To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Just to let you know OP if he goes to a preschool, they will ideally want him potty trained ASAP and will encourage you to do
so. Read the "oh crap" method.

I get it op, those saying you're lazy just don't understand. My son wouldn't potty train for a long time, turns out he has autism. All the recommendations for chocolate buttons etc just don't work for kids with special needs. It's not a magic wand to solve all issues.

He does and I have.

I will probably withdraw him. I don’t feel much like going out anyway tbh.

have you mentioned your thoughts that he might have special needs to anyone
? it doesn't sound like you are coping with him maybe you need to find some support for yourself, being so nonchalant about possible special needs isn't usual behaviour.

I completely get your frustration - we spent 4 months trying and failing with DC3 at age 3. In the end, we worked out he was constipated and that the reason we'd failed is that he was actually genuinely incontinent as a result. To those suggesting it's parental laziness, I have put far far far more effort into repeatedly failing to potty train DC3 who is now 4 than I did in potty training either DC1 or DC2! I'd agree with moving back into pull ups to give him and you a break, if you've reached the point where your frustration over the repeated accidents is getting too high. However, I think it is worth starting to work through what might be causing potty training to fail and what might therefore need to change before you can be successful, whether it's special needs or something else.

My first point of call was the health visitor, have you tried calling yours to work through what issues might be getting in the way? If your health visitor isn't that useful, there are two charities with helplines you can contact for help. The first is ERIC https://eric.org.uk/ . They have lots of useful stuff on their website and you can email in for support, but I've found it hard to get through on the phone lines. The other charity is https://www.bbuk.org.uk/ , who cover adults too but have a separate advice team for kids. I found them easier to get hold off, and I had an incredibly helpful 40 min call with one of their continence nurses.

Sorry meant 3 years 8 months* Don't know how to edit. But hopefully it'll be similar with your son and happen suddenly!

I don't think telling OP that she has left it too late is really that helpful.

OP, I get it. We had many attempts (including using Oh Crap which didn't work for us) although we generally tried for a week and stopped if there was no progress. He eventually got it at 3.5, mainly through bribery. I wrapped up lots of individual bits of Lego/playmobil and he got to open one every time he used the potty. But the failure of the early attempts weren't through our lack of trying at all. He just didn't get it or want to get it. And 3 year olds can be stubborn things. Short of physically manhandling him and holding him on the potty until he needed a wee, there wasn't much I could do. We even thought about delaying him starting school because of it. But when he did train, he got it immediately and was more reliably dry/clean than many of his pals who'd been trained for longer.

@Comeandeat - it's up to you what you do at this point. But clearly you don't want him in nappies forever. It will affect his life chances if he is still in nappies when he should be going to school. I get you are frustrated. But in your shoes I would seek advice or try a different method. You haven't said what you're actually doing.

Thanks @CrabbyCat . I know it sounds a bit like I’m rejecting helpful advice and I’m not, it really is helpful but I have tried both those resources already.

The problem is I’m not sure I can call what happens accidents, he doesn’t even try to get to the toilet or tell me or anyone else he needs to go. So all you can do is take him at regular intervals and that sort of works with wee (and is a lot of effort for the ‘you’re lazy’ posters) but I’m not sure it’s actually teaching him anything.

Poo … just no go really. Just poos his pants.

@Comeandeat I only mentioned because exactly the same happened to my little boy. Please seek support and advice if you feel your mental health has taken a battering, especially if you feel like isolating yourself. X

I'd take a break for a month or so then restart but straight into pants. It has to be during a holiday or similar when you are also free of other pressures
You've tried for 4 months, put him back into nappies not pull ups for now then start again from scratch when you next have time off work.
If you're getting angry and frustrated he'll just get frightened and this will not help him.
I'm sure you've tried this but get a bubble bottle for the bathroom, whilst he sits on the toilet you play with bubbles, make it happy and carefree. If he doesn't wee, no problem we'll try again in a bit.

@MamaSnaill they changed the rules so they could be inclusive. Special needs can delay potty training, very few children at 2 will be fully diagnosed. Same reason children don’t have to be potty trained when starting school

Because it is not the poor teachers job to wipe your child’s arse and clean him up fgs.

Does he have special needs?
Are there any other signs of any development delays ?

So we keep him home. Fine.

I don’t know. I’m not an expert with this age. But probably yes.

Definitely wait! We started when my oldest was 3, utter disaster and gave up after a week. Then tried again in 3 months and clicked in one day - never had an accident again. My friend “potty trained” her girl at 2.5 years and she still had an accidents when she was 4!

I don’t know why people feel need to rush it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with putting him in pull ups and still carry on with taking him to the toilet.

You're being so very vague on this thread. If you genuinely want some help you need to be much clearer on both what you've tried and why you think he might have additional needs. Otherwise no one can offer any constructive support that's if you actually want some help?

Are you sure he's not constipated - that's exactly what we had with DC3? We could keep him mostly dry but only by putting him on timers, he didn't get the sensation to go. Poos we had no luck, it turned out because he didn't get the sensation. He did lots of little not particularly hard poos a day, so it never occurred to us he was constipated. We only worked it out when he was on antibiotics for something different and rather than getting diarrhea we suddenly got these huge monster poos.

But what I don’t get is why it’s the nursery/ school teachers & assistants responsibility?
I think a reasonable adjustment is allowing parents to come in and change them, or if there’s funding for specialist staff, I guess sort of like a school HCA/ personal care assistant to do it - not teachers & TAs. I think the teachers changing them is unreasonable. It’s detrimental to the rest of the class who loose out on teacher & TA time.

DD was a late learner (not through lack of trying, like you), and I was worried she couldn't tell when she needed the loo. Between us and her preschool teachers, she was asked to try on the toilet every hour or so, and usually did something with lots of praise etc. Anyway, after a couple of months of that it suddenly clicked and she could tell when she needed to go. I know a lot of people are skeptical of that method but it was absolutely the right choice for us

Pull ups work like nappies though (correct me if I'm wrong)so they don't feel wet when they've done a wee in them. So straight into pants and, set an alarm if you need to, regular toilet trips

I think some of these comments are really unhelpful! My ds was 3.5 when he actually wanted to be out of nappies. He'd seen others at pre school go to the toilet so wanted to copy them.

So we went shopping for pants, he chose them so all his idea then we were fully dressed all day but I took him to the potty/toilet every 20 minutes. We had one or two accidents on day one but by day 2 he was ok on wees. Other took a bit longer but it was all in his terms.

Am I lazy? Nope Could I be bothered, yes but any earlier would have been a nightmare.

I personally would pause only a week or two, maybe until the Easter bank holidays and reset then. Get him enthusiastic about wearing cool pants and you may be surprised.

Good luck! 🤞

If he can pee when prompted he has good bladder control which is fantastic. I would offer rewards as he's obviously not yet bothered by having wet pants.

Is he embarrassed?

With poo, could he have constipation? My DD at nearly 5 still has issues with this and still occasionally soils herself since constipation both makes her unable to feel when a poo is coming and she's also terrified of the pain from straining. It took us a very very long time to get her to start using the toilet for poos, and the only thing that worked was chocolate buttons bribery.