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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

820 replies

Comeandeat · 08/03/2024 08:10

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Mh67 · 09/03/2024 12:41

You need a week or more if possible off from work. Stay home put in pants take to toilet every 15 min. Don't show your distress at accidents just say let's get you cleaned up and move on.
I've toilet trained children for 23 years on a daily basis.

Passthepickle · 09/03/2024 12:42

OP have a break, ignore the dicks and when you are both ready try again. One of mine was tricky and then kept pooing at school for years - it wasn’t a delight to sort every day after pick up but he sorted himself out and him being ready and able to hold on (don’t think he has ever used a school toilet) removed the issues. I waited with all of mine u til they were ready in general. Seemed easier and one day when they are big you won’t even remember what when right or wrong or when it finally got sorted. Take it easy on yourself

ImNotARegularMumImACoolMum · 09/03/2024 12:44

OP, you might not like me for saying this but have you spoken to a professional about how you’re feeling?

You’re going to stop with potty training your son as you’re struggling with it, you’re withdrawing him from preschool due to the fear of others judging him/ you and said that you don’t intend to go out much.

It sounds to me like you could be suffering from post natal anxiety and if you haven’t already you could benefit from speaking to your GP.

I’d also like to say that this isn’t me name calling or gunning for you like some others, I’m genuinely concerned that you don’t sound okay

chiwowowa · 09/03/2024 12:44

If anyone is lazy it's parents who push their children to train before they are developmentally ready, for their own convenience.

Bellamondus · 09/03/2024 12:44

Leave until the summer

MrsSunshine2b · 09/03/2024 12:51

Comeandeat · 08/03/2024 09:14

So we keep him home. Fine.

Home educating is not an easy option and if you choose it it should be because you believe that you can provide as good or better education as school at home, not because potty training is hard.

Zanatdy · 09/03/2024 12:52

My God some of you posters are unreal. OP take a break for a few months, not all children get it at the same time. Mine were all different ages

Change2banon · 09/03/2024 12:52

Mh67 · 09/03/2024 12:41

You need a week or more if possible off from work. Stay home put in pants take to toilet every 15 min. Don't show your distress at accidents just say let's get you cleaned up and move on.
I've toilet trained children for 23 years on a daily basis.

You’ve toilet trained for 23 years … taking to the toilet every 15 minutes is not how to toilet train.

Topee · 09/03/2024 12:56

Hi OP, do you think you may be suffering with post natal depression?

Your reactions regarding pre-school and school are extreme and you are choosing to isolate your child. I don’t think things are as bad as how you’re seeing them.

FWIW, my child was similar to yours, we had an hourly wee alarm for about 9 months, she would go when taken but the ability to identify the need to take herself took longer.

Whoknowsohyoudo · 09/03/2024 12:57

ACuriousHare · 09/03/2024 12:34

You must have had the patience of a saint and I'm very sorry you were made to feel that way. There are many more important things than potty-training, it should not take over.

Thank you! I know people probably envision a poo-smeared little boy standing in the bathroom with tears drying on his face, but it was more me chasing a grunting toddler down the hall before he could dive under the kitchen table to finish his work

waterlellon · 09/03/2024 12:58

I'm in a similar boat with my 3.5 year old. I don't know what to do. I'm trying not to take a break this time but it's not going anywhere. Wees are fine but I've got through so many pairs of pants.

waterlellon · 09/03/2024 12:59

Zanatdy · 09/03/2024 12:52

My God some of you posters are unreal. OP take a break for a few months, not all children get it at the same time. Mine were all different ages

Yeah I'd have a couple of weeks low pressure

Fitrix29 · 09/03/2024 13:00

@Comeandeat I’m going to admit that I haven’t read the full thread, just your posts but have obviously seen the ones you’ve quoted and I’m honestly amazed.

Im going to go against all of that and say you absolutely should stop potty training just now. It’s not working, he’s not ready. To be able to potty train he first of all needs to be able to recognise the feelings of his bladder and rectum being full, before the point where his body can’t hold them, secondly understand what those feelings mean, and thirdly associate this with going to the toilet. That takes time, and by that I don’t mean you need to put you both through many months of trying to potty train, I mean that it’s developmental, not that potty training should last for months and months like some ridiculous kind of rite of passage. My older son was fully potty trained in 3 days. I say that not as a boast, but rather as an illustration that you don’t need to be surrounded by dirty washing for months on end; it’s not a necessary part of the process. When they’re ready they’re ready and it’s actually really easy. All the signs are showing that your son isn’t ready just now, and that’s totally ok. Some babies walk at 8 months, others at 16, both are completely normal. Potty training is the same, there’s a wide range of ages where they become ready, which is absolutely normal. And be reassured that 3y3m is nowhere near pushing the upper end of normal.

In response to the posters saying that it’s too late and that the habit is too ingrained, do they not think that if that were true then 2 would be too late too? 2 years is a long time to have let a habit become ingrained, and yet potty training at bang on 2 would be quite early. Also, my son was 3y 3m when he trained, and like I say, did it in 3 days so clearly it wasn’t this impossible, or even difficult habitat to break. But that’s because he was ready.

