To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Please don’t worry my son was 3ys and 8 months and he did it in a day - as he was ready! I had loads of people making helpful (snide) comments but ignored them and let him do his own thing. In contrast my DD was 19 months when she was dry in the day, and abit older for night. Don’t let it worry you at the minute- give yourself a break - but if there are worries later on talk to your health visitor. Good luck x

My son was 3 years and 9 months before he finally cracked it. We tried loads before that but (as it's a hormonal thing regarding when they are ready) he wasn't ready prior to that. Don't stress yourself too much.

In my experience people claim their kid is potty trained far earlier than they actually are simply because they don't wear nappies...but are regularly wetting themselves. Don't stress, he'll do it when he's ready and it shouldn't be much longer.

All kids are different, my daughter has just finished potty training at 4 years and 4 months old.

We tried at 3 years and it didn't click, she knew how to use the potty but her body wasn't telling her when she needed a wee/poo.

They can understand the process but until they get the physical sensations you are setting them up to fail.

To everyone saying, he is old enough, it isn't about age, it's about physical development and that is different and specific to each child.

I will say, my DD never told me she needed a wee, still doesn't unless we are out/in the car, she just takes herself now she gets the physical feeling.

Sounds like you are going through a very tough time. My DC who has additional needs was toilet trained just as they turned 5yrs. We had tried since they were around two and a half years - every few months or so. I think the advice at the time was to try for a couple of weeks and if it wasn't working to stop and try again a few weeks later. It was a while ago so I'm only vaguely remembering this advice. When it clicked with DC it really did. Since the day the pull up came off there were no accidents at all. It is a developmental stage which they all meet at different ages. Many people claim their DC's are toilet trained although they still need prompting to go, help with removing clothes, wiping and still have accidents.
I agree you need to take a break for a while for the sake of your mental health.

I got the Oh Shit potty training book and followed their method. Basically had a few days at home with him, gave him loads to drink so he’d need to wee loads and got him on the potty every time. He picked it up really quickly and I wish I’d done it sooner, he was3y1m

I'd take a break from it, he's not ready yet. If a child's ready they'll potty train in a few days - it shouldn't need to become a long, drawn out accident-filled affair. The range in ages of friends' children has been wide - from just turned 2 through to 3.5. All children are different. But a child who is not ready today could be completely ready in a couple of weeks, they change so fast.

Haven’t read the full thread, but he could be / have been constipated.
I know that sounds silly but constipation can really mess with toilet training as the children don’t learn the sensations associated with successful bowel movements. The bowel can also become desensitised with time.
Have a chat with the GP and I’m sure they can refer you on, if appropriate.

https://eric.org.uk/potty-training/problems/

https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bowels/constipation-in-children/

I understand the pressure to toilet train - nurseries and pre schools can be a bit militant once they get to a certain age regardless of whether your DC is actually ready yet.

I know that pull ups don’t have the same feel as normal underwear, but could you simply try potty training with those and offer a reward for if he goes the whole day without soiling one? (Extra episode of paw patrol at bed time, a new book from the library/bookshop?) ie. No drama for the accidents, and a reward for days he manages it? (Sorry if this has been suggested and/or you’ve already tried it)

Can you wait until weather a bit warmer, have him running about naked at home so that when he poos it’s not “caught” as such in his pants, but he’ll literally feel it going all over him?

I have 3. Older two are 5 and 3 with September birthdays and I trained both of them right before their 3rd birthdays (July/August), like this. Just took every 30-60 mins to toilet, explained it all etc. they got it really quickly but neither ever showed any signs of being “ready” prior to that. Both are still in nappies at night with no signs of that changing any time soon. I’m not worried. A Gp wouldn’t do anything about that until circa 7-9. And I know some of older one’s school friends are also not dry at night.

if you are wondering about some sort of special needs, what other things are making you think this? I’d go to HV/Doc whoever with it all and start that process. Am also no expert!

Aww OP i feel you!! Trying to potty train a child that just isn’t ready is draining. Just wait & give it some time. The whole potty training process is much smoother when you & the child are stress free. You may even find the pull-ups help when he’s ready - when he’s able to tell you he needs the toilet, try the potty or toilet and keep the pull-ups on him during the day & night. I find that children are much more likely to be successful (as in train within a few days) with the pull-ups still on as they feel secure & comfortable.
lots of people will tell you your child is too old and needs to be trained - when has anyone asked a primary school aged child how old they were when they trained!? 😂 it will eventually happen, just later for your child and that’s ok!
I’ve potty trained 25 children and all of them were more successful between 3 - 4 years old - all with pull-ups on and all within a couple of days as they were truly ready so just got it. Literally just knew what to do & only had a couple of accidents, some had no accidents at all.

you are doing amazing … just opt for the stress-free way and wait 😊 x

I think take a break for sure. You sound very stressed about it and he might be picking up on it. Does he go to nursery? My LO has started wanting to use potty as sees others going. And I’d just have it there for him and talk about using toilet etc when you are. And wait till he shows some interest. He’ll get there.

Good morning,

sorry I haven’t read all your thread but I can sense you were getting upset at your later replies.

a lot of people will say that a child should be potty trained by this age etc…. But the truth is with children it isn’t a one size fits all. My son was slightly later than expected with potty training much to my mother in laws annoyance. However I waited until I knew he was ready, and at around 3 and a half it clicked and we have never had an accident (except for a nasty round of norovirus which tbh even the adults in the house had an accident and once when he was having too much fun at the park and didn’t want to bring himself away). I was forever told my nephew was trained at 2 and a half however he had accidents and night time pants on until after starting school. I was glad I waited it out until he was ready.

