Page 24 | To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

Comeandeat · 2024-03-08T08:10:39+00:00

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march. I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more. He is 3 years and 3 months.

PurpleElf · 09/03/2024 11:40

@Comeandeat I’ve read all your posts and just want to give you a virtual hug, really. I haven’t read all the replies because I find toilet training to be one of those things that people have such outdated but extremely strong, ingrained ideas about.

I don’t think you are lazy or a terrible parent. To me you sound overwhelmed, frustrated and worried for your child. Your instinct is to protect him and take the pressure off you both, which I agree would be beneficial for your mental health, your son’s self esteem and your relationship with each other.

I have 3 children and did almost no “training” with any of them. One child decided at 2.5 she would no longer wear nappies and was pretty much dry day and night from that moment. The other two were 4 before they were in pants during the day (not long before they started school) and one was in pull ups at night until 7. None of them have additional needs, they just weren’t ready until they were ready. Obviously we had potties and toilets available and we regularly asked if they wanted to use them. We had pants and tried a few times with them when they showed an interest but when it became clear they weren’t ready we went back to pull ups.

They were at preschool and the staff encouraged them to use the toilet but it was a setting with an ethos that children shouldn’t be bullied or cajoled into things they weren’t ready for, so there was no drama about artificial deadlines for something that is entirely developmental. They all got there in the end. If your preschool is putting pressure on then please consider looking for another that will be supportive.

A good preschool will also help you with understanding if there might be any signs of additional needs or developmental delay with your son and with accessing support. It sounds like you might need to write down all the things you are concerned about and take it to a different GP to ask for help as well. He is still so young though.

Most of all, be kind to yourself and go easy on yourself and him. There’s nothing wrong with either of you. Some things are just tricky and made harder by people who have limited compassion, empathy and don’t understand that one size does not fit all.

You sound like a lovely mum and he‘s lucky for to have you, but you need to look after yourself too.

citysloth · 09/03/2024 11:43

OP you have done amazing to persevere for so long! Give yourself a break for a few months at least. Potty training is hell. I gave up a lot sooner at that age and did it just before he turned 4 and it was still hell but only took a couple of weeks. You've got ages before school so plenty of time.

x2boys · 09/03/2024 11:43

RichinVitaminR · 09/03/2024 11:32

@x2boys With respect, yes I know that 😂 I think you must understand what I'm saying here. The teachers I have worked with have refused within legal realms to have a child who isn't potty trained full time. There has been quite a bit to do about it all and, more often than not, a part time agreement is put in place. Because, actually, compulsory school age isn't until the child is 5. So there is some leeway for teachers to argue what they believe to be in the best interest of the child at that stage. But that said, OP might choose a private nursery if at all and that's a different ball game. There is no legal obligation for children to attend nursery.

If they are accepting early year funding then they are breaking the law ,
They need to read the equality act just because a child is developmentally delayed and bring late to toilet train is a developmental delay ,they still.have a stauory right to an education.

Manthide · 09/03/2024 11:44

Homegrown11 · 09/03/2024 11:30

Leave it for a bit and try again. I was planning to potty train my 1st but had a new baby who was permanently feeding so it wasn’t practical. We visited friends when she was about 4 months off turning 3 and she saw their daughter in pants and just came to me and said “I don’t want a nappy anymore” and took it off. And that was it!! She was ready and it was totally stress free. Youngest did it earlier because she was copying big sis.

I realise that means I technically never potty trained, but my point is, when they are ready it is much easier. Hope that helps!

Dd2 was the same and ds - they just decided they didn't want to wear nappies anymore! Dd2 was only about 18 months but she'd seen her big sister use a potty. We were going away a lot and moved house so I sometimes put a pull up over her knickers so I wouldn't worry. I used to tell her I hoped she'd keep her knickers dry - and then I reused the pull up. Dd3 was my worst as she was very stubborn.

CarrotsAndCheese · 09/03/2024 11:44

PurpleElf · 09/03/2024 11:40

@Comeandeat I’ve read all your posts and just want to give you a virtual hug, really. I haven’t read all the replies because I find toilet training to be one of those things that people have such outdated but extremely strong, ingrained ideas about.

