I think.

But I got so angry then through sheer frustration. - easily done. I think you are very wise to let it lie for a while - you can see that it is making you irritable, and know this is not ideal. Well done for trying, but I think the subject needs to be dropped for the time being.

I understand the frustration - one of mine started soiling at about age 4 - it happened out of the blue. I felt so cross as she knew darn well what to do, having been trained for about 2 years. I stood back and recognised that I found it to anger-inducing (not in front of the child) that my OH and I agreed that he would handle the "accidents." We actually solved it by giving more exclusive general attention to her and it settled.

When you return to it, do not underestimate the value of bribery! A jelly tot for a successful trip to the potty can work wonders - it helps to override the nuisance of having to stop your game and trek to the pot!

He doesn’t really get bribery. Which is what maybe makes me think he might have some additional needs. But perhaps not.

Then he doesn't really have the understanding for potty training. Try 2 hour intervals. And also ask him sit down so he can also poop if needed. I got my son to stand at first but now he always sits and it cut down on accidents.

@Comeandeat you sound thoroughly fed up. Sending much sympathy. Let it go for a while. You cant keep going the way you are - pause, reset and then tackle it again when you've restored your equilibrium

@MamaSnaill my mum
Was a primary school teacher. She said the same.

If he has sen then all potty training advice is pointless. He'll do it a different way and no bribery, stickers high fives will make it any easier.

Well he won’t be entering the doors or any school for some time will he?

There is no logic to the longer you leave it the more attached they get to their nappies. Where are all the 6 year olds still in nappies who have lazy parents and became too attached? Teenagers? Adults? No, the vast majority want to and can do it by the time they are 4 (and some of them when they are 2) despite what we do.

Potty training is awful - you do have to ho through it though.

Take him to the GP to check there's nothing physically wrong with him. If all clear, calmly explain that there's no reason he can't do it, and start again.

If you're mental health is affected that badly by potty training, have you considered taking some anti-anxiety medication? Harsh as it sounds, children do still need looking after (including things like potty training), even if the adult is finding it tough.

Is it worth checking with GP isn’t constipated … very common in kids this age… sometimes can feel poo lower left hand side tummy.
If constipated the bowel gets overstretched and they loose the sensation needing to go.
Be kind to yourself… kids are hard.

Hi @Comeandeat,
I have two children, DS1 has additional needs and it took us around 2.5yrs to fully toilet train him whereas DS2 it was a few weeks. I get it’s draining and frustrating I really really do but I think you need to keep going. Put him in a pull up and start by taking him to the toilet/potty at regular times throughout the day, if he has an accident in the pull up no bother stay neutral about it and just pop a clean one on. Then you can move on on putting a sheet of tissue in the pull up and checking regularly to see how often he is going/how long he can hold it (ideally do this for a few days keeping a log so you can spot the pattern). Then once you’ve worked out how long he can go before needing the toilet you can move on to timed toileting so you take him to the toilet then time from the last wee until when you think he next needs to go. Him initiating will come in time don’t worry about that just yet! There’s lots of useful advice on the ERIC website and your health visitor should be able to give advice too. Toms toilet triumph is a good video on YouTube to watch with your DS. Good luck it’s a marathon for some of us not a race! x

I think you would have got very different responses if you had explained more in your OP. You’ve managed to train him to wee in a toilet, well done. It’s the poos that are the problem. My DD1 was exactly the same. She had chronic constipation and was still having little accidents well in juniors. She was diagnosed with ASD at the age of 8 and it does seem common with ND. To start with she probably wasn’t getting the messages that she needed to go and then constipation built up.

I didn’t have the option to pull her out of nursery because I worked but I never felt judged by the staff. DD always had loads of friends and she was never aware of bullying or comments from anyone. It was extremely exhausting to deal with. We cracked it with movicol in the end. She still gets constipation on holiday and when stressed out, but as a teenager now she knows how to manage it before it gets too serious.

Sorry op, but I think you’re being a bit pathetic. Saying that failing to potty train for a few months has broken you. Seriously, there will be many, many harder things to deal with as your child grows up. I do have sympathy for you as I also had a child who was very difficult to potty train, but you’d be doing yourself a massive favour if you’re able to do something for yourself to build up your resilience.

I disagree. He wets himself if you don’t take him or tell him to go to the toilet. That’s not really training.

I am pathetic. Complete piece of shit. I know. But that’s not what I’m asking about. Fucking useless shit I am I do know that you don’t need to tell me.

I'm sorry to see you say you'll take your son out of preschool. I really think the teachers won't be judging either of you. They will be used to dealing with kids learning at different ages. I know there was another girl at DDs preschool still struggling at 4 despite parents and teachers working together, so I'm sure it's not that uncommon. My DD was over 3 when she learned. I wouldn't have dreamed of taking her out of preschool though, and the teachers were happy to work with us and try whatever approach we wanted.

Please don't take him out of preschool for this reason. Ignore people on here saying 3 is old. Kids learn at different ages!

OP would you have given up if after 4 months of weaning you child still couldn't feed themself or use a knife or fork? I suspect not. Will you give up after 4 months if they can't read War and Peace? I suspect not.

Toilet training is no different. It is a skill that your child has to learn and this is done with routine and consistency and by taking responsibility for reminding your child and taking them to the toilet at regular intervals throughout the day. It is no one else's responsibility but your own and your child's father. You cannot expect anyone else to do this for you.

And I say this all as a parent of a child who has a chronic bowel condition who at nearly 6yrs.old is still doubly incontinent. I am currently doing toilet training with my two yr old and over the past 3 weeks we have been on him every hour to take him to the toilet and do a wee. These things take time...for some kids it's longer than others

The thread is full of teachers and the relatives of teachers judging.

I really think it’s best we just have a break from everything.

Stop and let him try when he’s ready. He’s still small.

Also, I haven’t RTFT but I’m imagining you’ve probably had lots of weird judgment.
As a mum of a few children they are not all the same.

I am guessing you think you are funny but it goes without saying that these are not examples that work. A child who can’t use a knife and fork uses their fingers. A child who can’t use a toilet uses their pants. There is very little difference between him using a nappy and pants at this stage. But one is less laundry.