I hope this journey gets easier for you x

Can you not talk to him about it? My ds was rather chubby when he was 2 and a half and found nappies uncomfortable. He was non verbal but once a potty was introduced he much preferred it. After a couple of days he 'asked' not to wear a nappy at night and I told him that was fine as long as he did not wet the bed. He never did.
With all my dc we talked about the process, gave praise and encouragement etc.

If your not careful he will still be in nappies when he goes to school. Its your responsibility to potty train your child before he goes to school, you can't leave it for the teachers to do, they have enough on their plates without changing 4 year olds nappies....

Hey OP, this happened to me with my Ds. I tried when he turned 3 and it drove me crazy. After 2 weeks, I gave up with the intention to come back to trying in a couple of months. The 2nd time he did it! But in between I would sit him on toilet in the morning and before bedtime, just so he stayed used to it. Tbh, hestill wears a pull up at night, and I've been trying to break that habit but nothing is working.....

@Comeandeat my eldest was about 2 with a good few accidents, my youngest ( both boys) was having none of it “ no pants, nappy on” even trying to put it on himself. So we left it a bit. He was nearly 3 when one day he announced “ no nappies now just pants” I remember trying to talk him out of it as I had kids staying for the weekend with my eldest and my husband was working away for a few days. However like I say he was having none of it and just took the nappy off. He had literally 3 accidents ever and I think they were all at night. Just told him about this there ( he’s 14) and he said “ oh so I potty trained myself” mmm well yes I suppose he did 🤷‍♀️ I wouldt have left him till 4 without intervening again but I do get your pain and frustration. My brother was literally 5 and wet at night until about 8, he would only come to mine for a sleepover but insisted on hiding his nappy in the morning 🙈 that was fun! Anyway he’s 28 now and behaves impeccably now when he sleeps over 😂
take a few days out, be kind to yourself then think of a plan

Really fucking helpful

Keep going, but break for 2 weeks then start again. Use chocolate, treats etc. Keep going.

Ginormous hand hold here OP, potty training is rough! Potty training was absolutely the worst part of parenting for me and my DS didn’t potty train until he was pretty much 4. It was so unbelievably gruelling and I felt like the biggest failure parent that walked the earth, lost tons of sleep and spent hours crying over it. It seriously isn’t worth getting that worked up over it. What we didn’t know at the time was that ND and almost 11 years later he still struggles now and again. It is extremely stressful OP and sadly the perfect parent vipers will always hang about Mumsnet. Take a break for now, try again in a couple of months time. If you push a child no matter what age when they’re not ready it can cause all sorts of problems because they can develop fears around the toilet, then start holding and that brings a whole set of issues in itself that can take years to reverse. For the sake of a couple of months despite what people say about nursery etc. just leave it and come back to it. It will come to him eventually and years down the line it won’t matter that he trained a bit later to other children. Every child is different, no amount of condescending bollocks from the “professional” mums of MN will convince me otherwise although in some peoples mind one size definitely fits all because it worked for their clever little angel and all their friends. 🙄 Nursery workers are well versed in children that struggle and haven’t potty trained as early as others they may be able to offer some advice or reassurance. If he had to work it out on his own, so what? Will he be the first or last child that’s learned that way? Absolutely not. The world won’t come crashing down because he’s trained later and it won’t cause lasting damage but the stress it’s causing you is far more of a concern. Sending you the very best of luck. 🤞

However I waited until I knew he was ready, and at around 3 and a half

But you don't know he wasn't ready earlier because you didn't try. Many, many, children will be trainable at a much earlier age, some won't for various reasons, but the majority will, but parents now delay with this mindset that you have to wait, and it's just not true.

The actual cost of nappies saved, and the damage to the environment of disposals is a disaster, very few people seem to think it's an issue though.

@KnittedCardi but you don’t know how they came to that conclusion 🤷‍♀️ it could of come from chatting about it and the child refusing to engage. That’s not the same as just not trying surely 🤷‍♀️

Just a thought, but if you wait for a warm day, do you have a garden. Try a few hrs with no pants, sometimes when they feel/see it sinks in. It'l probably just take time. You can get kids books that talk about it also. x

Fancy people actually being able to know their own child and what works best for them. Who would have thought it!? Wild. 🙄

Edit: This is the parenting board, if you want to push an environmentally friendly agenda then I suggest you start your own thread instead of attempting to derail this one. There are far more pressing environmental factors than a couple of months worth of pull-ups. Are you going to put your hand in your back pocket and pay for everyone to have disposable nappies for their children? No? Then jog on and stop trying to make a parent who’s trying to do their best feel even more miserable. What an absolute low life you are.

I stand corrected it’s the AIBU but my previous thoughts still apply. OP try and ask this to be moved onto the parenting board, you may avoid unsympathetic idiots like this one poster.

Honestly, some of the replies on this thread are nuts! My ds potty trained age 2 and 2 months, zero issues. Dd is 3 and 2 months and just hasn’t got it yet. She goes to nursery 3 days a week and they are totally not bothered, say she’s well within normal range of age and they have kids in preschool room (she’s still in the lower room) who aren’t trained.

yesterday she wanted to wear pants so we put them over a pull up as she was going to nursery but said she can just wear pants today. So far lots of sitting on the potty but 2 wees in her pants 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Oh and she seems NT, nursery have no worries either.

id definitely just take the pressure off for a few months and enjoy your DS, get your relationship back on track then try again.