I don’t think you are lazy or a terrible parent. To me you sound overwhelmed, frustrated and worried for your child. Your instinct is to protect him and take the pressure off you both, which I agree would be beneficial for your mental health, your son’s self esteem and your relationship with each other.

I have 3 children and did almost no “training” with any of them. One child decided at 2.5 she would no longer wear nappies and was pretty much dry day and night from that moment. The other two were 4 before they were in pants during the day (not long before they started school) and one was in pull ups at night until 7. None of them have additional needs, they just weren’t ready until they were ready. Obviously we had potties and toilets available and we regularly asked if they wanted to use them. We had pants and tried a few times with them when they showed an interest but when it became clear they weren’t ready we went back to pull ups.

They were at preschool and the staff encouraged them to use the toilet but it was a setting with an ethos that children shouldn’t be bullied or cajoled into things they weren’t ready for, so there was no drama about artificial deadlines for something that is entirely developmental. They all got there in the end. If your preschool is putting pressure on then please consider looking for another that will be supportive.

A good preschool will also help you with understanding if there might be any signs of additional needs or developmental delay with your son and with accessing support. It sounds like you might need to write down all the things you are concerned about and take it to a different GP to ask for help as well. He is still so young though.

Most of all, be kind to yourself and go easy on yourself and him. There’s nothing wrong with either of you. Some things are just tricky and made harder by people who have limited compassion, empathy and don’t understand that one size does not fit all.

You sound like a lovely mum and he‘s lucky for to have you, but you need to look after yourself too.

Brilliant post!

Original poster

Comeandeat · 09/03/2024 11:44

I think what is interesting here is that when I say we’ve made no progress I mean

He doesn’t poo on the toilet or potty. Just in his pants (lovely.)

He wets himself if not taken to the toilet; this isn’t self initiated in other words.

Others have taken no progress to mean we’re still at the sitting on a potty in front of CBeebies stage and of course we’re a long way past that.

OP posts:

chiwowowa · 09/03/2024 11:45

No idea about why parents obsess over this. I remember reading a paediatrician comment that some children, particularly boys, are just not developmentally ready 'til five.
My very bright, highly verbal and social child wasn't ready at 3 and a 1/2 - just couldn't make the connection - so we tried again - with no pressure - at 3 and 3/4. It clicked.
My ND child wasn't truly ready 'til 5.
Unfortunately, no matter how our society is set up, with ever younger ages at pre-school and big school at 4 - children are ready when they are ready.

Pantherbinks · 09/03/2024 11:45

Give yourself a break. There is no sense flogging at something that’s not working and stressing yourself out. Talk to your health visitor, they should be able to give good advice, and work out a plan for when you start again. My DS was also a late one - in fact one of those awful ones in the news headlines, not potty trained before starting school. Not because he couldn’t, when prompted to go he would and sometimes he’d choose to go but other times he wasn’t interest or inclined. We stuck with pull ups throughout and gave it a periodic push. And one day early in his first term at school nursery, maybe with the peer influence, he wanted to be in pants now, and he did. The missing ingredient for us always was his interest and inclination. He’s still a stubborn one at 7yo now!

FlitterBug · 09/03/2024 11:47

take a break and try again when you think his is ready! My one son trained under 2 but regressed and my other son was 3 and a half for wees and 4 for poos! But never regressed or even had one accident.

Manthide · 09/03/2024 11:48

There was a boy in dd3's class who wore nappies in reception. Dd3 came home and told me there was a baby in her class. I was very confused until I realised what she meant. I obviously corrected her. The boy went to a special school in year 1.

AuntMarch · 09/03/2024 11:51

GoodnightAdeline · 08/03/2024 08:51

I agree about nights but I think the general process of learning how to hold wee and stretching the bladder slightly helps at nights.

The point is we now potty train far too late and this is the result - ingrained habits that become very hard to break in some children.

If he starts school in September OP simply doesn’t have the luxury of trusting he will have an epiphany. He might, but he might not, so she has to persevere to make sure all bases are covered.

Literally nobody wants to change the nappy of an unrelated 4 year old simply because their parents didn’t potty train them. It’s grossly unfair to expect that from anyone.

Show quote history

A dirty nappy is often much easier and quicker to sort out that dirty pants!
The children being put in pants when not ready took far more of my time up than the ones in nappies when I worked in nursery/reception.