And as for the lazy comments. You’ve been at it for months, you’ve put loads of effort in, you’re clearly not lazy. But being blunt, it’s not getting you anywhere. And it’s not because you’re doing the wrong thing, it’s because HES NOT READY (said loudly for the ones that are calling you lazy). I’ll tell you what though, I sure as sht can’t be arsd cleaning up pee and poo for months on end just because some strangers on the internet think I should because my child has reached some magical age where society thinks I ’should’ be doing it. My parenting is responsive to my children and their needs, not the expectations of society and randoms on the internet. Honestly, it’s freeing, I highly recommend you try it. Or don’t, because at the end of the day, I’m just a stranger on the internet too, but my advice is a bit different because I’m not saying listen to me, I’m saying listen to your child. No one knows what he needs better than him and you x

Fedupmumofadultsons · 09/03/2024 13:02

OK fair enough he was 2 years 11 months .Still a bit late. But to now just give up and let him decide so if he decides he is happy to sit soiled until school where do you draw the line . do you just let him but in nappies and pull ups they don't feel wet do don't care ....they may not make these but in the 90s you could buy pants terry on inside plastic on outside so they feel wet get the hint but clothes stay dry .
There is probably a modern alternative. As I said I am amazed preschool or nursery let them in un potty trained .but a neurological 3.3 years old should be potty trained. Sorry they should

Comeandeat · 09/03/2024 13:03

crumblingschools · 09/03/2024 12:40

What did nursery say @Comeandeat?

Look, I’m probably going to sound horrible here but what, about when?

Did you post earlier to ask me a question and I’ve missed it or are you inferring I asked on Friday? Genuinely meant but I’m not sure what you mean.

OP posts:
Comeandeat · 09/03/2024 13:04

Fedupmumofadultsons · 09/03/2024 13:02

OK fair enough he was 2 years 11 months .Still a bit late. But to now just give up and let him decide so if he decides he is happy to sit soiled until school where do you draw the line . do you just let him but in nappies and pull ups they don't feel wet do don't care ....they may not make these but in the 90s you could buy pants terry on inside plastic on outside so they feel wet get the hint but clothes stay dry .
There is probably a modern alternative. As I said I am amazed preschool or nursery let them in un potty trained .but a neurological 3.3 years old should be potty trained. Sorry they should

What do you think has been happening for the last four months @Fedupmumofadultsons ?

Go on, enlighten me.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 09/03/2024 13:07

Didimum · 08/03/2024 08:20

What method are you using? I think you need to crack on unfortunately and adapt your methods. Unless there’s developmental issues or ND at play, he can absolutely potty train at his age.

Agreed.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 09/03/2024 13:08

Yes well obviously I assume you have been trying
But you can't seriously just say that's it I give up yes it's a pain and a slog he us to big to be in nappies .if he is in nursery what are they doing .

Change2banon · 09/03/2024 13:08

Fedupmumofadultsons · 09/03/2024 13:02

OK fair enough he was 2 years 11 months .Still a bit late. But to now just give up and let him decide so if he decides he is happy to sit soiled until school where do you draw the line . do you just let him but in nappies and pull ups they don't feel wet do don't care ....they may not make these but in the 90s you could buy pants terry on inside plastic on outside so they feel wet get the hint but clothes stay dry .
There is probably a modern alternative. As I said I am amazed preschool or nursery let them in un potty trained .but a neurological 3.3 years old should be potty trained. Sorry they should

Neurological 3.3 year old … I assume you mean neurotypical 🤔 … no, not necessarily they shouldn’t be potty trained. Can all 6 year old children read to the same level? Can all 10 year old children do maths to the same level? The list goes on … all children develop at different rates.

Comeandeat · 09/03/2024 13:08

Fedupmumofadultsons · 09/03/2024 13:08

Yes well obviously I assume you have been trying
But you can't seriously just say that's it I give up yes it's a pain and a slog he us to big to be in nappies .if he is in nursery what are they doing .

And what does trying look like?

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 09/03/2024 13:08

@Comeandeat I thought you were meeting them yesterday?

waterlellon · 09/03/2024 13:09

Fedupmumofadultsons · 09/03/2024 13:02

OK fair enough he was 2 years 11 months .Still a bit late. But to now just give up and let him decide so if he decides he is happy to sit soiled until school where do you draw the line . do you just let him but in nappies and pull ups they don't feel wet do don't care ....they may not make these but in the 90s you could buy pants terry on inside plastic on outside so they feel wet get the hint but clothes stay dry .
There is probably a modern alternative. As I said I am amazed preschool or nursery let them in un potty trained .but a neurological 3.3 years old should be potty trained. Sorry they should

How is this in anyway helpful. OP is clearly struggling with this and instead of support she's getting loads of comments along these lines. What's the point. Why kick someone when they are down.

jessycake · 09/03/2024 13:10

I would leave it for a couple of months until the warmer weather when all the washing and drying will seem less daunting and he may well just go with it . Despite all the media hype most children are toilet trained by the time they go to school . I feel this has made some parents more anxious , but all children get there and most before they are four unless they have sen .

GlassAnimal · 09/03/2024 13:12

I'm in a gentle parenting group on fb and frequently see posts from parents having difficulties with potty training and are often recommended by others to wait and try again at a later date. Honestly I would recommend posting in one of those groups or even just looking at those posts for a different perspective from what you've got here. People are much less cruel without this anonymity...