To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

We had a few stop-starts. My kid was motivated by cash, I ended up paying him every time he got it right. Things really improved though when we ditched the potty and changed the loo seat to one that has the optional little kids one you can pull down on top and bought a step. I think the novelty of that lasted long enough for him to develop the habit. Luck more than anything probably!

@Comeandeat you are not failing and you are not lazy. If it's been four months definitely give it a break for a bit. Hopefully your son will start to recognize that he needs to go soon. Some children do develop later and even potty training at 4yrs is normal. I know my brother potty trained around that age and he has no additional needs.

I haven’t read all of the comments but I potty trained both of mine at 2yr 3m, naked waist down at home for as long as it took for them to take themselves to the potty or go on demand. regular prompting, chocolate button for a reward. Do this for as many days as it takes for them to be going on demand or on prompting. Then you can go out commando (ie no pants) for a few days so they have less layers to work with. Then once they’ve cracked that. Intro pants. I feel like it’s a fool proof method tbh. You have to put time into it and plan at least 4 days at home. My first daughter we were at home for 2, my second only 1. But you can’t rush it and I was prepared to do many more.

Just wanted to send you some sympathy. Some people have been vile to you on this post, seemingly unable to see that you have tried everything and are at the end of your tether. You are absolutely doing the right thing by taking a break from it.

I guess I had a slightly similar experience - tried potty training my son at 3 and he was completely... I don't know, disinterested? Unable to engage? Would sit in his own poo for hours if I let him. Finally I said 'when do you want to wear big-boy pants??' and he replied 'after Christmas'. So we gave up on the training. On Boxing Day (6 months after he'd turned 3) I said 'it's after Christmas now, let's try pants again'. He said ok - and didn't have a single accident from then on. I guess he just needed to feel like he was in control.

I trained my younger son much earlier and we had constant accidents for ages. I wish I'd left it a bit later.

So maybe your child does have some additional needs, or maybe he's just going to get the hang of this when he's a bit older, but every child is different, 'Oh Crap' does not work for everyone, we are all just trying our best, and people should really stop being so nasty.

Good luck to you. Xx

Op, stop beating yourself up. My child was “v late” to come out of nappies, ie well past 3.

FWIW my kid is now a (ridiculously!) super brainy, very sporty, very nice teenager now. I see that he quite likes the easy life, even now (chilled out personality); so probably nappies were just easier for him, who knows. But at the time I also worried (he was also late to walk!). So I would say to you, to stop attempting this with such focus, since it’s making you doubt yourself and him. He’ll get there… (unless of course serious learning difficulties, in which case, again - it’s not his/your “fault”).

someone said to me at the time, there are no university students in nappies (unless a fetish), and that helped me put it into perspective haha.

Not sure if it’s been said on here, but we used a musical board book called “pirate Pete”, and he liked that.

but it was actually the (Gina ford inspired) offer of choc buttons that broke it when he finally stopped with nappies. But not the one button per potty, as per her advice. No, the cheeky kid (who wasn’t given chocolate at the time - yes, I was one of those parents) asked for the whole big bag, in return he said he’d stop with the nappies (!). This i did, and he was never wet again. Dry through the night too, unlike his little friend who potty trained at 2.5 but needed night nappies until at least five…. Again, I see this as part of his (perhaps hyper lazy/competent, both extremes) personality!

God, this age is tough. But they do bumble through!

Some kids transition from parent led potty training (ie you take them every 2 hours) to independent quickly. One of mine did it in a day or two. One of mine took over a month. But to me once they can wee on command AND hold their wees in between they are ‘trained’ per se. If he is at that point and you are putting nappies on then that seems like a backward step when the battle was mostly won.

as per my previous post I think you’ve introduced pants too early - you should only introduce them once they’re doing everything on demand etc. take a break and try this method - it’s honestly fab x

He's obviously not ready yet. Just leave it for the time being and be kind to yourselves. My youngest grandson was at least 4 until he showed any signs of knowing what it was all about. But he's now six and it's been a while since he had any accidents. Some children just take longer than others but get there in the end unless there are other major issues

It’s not one extreme or the other. It’s not ‘wait until they tell you’ but it’s also accepting that despite a parent’s best effort, some kids don’t get it as easily, or there are legit reasons for not starting earlier. These posts saying ‘you should have started earlier or he should get it now he’s 3’ are completely unhelpful and disheartening.