Menapausemum1974 · 09/03/2024 11:52

Comeandeat · 09/03/2024 11:44

I think what is interesting here is that when I say we’ve made no progress I mean

He doesn’t poo on the toilet or potty. Just in his pants (lovely.)

He wets himself if not taken to the toilet; this isn’t self initiated in other words.

Others have taken no progress to mean we’re still at the sitting on a potty in front of CBeebies stage and of course we’re a long way past that.

@Comeandeat you’ve made loads of progress from the starting point you’ve just hit a blip. Chil for a bit and let yourself recharge! You and he will definitely get there! Ignore all the up their own arses perfect parents, bet their are areas of parenting their not excelling in. Only reason for people to attack others is to make themselves feel better 🤷‍♀️

x2boys · 09/03/2024 11:52

Comeandeat · 09/03/2024 11:44

I think what is interesting here is that when I say we’ve made no progress I mean

He doesn’t poo on the toilet or potty. Just in his pants (lovely.)

He wets himself if not taken to the toilet; this isn’t self initiated in other words.

Others have taken no progress to mean we’re still at the sitting on a potty in front of CBeebies stage and of course we’re a long way past that.

Just ignore the nasty posts on here my oldest was around the same age or a bit older when it finally clicked
For ages he would happily wee on the potty but as soon as I put underwear on him.he would wet them ,I can't remember exactly when but it just clicked one day
He was definitely out of nappies when he started nursery in the Sept before he was four that xnas ,and had been for a while
My youngest is severely autistic and it was years before he toilet trained but that's a whole different ball game

Manthide · 09/03/2024 11:53

Dd2 now has a ds of her own who is approaching 2. He has been using a potty since he was 3 weeks old as they practise elimination communication. I'm not sure if he is toilet trained yet but he does do all his poos in the potty and the vast majority of wees. It used to be called toilet timing.

Iaminthefly · 09/03/2024 11:55

@chiwowowa 5? Give over.

The fact is we are leaving potty training later and later. In generations past children were out of nappies by age 2 at the latest!

The OP is clearly trying and i do feel for her. However far too many people are leaving it because they can't be arsed. I have a friend with 3.5 year old twins. Still in nappies for no other reason than she can't be bothered to take the time out at home to toilet train them.

I understand toilet training is hard. I've got twins and I'm a lone parent. It nearly cost me my sanity but they were out of nappies not long after they turned two. No way was i cleaning giant toddler logs out of nappies for a minute more than required.

Iaminthefly · 09/03/2024 11:58

And the method that nearly cost me my sanity was "Oh crap" I'm right there with the op in thinking that book is the worst!

Once I burned it and followed my mothers advice things got a lot better.

pambeesleyhalpert · 09/03/2024 11:59

I know you don't like the oh crap book but she says instead of putting them on the potty every 30 mins then wait until they start weeing then put them on the potty as then they know the warning signs otherwise it's just luck. I'd have a break but not indefinitely. He won't be able to start school if he's not toilet trained

MrsB74 · 09/03/2024 12:00

Commonsense22 · 08/03/2024 08:40

I've heard many with similar struggles, particularly with boys of similar age.
Back in the day, people used to potty train much much earlier - between 18months and 2 years old was the norm for boys and girls. This is still the case in most countries across the globe.

I've heard more than once that it's actually harder as children get older. Several mums of multiple children have given me the advice to get going before 2 years old because afterwards, it can become complicated... Make of that what you wish.

Don't beat yourself up. Take a break to gather strength, then in a month start up again. During that month, explain to your son that on x day, that is when he is going to start using the potty. Have a countdown. Is he motivated by music? For some children, the singing potties help. Is he motivated by food?
It's also about timing. For instance, put him on the potty as soon as he wakes up, when he's going to do a wee anyway. Make a massive fuss if it works.
Then he will start getting the idea, hopefully...

Not necessarily. In our case (twin girls) before the age of two meant lots of accidents and constant laundry. In the end they were just short of 3 and decided by themselves to just wear pants one day! Hardly any accidents. Everyone I know who started early had much more stress and it took ages.

Take a break or you’ll end up even more stressed which won’t help either of you. Then take a deep breath and try again. Regular toilet trips and lots of rewards.

