To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

My daughter was about 2 and a half and did it overnight. My son was about 3 but all wees and poos in the potty gained a chocolate button is what cracked it for both. Also I didn’t ask - I said every 30 minutes - toilet time it was worth it

We made the toilet training into a game, we had a reward chart on the bathroom door and a family toilet seat and dedicated a week half term to it. Always keeping it cheerful helped as they pick up on frustrations. A chocolate button and a star for each wee in the toilet and a big fuss. I think they enjoyed the attention so tried really hard. Also we took them out to choose grown up pants which they took pride in wearing.

Teachers are there to teach not potty train your child. By all means take a break for a few weeks (no problem doing that at all-it will probably help you both) but do not leave it until he starts school. It’s not fair on him or the school. Unless like others have posted he is showing other signs of a special need. Thats an entirely different matter. Toilet training is (excuse the pun) an absolute pain in the arse!

potty training is hard and i almost dispaired of my youngest ever being dry because he just wasn’t bothered if he was the slightest bit distracted/too far from the toilet, 4m is nothing - he’s developing a new skill, it’s really normal for more accidents than not at this stage. It can take a year plus to be consistently dry/able to predict need to poo before it happens.

i am worried that you say it’s impacting on your mental health and relationship with him and you’ve got really angry at times - this is probably the biggest factor in your struggles and it might be time to have an open and honest conversation with your GP/HV. He can’t help soiling/wetting and needs his mum to be calm/predictable and not scary - if you don’t address your own needs this could develop into long term attachment/emotional health difficulties reaching far beyond potty training.

I hope you get the support you need x

Ha copying seems the way to go! I’m sure DNephew learned quicker at nursery when he saw other kids using the toilet/potty.

I was also having to prompt my son for a while (I can't remember how long for) but then he just started being able to go to the potty himself. I know it doesn't feel like a success that he keeps needing to be prompted but I'm glad I didn't give up as it lead to being properly toilet trained. Take it as a massive success about being dry all day prompted or not! I totally feel you about the poo accidents, it used to make me feel so stressed as well!!

About pre school, I have no idea what children are in nappies or not, how would the other parents even know??

Good idea to stop. We had the same problems as you. We stopped and then one day he got up and said he wanted to wear pants. I reminded him that meant he would need to go to the toilet. He insisted and so he wore pants from then on. He never EVER had an accident. It was as if he had to make his own mind up about it. I think that some boys are just not ready.

Hi op, just wanted to say that my ds took much longer to crack poos than wees. He sounds a similar age, he was 3 in December, we said bye to nappies in September. It's only since late Jan/ early Feb he's been reliable in all settings.

He got it at home independently with wees and poos much more quickly and was 90% reliable after a couple of weeks. Going out and about was another story and he needed lots of taking to the potty then and pois wereaccidentsfrequentlyif we were out, but nursery was an absolute disaster for a fair amount of time. It was always poo accidents for around 3/4 months and for a long time they had to take him like every half hour/hour for wees otherwise it would have been wee accidents too. It also wasn't a slow gradual improvement there it was one week several accidents a day. Next week one or two accidents the whole week. Now an accident there is once in a blue moon. It's also only ever wee accidents now.

I know what I'm describing is still much better than what you're experiencing but I just wanted to show some solidarity that it can be really hard. I just couldn't see he was ever going to get it as some of my friend's kids did it really easily.

I think maybe keep going and he'll get it? I don’t think it's a problem you are taking him for wees personally. I think we as parents have to lead our children and that is what you are doing. My son wouldn't brush his teeth of his own accord but that doesn't mean he isn't ready to train to brush his teeth by us doing it and reminding him.

Maybe you can have a morning each week where he is bare bum with a potty close by and you don't remind him but the rest of the time keep taking him as you do now?

With the poos can you tell before he's about to do one and try and sit him on the potty and keep him there? Sorry if you've tried that and it's really patronising.

OP, you sound so tired and worn out with this.

DS had problems with constipation that meant he wasn't reliably continent with either wee or poo until he was nearly 8. Due to other factors homeschooling was never an option for us so I had to send him in to nursery and then school.
I hope its reassuring to know that everyone who dealt with him were lovely and kind about it. I judged myself like a demon but no one else did.
Like you, I really worried about the social aspect but DS is a popular little boy, having a bit of poo in his pants or a wet patch didn't seem to put any of his millions of wee mates off at all.

Its really hard but you'll get there and it'll be fine.

I would give up for a month then come back to it.

I think you’ve waited far too long to start. I also wouldn’t give yourself permission to give up, you need a proper method and to try again.

if he’s neuro diverse/ has autism then I think it’s fair enough to set different expectations but if he’s neurotypical he should definitely be able to learn this now.

You clearly need the break. Take the break. I don't think continued perseverance and frustration as a result of it not working helps the child or parent. Leave it for a couple of months then try again. I also wouldn't continue for months on end if he doesn't get it still. It is what it is and it sounds like you have tried and its been hard. I wouldn't take him out of preschool though but that's my opinion.

OP I could have written your post last July, we'd been trying on and off since he was 2, and on his 3rd birthday last May our nursery really put on the pressure to get him potty trained by September when he would have been 3yrs and 4 months (he was going in 2 days and increased to 3 days in Sept when he was going into the preschool room at nursery) we had books for him, reward chart, chocolate button if he took himself to the potty, everything but nothing seemed to really work. And then one day it just clicked at about 3years 3months. But in the end it was all him.