If you had bothered to read the thread, you’d see that I posted earlier about my son having hypermobility (he also has mild hypotonia). This meant his gross motor skills are delayed and he didn’t walk until he was 2. So potty training wasn’t on my high list of priorities. I also mentioned that due to his lack of strength, he wouldn’t have been able to get himself onto or off of a potty without help.

So here we are, he’s now 3, been trying to potty train since xmas and he’s struggling. He is not saying when he needs a wee, he is not caring at all about sitting in wet pants either, or about weeing on the floor or sofa. I’m trying everything I can and doing my best.

I think your instincts are correct to have a break. It seems like you’re getting a hard time on here and also giving yourself a hard time. Please be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best you can with the child you have.

My daughter took a long time to toilet train. She just didn’t get it, didn’t seem to want to get it. She does now have a diagnosis of ADHD, though I’m not inferring anything about your child.

What helped us:

1. She saw her friends at nursery using the toilet and wanted to be the same as them.
2. We used pull ups so she had the option to go to the toilet herself if she wanted to.
3. Sometimes she wanted to wear knickers, sometimes she didn’t. Sometimes she would sit on the toilet at nursery, sometimes she would only use her carry potty. We just went with the flow.

In the end one day when she was 4 she disappeared into the bathroom. I opened the door to find out what she was up to thinking she might be messing about with the sink. She was sat on the toilet, she said "go away mummy I’m having a wee". When she came out I took her for an ice cream and that was that, she used the toilet from then on.

She then potty trained her little brother when he was 18 months with no involvement from me!

It will be ok in the end.

I remember having a stressful time trying to potty train our eldest son. I got so stressed and when I look back now I think Why? Do I can fully understand your feelings, our son wasn’t ready, I can honestly remember the age he was when he used the toilet for wees but I definitely remember he struggled to use the toilet for poops , he was nearly 5 before he used the toilet, he would only feel comfortable using a potty for poops, obviously he was at school but he would hold on all day .
when I think of all the times I would chase around our house , so stressful for him and me, why did I do it!
I have worked in pre schools for around 18 years now and all I can say is each child is different, they do it when they are ready and not before
wishes you all the best 💐

I'm not convinced modern disposable nappies are to blame in anyway - not that I believe blame comes into it at all. My son was in reusables almost from birth. Terry cloths as he was a heavy wetter. He still showed no signs of discomfort when wet. Tried repeatedly to train him from the age of 2. He showed no signs of readiness. I only just got it done around 3 but he still had tonnes of accidents for a good few months afterwards. I don't believe the reusables had any discernable impact on potty training at all. Although he did poo in the loo very early. So I do think putting him on the loo when I could see he was straining from a very young age helped. I did that as its easier to deal with a wet terry cloth than a soiled one.

That’s so bloody rude. Wind your neck in

Reception teacher here.

You're getting a really hard time OP and Im not at the potty training stage so won't give any advice but just wanted to reassure you when we meet children in may for a September start there are maybe 4 or 5 parents who will be worried about toileting. It's rare to get a child who is still in nappies but there are usually a few who are only just out of them and lots need reminding to go etc. You don't have to aim for perfect.

I would speak to your preschool, at his age I bet they often have to give advice / help to families.

You could go old school and try training pants, they minimise damage to carpets and soft furnishings but aren't as comfy and absorbent as pull ups. I used washable nappies on mine and am convinced that the greater feeling of being wet with cloth nappies made them more aware. They were trained quite early by today's standards apart from DS2 who took until he was about three.( none of this seems that long ago to me but is about 20 years ago!). All three have ADHD and or Autism too and not advanced across the board with other physical things.

TLDR Consider trying old fashioned lined training pants instead of pull ups as a compromise.