Leave the potty out in the meantime and see if he’ll use it before his bath (for example) - but with no expectation or stress. Or maybe he prefers using the proper toilet? He’ll be understandably feeling your stress at the moment.

Manthide · 09/03/2024 12:00

Iaminthefly · 09/03/2024 11:55

@chiwowowa 5? Give over.

The fact is we are leaving potty training later and later. In generations past children were out of nappies by age 2 at the latest!

The OP is clearly trying and i do feel for her. However far too many people are leaving it because they can't be arsed. I have a friend with 3.5 year old twins. Still in nappies for no other reason than she can't be bothered to take the time out at home to toilet train them.

I understand toilet training is hard. I've got twins and I'm a lone parent. It nearly cost me my sanity but they were out of nappies not long after they turned two. No way was i cleaning giant toddler logs out of nappies for a minute more than required.

My sil was like that. She basically wanted her dm to do it for her. They live abroad and we visited not long after my neice was 3. I bought her a couple of pretty knicker and vest sets but she was still in nappies. She used to hide behind the sofa to do her poos and was definitely ready.

x2boys · 09/03/2024 12:01

pambeesleyhalpert · 09/03/2024 11:59

I know you don't like the oh crap book but she says instead of putting them on the potty every 30 mins then wait until they start weeing then put them on the potty as then they know the warning signs otherwise it's just luck. I'd have a break but not indefinitely. He won't be able to start school if he's not toilet trained

Stop making things he absolutely will be able to start school if he isn't toilet trained as schools are not allowed to refuse a child in nappies it's against the law
Bit he has 18 months yet

SarahR71 · 09/03/2024 12:02

Our daughter was over 3 and needed to be potty trained to start nursery. Nothing worked. Out of desperation (not my sort of thing) I tried a star chart and she responded immediately, was potty trained from that point on. Good luck

pambeesleyhalpert · 09/03/2024 12:02

@x2boys so what happens when they have a poo in their nappy? Schools aren't allowed to change them so the kid just has to sit in it all day cos parents cba to toilet train?

x2boys · 09/03/2024 12:05

pambeesleyhalpert · 09/03/2024 12:02

@x2boys so what happens when they have a poo in their nappy? Schools aren't allowed to change them so the kid just has to sit in it all day cos parents cba to toilet train?

Schools are allowed to change them.as I think you will find that leaving them.soiled and or wet all day is neglect
They will no doubt have an intimate care plan covering all this
Read rhe 2010 equality act if you don't believe me .

SmokedPaprikaPuffs · 09/03/2024 12:07

Hi op. My son was quite difficult to potty train, we waited until the month before his third birthday (September, so it was August and warm outside) after trying when he was two and a half and giving up. I basically spent a couple of weeks indoors/in the garden with him naked from the waist down and I followed him around with a potty. Not everything got in the potty but my floors are mostly laminate. We had a paddling pool in the garden to entertain him as we weren't leaving the house much and he weed in it a LOT. All of that helped him understand his own bodily functions before I risked leaving the house, with spare clothes always. And of course we praised anything that got in the potty but I'm sure that's not a new suggestion to you.

He held in his poo and I downloaded an app called poo goes home to pooland which I think helped him a little bit. Again, probably not a new suggestion to you but worth mentioning in case you haven't heard of it.

He did have accidents when he started nursery (the following January) and one or two times he wet himself in reception, and was still in pull ups at night in reception. The nursery/school had a policy though where they took all children to the toilet twice a day, I think after breaktime and lunchtime so even if my son never asked to go to the toilet he was taken twice in a day which helped prevent accidents. This was for all children not just him.

Just sharing my experience in case there's anything you can take from it. I'm not familiar with the oh crap method so I don't know what you've tried already. My son is now 7 and I no longer have to take spare clothes everywhere, and he stopped wearing pull ups overnight shortly before he turned 6, which really wasn't an issue for me as he was going to school in pants and staying dry during the day which was the main thing.

Whatdoido1987 · 09/03/2024 12:07

I got stressed potty training my son too and like you just decided to wait for him to initiate it. The summer before he started school nursery he'd managed to get the hang of it. 1 thing that helped us was leaving the potty in the living room and having him naked at the bottom half, lots of telling him I thought I could 'hear' a wee coming and telling him to sit on the potty x