Page 27 | To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

Arcadiusdonk · 09/03/2024 13:14

They say when you can’t go on any longer don’t quit, but take a break. It definitely sounds like you need a break! Or let dad have a crack at it. When you have a bit of energy back you can try again while feeling refreshed😁

Original poster

Comeandeat · 09/03/2024 13:14

crumblingschools · 09/03/2024 13:08

@Comeandeat I thought you were meeting them yesterday?

No.

OP posts:

Cat2hop · 09/03/2024 13:20

https://visiblechild.com/2015/09/20/toilet-training-in-one-simple-step/

As you've found out - your child is going to do it their way, this might be reassuring for all the 'he should be' thoughts...? I would definitely take a break though for now.

FWIW I ended up pushing my own kid a little bit because she was getting a bit behavioral with poos (was a bit afraid of the toilet plus wouldn't tell me when she went plus would not want me to change her) and it was one tough day as she got over her own mental hurdle... Previous trials had been totally unsuccessful though as she wasn't ready!

Also watching 'Poo goes to Pooland' many times (app, YouTube video) was helpful!

Toilet Training in One Simple Step | Visible Child

Every day. I hear it–and read it. Every day. Sticker charts. Potty chairs that play music. Potty chairs in every room. Give them the iPad while they sit there. Bribe them with TV time. Make them sit until they go. Give them an m&m every time the...

https://visiblechild.com/2015/09/20/toilet-training-in-one-simple-step

LouOver · 09/03/2024 13:21

If he's 3y3m then he won't be school this September but next? In these instance take a break.

I also think potty training is much easier in the summer as you can let them be pantless in warmer weather. Stop for a few weeks and start again after Easter but I would try to pop him on the toilet every morning, lunchtime and before bed just to keep a semblance of routine.

Idontpostmuch · 09/03/2024 13:24

Comeandeat · 08/03/2024 08:10

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Had the same experience with DS1. Struggled for ages to no avail. Gave up at age 3 and put him back in nappies. Left it to age 3 and a half and tried again. Was then quickly toilet trained. With DS2 I didn't even try until age 3. All done by 3 yrs 4 months. Some boys just take longer for the appropriate muscle or reflex to mature. Just as some are slower to talk, others to walk. It's just at the end of the natural range.

CarrotsAndCheese · 09/03/2024 13:24

Fitrix29 · 09/03/2024 13:00

@Comeandeat I’m going to admit that I haven’t read the full thread, just your posts but have obviously seen the ones you’ve quoted and I’m honestly amazed.

Im going to go against all of that and say you absolutely should stop potty training just now. It’s not working, he’s not ready. To be able to potty train he first of all needs to be able to recognise the feelings of his bladder and rectum being full, before the point where his body can’t hold them, secondly understand what those feelings mean, and thirdly associate this with going to the toilet. That takes time, and by that I don’t mean you need to put you both through many months of trying to potty train, I mean that it’s developmental, not that potty training should last for months and months like some ridiculous kind of rite of passage. My older son was fully potty trained in 3 days. I say that not as a boast, but rather as an illustration that you don’t need to be surrounded by dirty washing for months on end; it’s not a necessary part of the process. When they’re ready they’re ready and it’s actually really easy. All the signs are showing that your son isn’t ready just now, and that’s totally ok. Some babies walk at 8 months, others at 16, both are completely normal. Potty training is the same, there’s a wide range of ages where they become ready, which is absolutely normal. And be reassured that 3y3m is nowhere near pushing the upper end of normal.

In response to the posters saying that it’s too late and that the habit is too ingrained, do they not think that if that were true then 2 would be too late too? 2 years is a long time to have let a habit become ingrained, and yet potty training at bang on 2 would be quite early. Also, my son was 3y 3m when he trained, and like I say, did it in 3 days so clearly it wasn’t this impossible, or even difficult habitat to break. But that’s because he was ready.

And as for the lazy comments. You’ve been at it for months, you’ve put loads of effort in, you’re clearly not lazy. But being blunt, it’s not getting you anywhere. And it’s not because you’re doing the wrong thing, it’s because HES NOT READY (said loudly for the ones that are calling you lazy). I’ll tell you what though, I sure as sht can’t be arsd cleaning up pee and poo for months on end just because some strangers on the internet think I should because my child has reached some magical age where society thinks I ’should’ be doing it. My parenting is responsive to my children and their needs, not the expectations of society and randoms on the internet. Honestly, it’s freeing, I highly recommend you try it. Or don’t, because at the end of the day, I’m just a stranger on the internet too, but my advice is a bit different because I’m not saying listen to me, I’m saying listen to your child. No one knows what he needs better than him and you x

This @Comeandeat - 100%!

So much wisdom and kindness in this post.

