To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Ffs! A mother opting out of parenting.

In the summer one week nopants
Expect accidents , mop ready
Stay at home
Lots of praise when goes on potty toilet

OP you're getting a hard time but I'm with you.

My son point blank refused to use the potty or toilet. Screamed and fought if I tried to sit him on either . So I waited. Yes people commented. I don't care. He's my son, I will take my own approach. And I know him better than anyway. Just before he turned 4 I felt it was time, but it was still a battle. Now 3 months in he will only pee in his own potty, no where else, so we bring that potty out with us. It's fine for now. He is able.to hold it in for hours so it's psychological, so o want to take it easy and not create issues for later.

Poos he still struggles with, and usually holds it until bedtime when he can do it in a nappy. We've got 6onths til he starts school so I'm not rushing.

It's easy to say waiting it lazy parenting, but in previous generations people did it early because they didn't want to wash filthy nappies for years - not any less lazy really. Look after your mental health and don't feel pressured. In yours to come it really won't matter if he potty trained at 3¼ or 3¾

I’m not in a very good place. And I was multi tasking. Try again. What do you want from me?

Ps. Here is what did for both of my boys ?4&6) Don't think I really followed a method.

• naked from waist down for three days, watched like a hawk. Offered high up oxo potty for my first son (traditional potties are generally too low , uncomfortable and difficult to get on and off of) and toilet for my second at regular intervals, there were quite a few accidents. First son very motivated by food so would do almost anything for a bit of fuss and a chocolate button so was very easy in that sense, for poos we gave a small dinosaur and he was elated. Second son got wees after a time, but couldn't give a shit about chocolate buttons, poos were much harder for him and we had to make him loose using prune pouches and orange juice because he was scared to go, but he got it in about 4-6 weeks, though it was a challenge.
• We then moved on to just pants for three days, same principals, before we braved going out!
• When we got them dressed, we made sure both pants and trousers were loose fitting, first son struggled with the pulling up after.

Second son no issues with that.

Both dry during day, first son was dry by 2.5 day and night, second son is dry in day but still has accidents overnight on occasion (I hear it's a hormonal thing - we have lots of sheets!)

Hope this helps x

We never made a big thing of accidents, just cleaned up and moved on.

What have you tried already otherwise any help we could offer is just a stab in the dark.

Why do you think he has additional needs. Knowing why you think he might have additional needs will allow people to offer advice from how they've handled potty training children who were similar.

If you want actual help from either MNetters or professionals this is the minimum information you'll need to give to actually get useful advice.

I remember this well. It’s all very well people telling you he can learn and to keep trying but it is soul destroying when they just don’t care/understand. We got there in the end but it was a change in DS not us changing our method. Everyone gets it eventually.

I think what helped was spending time naked in the garden (so in the summer) as things become more obvious to the child and also just saying things along the lines of - ‘one day you will do all your wees and poos in the toilet and be grown up’ in conversation maybe whilst nappy changing which I hoped made them want to do it.

I had two children like this and I am afraid that once they got it we still had a good six moths of accidents. My other DC trained at just over two years (still with the six months of accidents) but then was in nappies at night for longer. They are all different. Accidents are fundamentally different from not getting it at all and so much easier to cope with. Those whose children trained in a few weeks with consistent training just don’t understand.

So, I can see I’m getting a lot of negative press for want of a better word on this thread.

We started last summer when he was two and a half. I was on maternity leave but it was 3 weeks until my due date so thought it seemed a good time. It didn’t work at all, he just weed and pooed on the floor and found it funny. (That was the oh crap method, I really really don’t like it.)

So then I had the baby so obviously not a good time. Tried again in November when he was 2 years 11 months. And like I’ve said, he wees on the toilet fine but it’s always prompted by me or someone else. He never shows or says a desire to go. So if you leave it too long he just wets himself. Obviously in school his teachers won’t tell him to go so he’ll just wet himself there.

Poo is very difficult. He has never had a poo in a toilet just does it in his pants and cleaning him after it is very difficult.

I have decided to withdraw him from preschool anyway. So that’s not a problem.

Such as ?what signs are there?
Have you spoken to the health visitor about your concerns?

Why do you think he has special needs (ignoring potty training)?

Accidents are fundamentally different from not getting it at all and so much easier to cope with I feel like this is the only post that understands really.

I don’t. I don’t know, I’m not an expert, but it does seem like other kids seem to get it and he doesn’t so probably.

Try not to let it stress you out, I know that's challenging especially when other parents around you are through this stage. It also doesn't help when posters on this thread are snotty and even harsh to you about it. The OP knows she needs to sort it and wants to, being a cow to her is really unhelpful.

My youngest DS was 3 years 5 months when he quit nappies. I ignored what everyone else was doing thankfully, as one of my little mum group tried potty training from under 1 yo so I saw a great deal of people's DC with shit dribbling down their legs as they all started 'competing'.

We went from nappies to pants in 2 weeks and after that there were no accidents at all, not a wet bed or anything and its perhaps because we did it later and tried to make it fun and happy rather than a battle. All DC are different, it isn't a race, and shouting or forcing them doesn't help them or you, everyone ends up frazzled and covered in urine. The first thing we did with DC was spend time with another family who had a slightly older boy, after seeing the other boy standing on a box aiming into a loo to wee and giggling about it mine was keen to join in the fun. I never gave my toddlers lollies or sweets but for potty training my youngest knew he needed to wee he was just comfy in a nappy so we rewarded him with a few chocolate buttons after using the potty and he got the message. We also did it in warmer weather, stayed home with DC in the garden with no pants on and lots of praise when he asked for the potty.