I do suspect my son may have ADHD (although too young to diagnose) and have been told boys do take longer to get it anyway. However he's still in pull up night time nappies and he's 4 in May, we'll get there in the end. Xx

Please don't beat yourslef up and don't listen to people putting you down you sound like you're trying your very best, he'll get it don't worry. Xx

Get him in pullups, leave the potty where he can get to it himself and read him books about using a potty, reassess when the weathers a bit nicer and you can get laundry on the line lol. Xx The summer months certainly helped us crack it.

If it takes 6 months on average then fine, but the MN narrative seems to be that it takes a couple of days which makes mums like us feel like shit.

When was this, the dark ages?! DM in 1971 had automatic washing machine and tumble dryer and Terry nappies.

Load of nonsense and completely unhelpful. There are many reasons why things to work out or people don’t try out earlier. There are other problems than being ND.

"So then it’s a pantomime of me chasing him round the house catching him having to drag him to the toilet changing him and all the time he’s trying to climb up my leg and poo is getting everywhere and I end up getting upset (I shouted what are you doing get off me … really awful but you do just react when Poo gets everywhere,)"

Is he generally a bit difficult or disobedient like this? I am on your side, I'd find this behaviour (especially when dreading the poo clean up) very frustrating and challenging. So wondering if their are either developmental delays or additional needs playing into it. Does he respond to instructions, discipline, conversation and show empathy? Not a test- just getting a gauge on general behaviour!

For what it’s worth my little one wasn’t ready at 3. Four months later he got it within a week. Same with my dd. She was late 3.7 but when she got it was dry overnight too.

My advice would be have a break and revisit in a few months

Hard disagree.

Also your reply doesn’t add anything. What else other than ND - do enlighten us all rather than just being vague.

i double down on my thoughts that’s it’s the parents jobs to get their children potty trained. Follow a method, be consistent. Get it done. I also got poo on my hands when doing potty training but I didn’t give up.
You shouldn’t just wait for a child to know how to use a toilet. What next? Wait for children to know how to ride a bike as it’s too complicated to teach them? Just wait til they ask to do it and completely learn off their own back. Ridiculous.

I have 5 DC. After trying potty training with the eldest at just under 3, we went back to nappies after 3 weeks of poos in pants and waited until he was ready 6 months later.
All of mine were quite late to be ready but then it only took a few days for them to get it. The youngest was dry day and night within a week when he decided he was ready.
All of mine are autistic and ADHD - they all have problems with interoception, which is an inner sense knowing when they need the toilet, sensing inner temperature changes and thirst/hunger.

There’s no point battling with your child to get them out of nappies before they’re ready. It’s awful for both of you.

Wait till he asks. My eldest was 3 years 7 months when we toilet trained. Skipped the potty and pull ups. But used stickers as a reward. Worked very quickly. 20 wees equalled 20 stickers equalled a transformer toy. The first time I saw he wanted a poo, I said do it on the toilet and we’ll go straight to buy another transformer.

I had tried at 2.5 years and 3 years old and it just wasn’t the right time for him.

My youngest then decided at 2 years 3 months that he was wearing pants and using the toilet. No cajoling or bribes needed. He did it himself 😂

Noooooooo @Comeandeat don't take him out of preschool! It will benefit him so much and means you get a little break to though not really because baby.
This comes from someone who was 'lectured' at preschool for my dd being in pull ups at 2 and 3 months! They weren't judging though I don't think, it was just a case of you need to be all in or out 😬
He doesn't get it yet, not all kids do. Does his dad have any time off booked? See if he can have a go.
Honestly, please reconsider preschool. He will be taking in his friends going to the toilet and it will sink in. You can and will do this! Just have a bit of a break cos it can be soul destroying.

I’m sorry you’ve had a tough time of it. Not all children take to potty training as easily as others and it is just perseverance. The best advice I can give is to allow yourself a bit of a reset as it’s obviously been a bit full on. Wait until the weather picks up and spend a couple of weeks in the garden with nothing on his bottom half. You won’t have the added frustration of having to clean up inevitable accidents and change clothes. Plus in my experience wearing pull ups or even normal underwear gives them a false sense of security. After 2 weeks of dedicated potty training and by that I mean don’t plan to go anywhere or do anything, you should hopefully have cracked it. Good luck

There are two main things.

• can he hold his wee say for an hour or so?
• can he pee on demand?

if so then you take him to the toilet every hour, extend to every 90 mins and 2 hours. Don’t wait for him to ask. Very soon he’ll be dry.
Then slowly over a month or so get him to prompt. It will take some time to understand the feeling of a full bladder and he will leave it too late sometimes but that’s fine. Keep promoting every 2-2:5 hours.
And we always went to the toilet before heading out somewhere etc.

Have you tried skipping the potty all together and going straight to the toilet with a child seat on? My daughter wasn’t really understanding what she had to do so I literally sat on the toilet, did a wee and was like look this is what a wee is. It sort of naturally clicked after that? I’m not really sure she knew what a wee was until this, guess she just knew her nappy got wet but had never seen it.

Maybe your husband could try that if he feels comfortable doing so.