To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

I hear you! My son is the same age and still in pull ups if that makes you feel better! When we have tried potty training it goes well and then he gets stressed and says the potty is scary and then got diarrhoea! I kind of feel that it will be easier when he decides he is ready. In the meantime we talk about it, go through his empty sticker chart and talk about the chase toy he will get when he uses the potty and read some other potty books and visit the potty too so it’s not out of mind!

if you need to take a break - take a break. Sounds like you are at the end of your tether so no point breaking you!

have you spoken to nursery? Mine have said they keep offering and keep talking about as well etc

turns out my husband wasn’t potty trained until he was nearly 4! Same with my niece and nephews who are all highly intelligent!

at the end of the day… he’s not going to be 18 and not potty trained. It will happen at some point!

please PM me if you want to start a support group!:)

I think putting yourself under pressure to train him when you were heavily pregnant and had a deadline was a bad idea and put you under stress. Then with the arrival of your new baby, that might have caused issues for your son, which further set back his training. Obviously you can’t go back in time and change this, but, assuming no additional needs or medical issues, 18-24 months is a better time to start.

For now, I’d be a bit firmer. He’s old enough to understand that he shouldn’t poo in his pants, and showing some disapproval is fine. He needs to know it’s not ok. Sometimes this disapproval can be quite mild and is enough to focus them. People sometimes suggest a reward chart but I found my son didn’t really respond to that and immediate responses were best.

You sound very down about it. Don’t be, but do persist. This will all soon be a distant memory x

havent read the whole thread but have you checked he doesnt have any low level UTI. My son had mild urinary reflux and as a result had a constant low level UTI which didnt bother him, but did mean that he had a constant low level irritation that was the same as the urge to wee - so his brain blocked out the feeling and as a result he wasnt aware of the urgency signal.
taking trimethaprim in a low dose every night dealt with the infection, and lo and behold, he then 'knew' when he needed to have a wee
He also never liked the potty, he would (and still does at 18) sit to wee on the loo as to him it felt cleaner.
It might be worth a GP check up if nothing else to see if there is a reason he isnt recognising that he needs to go, because if he is in pants, he will feel wet.
We used cloth nappies though, which certainly helped him to know he had gone.

I get your frustration. Both my boys were late potty trainers as they never showed the classic signs of being ready. I kept waiting for them to be ready and they just never were! With both of them I trained them shortly after they turned 3. It took months. They would mostly get it, but still have maybe 1 accident a day. My youngest went to school nursery at 3 and 4 months and wet himself there every day all academic year. When he started reception it was like the penny dropped and he went oh right I can just go to the toilet 😂

absolutely take a break if you need one. We had 2 attempts with my eldest - during our 4 week break towards the end he announced he didn’t want to wear nappies anymore. So we started again. It still wasn’t easy though and still took months.

there are various methods you could try. I trained a lot of younger children in my later job as a childminder while they wore pull ups. Just sent them for a wee regularly and praised when they did one. Then eventually took the pull ups away. This seemed to work better (sending them every couple of hours) rather than what I did with my kids which was to always wait until they said they needed to go. There is a popular method called the Oh crap! Method which supposedly works in days.

in reference to your comments about it being optional. Yes he has a father. But in the same way you don’t want to do it I don’t suppose he wants to either. You’ll find it much easier to both do it together and support each other. You can seek advise from your child’s nursery, health visitor or local children’s continence nurse (the continence team are brilliant and you don’t need a referral just ask your GP for the number). If he’s 3 and doesn’t have a nursery he’s entitled to a minimum of 15 hours and that would be good for his development.

its all well and good waiting but a lot of children won’t ever decide for themselves. I work in a school and we have 4 and nearly 5 year olds still in nappies who are not able to attend school full time because of it and whose parents get called in every time they need changing. They just aren’t bothered.
please don’t become one of those parents who think it’s someone else’s job to train their child. Yes it’s difficult. My son turned out to be autistic but we managed.

do seek advice from health visitor or continence team - they are very helpful and if it turns out to be something more (bladder issues, a developmental delay) you are in the right place! Good luck

This. You can't just wait until they are ready though as some kids will just never be ready. Take a break for a week and start again. It's not negotiable he has to be toilet trained. Use whatever method and be consistent. So many kids coming to school not trained. School can support but need to be lead by parents.

