To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

I don’t know why you are getting such a hard time. Your child is still quite young and clearly not ready, so pants are not a good idea. I would stick to pull-ups but keep taking him to the toilet every 90 mins or so. Can you reenrol in pre school ? It’s so beneficial.

My son is now 7 and he still doesn’t get the sensation of needing to wee until the very last moment, so he still has the very occasional accident. He was difficult
to potty train too, though more for wees.

Don’t shut him away that’s not what’s best for him. He does need to socialise and make friends. The other parents probably won’t even realise or care he’s in a nappy.

Thanks @x2boys . I’m just worried he’ll be bullied or be known as the smelly / dirty one. Easier to give it a break for a while.

@Comeandeat your post has really resonated with me, this was us two years back. My dd really wasn't too interested in toilet training at 3 and we tried a couple of times but taking them to the loo every hour is not them learning about the feeling you get when you need the loo. We stopped and waiting for her. One morning she woke and just decided she wanted to us the loo. The only things we had done was let her watch us on the loo (she followed us anyway 🤣) and talked to her about how we use the toilet and when she us ready she will be able to wear big girl princess pants which we bought ready.

I think pre school often want them "trained" already (not keen on that word) which is quite a pressure as a lot of kids aren't ready at 3 despite what people will tell you (my mil told me my dh was trained at 18 months and then in the next breath how she would take several clothing changes everywhere with her!). If you can find a day nursery they are normally a lot better with helping with this sort of thing and you should get so many free hours.

My dd is still wet at night (5.5) I have no intention of trying to "train" her for this either as I don't believe you can, my son became dry naturally at night. Trying to force these things is just unnecessary stress Imo

You sound like lovely caring mum who wants everyone at home to be happy. If you get a year down the line and school is on the horizon obviously you may want to start more of a push but I think you have the right idea easing off. People don't want to soil themselves, how many neurotypical people do that? It will come when it's ready

Honestly I would far rather he stayed with me. They’ve probably been disgusted with me and him for months.

I spoke to my health visitor about my dd and she said they wouldn't investigate anything until 5 so you might be told the same. I was all geared up to be phoning the doctor the day of her 5th birthday but it just seems to click just weeks before she turned 5

My son was 3 until 3 months before he started reception.

You can expect what you want but if he's not getting it he's not getting it 🙄

I wouldn’t assume for a minute you’re being lazy. Some children are slower to “get” potty training than others. Some are stubborn. Some are scared to poo anywhere but a nappy (my nephew had to have a nappy put on for poos for months after he was dry, and he’s not the only one I know like that). It can also really get you down when you feel your parenting is being judged. I would be interested to see whether you think he’s meeting milestones in other areas, especially around speech and interactions with others.

Has he ever taken himself off for a wee or does he only wee in a toilet when prompted?

Also, have you had a look on ERIC about chronic constipation? If he is constipated, and it’s not unusual in young children, then he may well not be able to feel when he needs to go and the newer stool can (sorry, bit gross) leak round the older stool. That’s what happened to my child - he started withholding poo and then we ended up in a dreadful cycle of soiling.

Maybe worth a try though? For a couple of days? He might surprise you once the reality of actually having mess on himself kicks in.

I know how you feel, I was so deflated as nothing was working. It makes you feel like a shit parent.

I’d go to the charity shop with him and let him pick some pretty dresses he likes, and tell him he’s going to wear these special princess dresses and they’ll help him learn to use the potty. Make it fun and special for him. If it doesn’t work, leave it for another month or two and try again.

I don't think people would think you're lazy, except on mumsnet where empathy levels are quite low. The nursery staff will have seen lots of children like yours. There were loads of 3 year olds having many accidents a day at my daughter's nursery. Some still have a few accidents a week at school!

It's no failure on your part and you need to understand that. It's about how the bladder and anal muscles connect to the brain. There's a level of maturity involved too - mine at around 3.5 became much more socially aware and found the accidents very upsetting. Your DS giggling and running away may be a sign he could be embarrassed and doesn't want you to know he's spoiled himself. Either that or he still lacks the maturity to understand there's poo in his pants. Both scenarios are fine.

Please ignore the horrible posters and listen to the sensible ones!

Thanks @Cornishbelle . Preschool was purely supposed to be about making some friends locally before he starts school. But it is a tiny school and small area, I don’t want him being known as the boy who poos his pants

I guess I just assumed he’d get it. But I’m now not so sure!