Yuckyyuckyuckity · 09/03/2024 13:25

What did you actually want out of this thread @Comeandeat ?

jolies1 · 09/03/2024 13:26

Wait till warmer weather and give it another go. If you have a garden lots of time outside (without pants if not overlooked). Boys are grotty little things - plant some sunflower seeds and tell him if he wees on them they will grow bigger. Will mean he tells you when he needs to go!

Original poster

Comeandeat · 09/03/2024 13:27

Yuckyyuckyuckity · 09/03/2024 13:25

What did you actually want out of this thread @Comeandeat ?

What do you actually want from that post? The boards called AIBU. People usually want to know if they’re being unreasonable or not

OP posts:

Solibear · 09/03/2024 13:32

Comeandeat · 08/03/2024 08:44

Ok but at what point do you say this isn’t working?

At the moment all that’s happening is he wees and poos in his pants like he would in a nappy.

He isn’t ready. Maybe that’s because of special needs I don’t know probably.

Show quote history

That’s what mine used to do. It’s actually how we trained her. I don’t think running around naked is particularly helpful, even though lots of people do it that way, because they just learn to pee and poo on the floor instead and then you have to get them used to wearing pants without a nappy afterwards, so it feels like it’s unnecessarily drawing the process out. I just went and bought a load of cheap pants and let her pee and poo in them and then would just cut them off (if a poo) and throw them away, until she stopped doing it because she didn’t like the feel of wee and poo in cotton knickers as opposed to the more comfortable feeling of doing it in a nappy/pull-up.

The problem with leaving it until he starts school is that the teacher will have to train him or else they will be spending their time changing nappies, and that’s not fair on the teacher (because it’s not their job) or the other kids (because that’s teacher/education time taken away from them).

You’re being very combative in a lot of your responses here. There’s not much point in coming to MN and asking AIBU then arguing with the people who say you are. That won’t help your mental health either. But you can’t give up on something you need to do for your child because it doesn’t suit you, for whatever reason. It’s not fair on him. Seek support for your mental health issues if needs be, get your son’s father to step up/in and help (both you and your son), do whatever else you need to do, but the answer isn’t to give up and leave it an indefinite period. The longer you wait now, the harder it will get - you’re just going to end up making yourself go through this all again but probably worse

TeaGinandFags · 09/03/2024 13:33

Have you tried play dates with potty trained friends? (His, not yours.) Peer pressure is powerful.

suburburban · 09/03/2024 13:38

pambeesleyhalpert · 09/03/2024 12:10

@x2boys they are absolutely not allowed to change them. Yes you're right it is neglect but why is it on the school and not the parents of the children? You can't always take the easy way out in parenting.

How on earth does a child not being potty trained for no medical reasons fall under equality act!? That's completely different. Im talking about parents who have said nope not doing this school will just have to suck it up

Yes have to agree

Rotten for the school

MammaTill2Pojkar · 09/03/2024 13:40

Comeandeat · 09/03/2024 11:44

I think what is interesting here is that when I say we’ve made no progress I mean

He doesn’t poo on the toilet or potty. Just in his pants (lovely.)

He wets himself if not taken to the toilet; this isn’t self initiated in other words.

Others have taken no progress to mean we’re still at the sitting on a potty in front of CBeebies stage and of course we’re a long way past that.

From your posts he sounds pretty much exactly like my boy, I tried multiple times with multiple methods and we only succeeded recently (he still waits too long to run to the loo but is now dry/clean by himself most of the day). Mine is 3yrs 9mos now.

Londonlor · 09/03/2024 13:40

Oh, OP, I want to give you a hug, a large glass of whatever your favourite is and tell you to take a break from it, you’ve given it your best shot and you can all try again in a couple of months when you’re all less stressed.
I totally get it. My son was like this and it nearly broke me too.
We took a couple of months break from the hell that was potty training, during which we continued to gently talk to DS about using the potty, he wore pull ups and we encouraged him to use the potty / toilet once or twice a day if convenient (ie before bathtime).
Being less stressed had a massive impact and when we tried again it all clicked much more quickly. Still had the occasional accident and we still used pull ups if on long car journeys, but our sanity was saved.
Good luck and don’t let certain people’s opinions get you down.
It will eventually happen and if you have concerns about special needs then please reach out for help from specialists.
You’re not alone and you’re not lazy! Being a mum is bloody hard work! Xx

RichinVitaminR · 09/03/2024 13:41

@x2boys This would be absolutely spot on if school was point blank refusing to have a child on the basis of not being potty trained. However, having a child attend part time when they aren't compulsory school age isn't denying them an education. Quite often as well, there will have been meetings between parents and teachers, a member of SLT too and an agreement will have been made in the best interests of the child. I've seen a PP who is a Reception Teacher though and I would say that they're spot on in saying that it doesn't have to be perfect and of course children will still have accidents. That's completely normal and expected. It's just that they can't really be coming into school in nappies... but, again, this RT is also spot on in saying that most children coming into school of compulsory age manage to get it, even if it's just before they start. OP, you will get there. It'll happen!

oakleaffy · 09/03/2024 13:44

Kids are very perceptive and know how to 'battle' with a parent!