Agree...Three is definitely plenty old enough to be using a loo or potty..{Unless developmental delays or disabilities} .
I wonder if modern ''nappies'' make wearing them and peeing/messing in them more 'comfortable' for older children Eg, very absorbent?

Seems many more children are starting school still in nappies!

Go cold turkey…no nappies unless nap or bedtime during the day only pants. You’ll get a period where there is a lot of accidents etc and more laundry but dc will learn to not like the feeling of having wet themselves and will make more of an effort to go to the toilet. Are there any other things dc doing/ not doing to make you think developmental delay of some sort/ SEN could be a factor?

I don’t have any advice. I’m wondering if there are slight significant differences between potty training girls vs boys and their readiness. I don’t remember it being stressful to potty train my DD, it was a while ago and I remember moments of her just sitting on the potty and getting used to the action to start on a regular basis. I also remember having to somehow explain what it feels like before you need to go toilet .

My next child is a boy and I’ve noticed a common thread by scrolling through this post. I might be wrong. I would take a break, whilst on a break look for another approach and try again as opposed to waiting for him to be ready.

I’m actually quite surprised by the level of rudeness on this post. I have 3 DS, my first I was pressured to potty train and we ended up creating more problems than it was worth. My middle one was over 3.5, the youngest just decided he didn’t want to wear pants at 3 & 1 month.

I don’t understand this pushing to have them trained at 18-24 months, every kid is different. Waiting until my younger 2 were ready saved so much hassle and stress!

I couldn't cope with pottery training my children. It was the wee in their shoes that did for me. However my mum took charge. Her method was every time they used the potty they got a malteser. It didn't take long for them to get it, literally about a week whereas I'd been trying for ages.

@MiniAusOttie apparently the best age to potty train is 18-24 months (from my reading when I was potty training my ds) as they are not quite as independently thinking so less likely to say I don’t want to etc.

Definitely take a break OP, but please don't think that everyone thinks you're lazy or that it's disgusting that your child isn't toilet trained yet. He's really not the only one. I work in a nursery and every year there are a good group of preschool children who haven't mastered it yet. Including by the time they leave us to go to school. 8 in a class of 30 this year.

They can't all have lazy, 'can't be bothered' parents can they? When you speak to these children's parents the vast majority are at the end of their tether with it all and feeling immense pressure to get it sorted. Many, like you, have tried all avenues and you have done everything that we would recommend - health visiting, ERIC etc.

It really does sound like he hasn't developed the signals he needs to have for this to work successfully doesn't it? And no amount of willing it to happen will make a difference. This doesn't necessarily mean he has additional needs and I'd like to think that his setting would have discussed any development concerns with you. The vast majority of children I've encountered with toileting difficulties don't have any obvious SEN at the time. Of course, we don't know what emerges later on. If you do suspect SEN there are a number of online sites that can offer toileting advice around this, though I suspect you've probably come across them.

In my experience most parents choose to keep going, but with the security net of a pull up - taking to the toilet at regular intervals and I would suggest that this is a good strategy to keep toilet awareness and confidence going. If he's happy to use the loo that is a huge step.
At nursery we then take children to use the potty/toilet at regular intervals plus when changing pull ups so it's part of their routine every day.

Pre school should be working with you on this and I really hope that they talk you out of removing him. Poo is part of the job, no one's favourite obviously, but an area of children's development that we need to account for.

Yes there are a section of people, including those working in childcare unfortunately, who like to cast judgement on toilet training. But it sounds like the person judging you hardest is you - please don't.