Thanks @Delphina17 . I think he is embarrassed it’s just so so horrible to deal with. And it really gets me worked up and upset too.

Right?And this is relevant how?
The Op,s child is three years and two months which means he won't be starting school for another 18,months

We aren’t going to be wearing dresses. I think this would affect him negatively at this age to be honest. It shouldn’t of course but it will.

If I was going to try this I’d try without trousers or pants but he just starts doing embarrassing things so no.

Why would wearing dresses affect him negatively?

I suspect there may be some constipation there but it’s hard dealing with that too!

Some posters have been spectacularly unhelpful and unkind OP, please don’t take it to heart. Definitely stop for now, he will get there but forcing it is obviously not working at the moment. I have 3 children and following their lead is absolutely what has worked for us. My eldest was similar to your DS, we kept the pull ups for ages and would use them like pants - so he’d still wee in the toilet when prompted. He was about 3y 10m when we tried again properly after a disastrous attempt a few months before. He got it that day, we didn’t look back and he has never had an accident. Yes he was late compared to many of his peers, but it was such an easy process in the end and was so much better for my mental health and our relationship to wait until he was actually ready.

Anecdotally, he’s now 8 and I’d say he has more awareness/control over his toileting needs than many of his friends who were ‘trained’ by being taken to the toilet every hour etc. He goes when he needs to go, whereas I’ve noticed with many of my friends’ children (when we go on days out etc) they constantly go to the toilet, as though it’s been drilled into them just to go ‘in case’ rather than because they actually need it. And most of them had accidents at school when they were in reception (which DS never did) - so toilet training early is no guarantee that a teacher won’t be cleaning them up at some point!

I threw all the books away because they made me feel so rubbish, and with my second child I just totally followed her lead and again, no accidents, and she was totally in pants just before she turned 3. At some point they just get it, and are aware of the sensation of needing to go. DC3 is still in nappies at 2.5 and I have no intention of forcing him out of them until he’s ready. These things feel like such a big deal in the moment, and they are - but in the grand scheme of life, once your child is over about 4, no one asks or cares when they toilet trained. All children are different. Give yourself and him a break, and good luck!

My three year old was the same . Constant accidents . At preschool he rarely had accidents ( 3 hour days ) so knew he had it in him hence the frustrations. It’s early days so I don’t wanna get too excited but outta nowhere he suddenly decided he’s a “big boy” and stopped having accidents. It happened suddenly. This was about a month ago. He’s 3 years 4 months.

Were the other way round with wees anyway … poo is just a no go.

Don’t be ridiculous! Withdrawing him from preschool because of what you think others will think!

heard it all now.

i work in early years

4 years ago we had 2 ASN children in nappies, this year we have 16 children above the age of 3 in nappies, 3 of those ASN. Not sure why the sudden increase however we have a few that pee no bother if reminded but will not Poo in the toilet, we don’t judge, we encourage, support and do what’s needed to be done.

If he's constipated ask the GP for movicol it works really well and will keep his poo soft so easy to pass

Oh dear, I had a reluctant potty-trainer too, so I do understand how disheartening it can be. It was my least favourite part of parenting by a long way!

He does need to be fully toilet trained by the time he goes to school though. And while you do still have plenty of time, the longer he is in nappies for, the more attached to his nappies he will get. This was the mistake I made with my DD, and she became very fearful about weeing/pooing without a nappy. It sounds as if he's nearly toilet trained with the weeing and you just need to keep reminding him for now, but do you think he might be afraid to poo on the potty/toilet? Has he shown any signs of fear around it?

Keep him in pre-school if you can - there will be other three-year-olds there who are still in nappies, and it's good for him. Good for you to have a break, too.

So then he doesn’t go to school @PuppetQueen . It’s not until September 25 so hopefully somethings happened before then if not he isn’t school age until December and then if still not we’ll make a decision … I really don’t care.

If he might have sen then it's totally different. I started potty training my son just a bit younger than yours and it took a long time. I would take him at intervals make sure he sat on the potty 30 minutes after meals etc. It takes time and it's so stressful. He was taking his nappies off at 2.5 so I had to do something but i can tell you that it took more than a year for him to fully get it. And even now at 5 when he's distracted I have to ask him or more likely tell him to go.