{Unless developmental delays or physical disabilities}

If they sense that there is an ''Issue'' around pooing and peeing,{Parent gets stressed and intense or angry} it can get worse.

SalmonWellington · 09/03/2024 13:45

We gave up at exactly that age. Tried again in a very low key 'here are some pants with your favorite character on' way about 3 months later. DS got it immediately and was toilet trained day and night in 2 weeks.

RichinVitaminR · 09/03/2024 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I don't think it's fair to comment on somebody's circumstances on the basis of a few comments on MN. You just don't know. This isn't helpful at all

ViciousCurrentBun · 09/03/2024 13:51

I always potty train in the warm months and all done and dusted by 2.5 years. I basically rewarded for using the potty, just like I offered cold hard cash for exam results which is very frowned on by MN. Very much the carrot not stick approach.

Freshstarts249 · 09/03/2024 13:52

Goldx2 · 08/03/2024 08:42

I don’t mean to be unkind but you left it too long to potty train and now he is used to wearing nappies. Children should be sitting on the potty and getting used to it from 18 mths.

Show quote history

This is simply not true. I have worked in nurseries and now work in child development and children do not need to be potty trained at 18 months. I started my own child after 3 and it took no time at all. They’re all different.

CecilyP · 09/03/2024 13:52

they may not make these but in the 90s you could buy pants terry on inside plastic on outside so they feel wet get the hint but clothes stay dry .

You could but they were rubbish. DC didn’t care if they felt wet and these pants certainly didn’t keep clothes dry!

Freshstarts249 · 09/03/2024 13:54

People are being so harsh. You’re not lazy or doing him a disservice. The world doesn’t stop if I child isn’t potty trained at 3 and a half. It really doesn’t matter. He’s not going to be in nappies as an adult.

RichinVitaminR · 09/03/2024 13:55

@SmokedPaprikaPuffs I think this is a bit different to intimate care though. I've helped children to sort themselves out after an accident but generally speaking that isn't the same as changing a child wearing a nappy. It'll be a case of sorting their clothes for them and encouraging them to go to the toilet in a cubicle and wipe and what not and give them a bag to put wet clothes into and either pass or put their clean clothes in a safe place for them to access. Or, if they're really struggling, hold out the clothing in a way that it's ready for the child to put on themselves, if that makes sense? @pambeesleyhalpert is right in the sense that unless there's an agreement of some sort and the child has SEN, we aren't permitted to change them like you would a child in a nappy. It's a very tricky territory

5YearsLeft · 09/03/2024 13:56

Comeandeat · 08/03/2024 10:44

Anyway preschool have emailed to say they’ll talk to me at pickup. Be interesting to see them claim they don’t judge. But thanks to MN I know better 😆

@Comeandeat - I think a previous poster who asked about your meeting, was referring specifically to this, so this is probably why they thought you’d be speaking to the pre-school yesterday. It obviously didn’t happen, though. Sometimes these things don’t.

I think… that you’ve had plenty on this thread of hearing what everyone else thinks. I don’t want to pass any judgment on you. You said in your very first one or two comments that you needed to stop this right now for your mental health. Then I support you. Can you get more support, NOT for potty training NOT just for your son, but just for you? It sounds like you’re trying very hard, but your stress levels are already high every day, so where else can they go but breaking point?

And you deserve better than that. You are not fat or ugly or lazy or ridiculous or stupid or anything else. I’m a bit concerned you might have either depression or post-natal depression - it sounds like you’re giving everything you can to your children, you feel like you’re still not seeing that it’s enough, and then you feel like everyone thinks you’re a failure. You are NOT a failure. No normal person will think that you are.

Please, even if you don’t exactly feel sad, but you just feel like you’re constantly pouring from an empty cup and it doesn’t seem to get better, talk about it with someone you trust. When you’re ready, maybe go to your GP and discuss it. It would be great if you could talk to your HV, but it sounds like you’ve not even seen her, so… that’s as much help to you at the moment as a chocolate teapot, I know. But don’t feel like you have to be stuck in your house, alone with your children, because everyone will judge you. They really won’t. And if your son has any SEN at all, they especially won’t.

Good luck, OP. Life is so shit (no pun intended) sometimes. It’s unfair. We can be yelling and yet no one is hearing us. I hope one day, an easier and happier day, that this day will be a distant memory for you.

Sonny36 · 09/03/2024 13:57

Don’t put pressure on yourself or your son. Leave it for a bit and try again. Once ready my son was dry day and night over just a couple of days. My daughters were dry during the day earlier than him, but took longer over night. They’re all different and he’ll get it eventually. Best wishes x