If you work in schools then you should know that they are NOT ALLOWED to reuse to take a child in nappies it's ILLEGAL
That said the child has another 18 months before he starts school.

My eldest was 3 years 4 months and when she was ready she just got it straight away and was dry within the week overnight too. My youngest is nearly 4 and is taking a while to get there although she tends to prefer the toilet to potty. I am going to have another full on go in Easter holidays when there is more time.

Just give it a break for a bit, just to almost have a reboot. Then start again, maybe in the summer so he can be outside more.

I have one chocolate button per wee/poo on the potty. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do that. Worked a charm.

It's OK to take your time doing it, I don't know who decided that it needs to be done in 3 days but we did it slowly with my youngest and it worked fine. We even used pull ups while we were out of the house (shock horror, how confusing for her) but it was honestly fine. She actually had less accidents than ds who was trained using the 3 day method. You just have to figure it out as you go and do what works for you / dc

I work in a nursery and while over three is older it isn’t unusual either. Your child won’t be going to school in September so there is plenty of time to crack it before school. We still change children in our preschool room so he can still socialise in the right setting without being judged on this issue.

The children who struggle seem to have either made it a battle for some reason, have underlying toileting issues such as constipation which make it difficult for them to feel when they need to go or some SEN that makes their understanding about toileting difficult.

I think maybe you do need a break at this point. Use the pull ups so it is easy to change him. Still encourage him to use the toilet and praise him when he does perhaps with stickers or treat. Make it positive but take the pressure off yourself. He knows he gets a reaction and your attention right now on this issue. When you change the pull up make no comment. Be completely neutral on the contents. He will hopefully stop making it a game and a way to get attention. At nursery he’ll see his friends using the toilet and perhaps being praised for it. In time he should use it, just ask the preschool to praise and reward too. They will want to help you.

Also do check for underlying issues such as constipation if you feel there might be something like this involved.

Good luck. Pretty much all of them get there before school.

It's not worth all this grief, OP. Potty-training is just one part of parenting. There are so many other parts which are so much more rewarding. It's ok to put this on the back-burner for a bit and reassess in a couple of months so that you can focus on enjoying your time with your beautiful boy.

If you find yourself getting angry, stressed and frustrated (which can be hard to avoid sometimes), it's time to take a step back. Having a stressed and frustrated mum will be so much worse for your DS than potty-training a bit late.

Put the pull-ups back on, give him a big cuddle and take him to get cake.

Give it a little break but I wouldn’t wait too long as it’s unfortunately one of those things that’s ugly but has to be done. Find out if he prefers a potty or the toilet. My son would never go on the toilet and my daughter would never use a potty. I used different methods for both but for my son I did the couple of days in the house with no pants or underwear on, then as soon as he was weeing I’d put him on the potty.

This method did not work with my daughter at all… I think I did the whole let’s get new underwear and I used to wait for her to take them off as it was uncomfortable once they were wet. I think eventually she clocked on that it has to go down the toilet. But it really felt with her it had to be on her terms.

potty training is mentally draining though and you’re not alone.

To add to my previous post (our son will be 4 in August, we've been potty training for months and are struggling):

We've bought a bundle of toy cars - everytime he goes to the potty/toilet we give him a car. Basically we want to reward him for good behaviour.

Is that something you might try?

Also to the posters who give you a good trashing on this thread - you just don't want to admit that certain children are extremely easy to potty train as opposed to others.

I have a 2 year old daughter and she showed a natural interest in the potty at a young age. She tells us several times a day she wants to sit on the potty.

For my daughter, it's a sense of pride when she can sit on the toilet/potty and she does so with a big smile.

My son however doesn't feel uncomfortable sitting in his own poo/pee. He also giggles when he poos or pees himself.

Two children, close in age, exactly same home, same parents, same upbringing, but completely different personality and development.

I hope you are doing ok OP. You sound so down in your posts x

Also I want to add OP… get him to come with you and watch you go to the toilet. Clap your hands and say well done mummy… mummy did a wee wee. Really have to go overboard with the enthusiasm and then do this when your son