The thing that nobody will tell you and that a couple of my friends whose DC potty trained early found out was that potty training doesn't mean dry nights, its a physiological thing and a couple of DC I know were in night nappies as late as 8 years old. Bottom line is ignore what everyone else is doing, take a couple of weeks off to just have fun with your toddler then try again.

I am sorry you feel this way. I hope my reply hasn't made you feel like this, that was not my intention x

What is speech like, understanding instructions, motor skills like? Any sensory issues?

Well, yes, keep him at home until you’ve done your job.
It’s not that I’m not sympathetic, my ds was very slow to learn and had just cracked it the summer before primary when he was 4, but it was my responsibility, not the school.

How much parenting does dad do?

Aww - I want to give you a hug. This too will pass. Don’t be hard on yourself. He will get there. I hate the judgement around it. Mine are perfectly independent in the loo kids now and have been for years (of course) and yours will be too.

I hear you. The Oh Crap book basically made me feel very guilty for not having trained by 30 months. Both mine trained past 3. What’s his speech and communication like? Do you think he understands what’s expected of him? Or do you think he just doesn’t feel the urge?

My oldest refused point blank to even consider a potty at that age and we had to forcibly train at 3 yrs 3 months to eliminate a medical issue (long story, related to stool withholding). He only got with the programme, so to speak, when I made it clear this was happening whether he liked it or not.

I’d say he got to 80% trained within about two weeks but then stuck there for literally a couple of years with lots of accidents - we ended up under the hospital for constipation at one stage. So believe me, I have been there. I will say we are now pursuing ASD assessment and I honestly don’t think he always recognises what his body is telling him.

My youngest got to 80% trained in about 2 days and was full day trained within a couple of weeks.

If it’s really getting to you - take a month or so off. Forget about it until later in April when it’s a bit warmer. Maybe read some books like Pirate Pete or Poo Goes to Pooland or whatever. But then I would have a concerted effort for a couple of weeks, even if you need to take a week off work. I found having mine naked from the waist down, with a potty or mini toilet (I found potties were uncomfortable for a taller 3 year old and we ended up with a mini toilet thing with a removable bowl)to plonk him on whenever I saw a sign, and rewarding with Smarties if he made it in time, was the best way.

If that doesn’t work, it’s probably time to try to get the health visitor involved.

Mine are older now but didn't like the potty, all did better with a child seat on the actual toilet. One I had to stop and come back to it a few weeks later.

Trained them all during the spring/summer months, much easier with fewer layers to strip off. I let them potter round in undies (never pull ups) and I watched them like a hawk. Regular tries on the potty or toilet, especially after meal times. Rewards and praise for producing something in the toilet. No fuss if they did have an accident, just clean up with no fuss or commentary. Portable potty came out with us if we went out although i didnt venture out further than Nanas house for the first couple of days.
Night time is a different matter wouldn't even go with nighttime training until daytime is well and truly sorted.

Consistency, no judgement and patience is key and getting angry is just a waste of time and energy and harmful.

Do you watch him closely to see if anything happens just before he goes, anything you can pick up on perhaps a look or stopping for a second you can point out and he can make the connection that when that happens it means he needs to go. Is he aware at all that he has wet/soiled?

I'd have a little break and start again in a few weeks when it's warmer. If you really feel there is some additional need in play then you need to see your GP about it.

Sounds really difficult OP. For what it's worth, my child does have additional needs and it took ages to train him. We tried for over a year believe it or not, but he's recently cracked it. He does have accidents once in a while but we're hopeful by the time he starts school, that won't happen anymore. We started at 2.7 and he cracked it at 3.10

Ok maybe if you give a clear picture of your son, his level of understanding, and why you think he has special needs versus just being a bit stubborn or hard to toilet train, you can get some more tailored advice. Everyone understands you’re fed up but there also seems to be a bit of defensiveness because the answers aren’t what you hoped for.

I mean we are way past the sitting on a potty watching TV.

If I take him to the toilet every hour, he pees, he stays dry, fine.

(obviously the above is indicative of a lazy parent )

We have one of those mycarrypotty for out and about Also fine.

Poo is not fine he just soils his pants.

This morning he came up to me and I smelled poo and i said oh ds think you’ve had a poo … he denied it and ran off giggling.

So then it’s a pantomime of me chasing him round the house catching him having to drag him to the toilet changing him and all the time he’s trying to climb up my leg and poo is getting everywhere and I end up getting upset (I shouted what are you doing get off me … really awful but you do just react when Poo gets everywhere,)

It’s just awful.

I don’t know. I’ve answered that honestly. People have said does he have special needs and I’ve said I don’t know. Sorry if that sounds really irritable, it is not meant to. But it’s honest.

Some of these responses are really unhelpful. Unless you've had a child whose hard to train, you just have no idea. I've had one child who trained in a couple of hours and one who took months, like your son. I'd take a break for your own sanity. It sounds like you're burnt out which is totally understandable - it's thankless. Take some time to regroup and try again in a fortnight. Buy a step ladder seat contraption to go over the loo and give up on the potty. Leave him in his wet pants so he can feel the unpleasantness for a bit to realise he doesn't like it. If he's like my son he'll never be 'ready'. We got there soon after 3 by bribery, cajoling, nagging and a bit of tough love tbh. He seriously didn't care. We first tried soon after 2 so it was nothing to do with timing. Fortunately for us, poos he did in the loo from very early so it was only wees. But our house was saturated in wee. It was awful. The standard advice from people whose children were easy to train was totally useless. Best of luck.