My DD had a few failed attempts and I felt like you. She was younger (nearly 3 at the time) though. In the end she 100% did it herself cos she wanted to be like her best friend at nursery. When she was ready it happened within days. I've decided that when the time comes for my DS I'll wait until he's ready and no try to force it like I did with DD. All that happened was stressed mum, stressed child and a mountain of washing!
Also maybe it'll be easier in summer when washing is quicker!

Do not give up. Your child has absolute control at this age.
Put him in pull ups. Buy ‘oh cra*p potty training book’ and read it in the next two weeks. Do not mention anything to do with it for 2 weeks and then once you’ve read the book, do it. Final time.

I suggest taking a break, say a month, from trying. Does he have a similar aged friend who is not yet trained? I struggled with DS1 at a similar stage and having a friend who was training at the same time really helped in the end. We just spent lots of time together over several days and seeing each other doing the same thing seemed to work. My gut feel is that if they are ready it only takes 3 days at home to get there (obviously still occasional accidents), but if they are also in a nursery setting, they probably also need 3 days of routine there too.

To everyone saying it is not optional - WE KNOW!!! I have 18 months until my son is in reception- same as OP - and I am very aware it will need to be done before then.

That's your toilet training responsibility- to not forget or get distracted. That's what people mean by staying home for a week with their child sitting on the toilet (skip the potty) for 30 of every hour. It's a TV/iPad sweets week. Have you tried that? Most people set frequent timers and take their child regularly, it takes a few weeks for a child to learn their body's cues and muscles required to hold.

Before quitting, I'd give it one more week at home with regular toilets. No outings or car journeys etc. and lots of praise.

I teach nursery and reception age. There is no time for school staff to toilet train. A few are in nappies still by nursery. If they turned up to reception in pants but had frequent accidents we'd ask for nappies to be worn.

This summer will be your friend.
Most of the toddlers I know that haven't left behind the nappies in the summer they are 3 they crack on with it in that season. They want to run, play, move and it is hot. They see the nappy as an inconvenience to their own free of movement.
No long till summer now, try it there and encourage him with sentences like, you will be able to be faster without the heavy nappy etc. it is a really good chance that by September pull ups use will be in the past.

School are not there to potty/toilet train your child, that’s your role as a parent.

I’m sure DNephew who’s 5 had similar issues at your son’s age or younger, it was a game, he didn’t seem to realise when to go and had accidents. In his case he was at nursery but his DP’s potty trained him. It was just a case of perseverance and not stressing about it. If you seem stressed (not surprised with a young baby) your son will pick up on this. Preschool should help, not judge and it’s vital for his learning and socialising. I don’t think your son has SN either. For DNephew pull-ups were the lazy option until he preferred pants and toilets. We got him trendy pants, coloured ones from Next like his dad wears, Pokémon ones which I’m sure helped and I’m sure you’ve tried. Maybe with the new baby his head isn’t still straight with this either and it’s delaying him trying. I’d do as PPs say and try in say a month or so. Don’t keep him in though just bring porta potty with you.

4 months is nothing really, my son took a year to fully grasp it
Kept him bare bummed at home and sent him to nursery in loose joggers, no pants. Wees took 5 months, poos a further 7...lots of bribery.
Don't let your kid go to school in nappies for no disability reason.

Can nursery help ? Peer pressure helped mine there ! Sent in a tonne of spare trousers and pants x

My dd toilet trained a couple weeks before she started school, she does have Autism and was non verbal at the time. I got so stressed trying to toilet train her and she just wasn’t getting it so backed off completely. Even had stuff put in place ready for school if she wasn’t toilet trained and then one day she just decided to do it and was dry in a couple days.

It’s easy for people to say “you need to keep trying” but sometimes it’s better just to back off. He knows what the toilet is for? He knows he’s supposed to use it? Eventually he will use it and realise it’s better than being wet.

Definitely give it a break if it is causing you so much distress, no doubt he will feel that stress too. My eldest was 3 years 5 months before he finally got it, and even then he had lots of accidents for a good year, mainly cos he was too lazy to use the toilet 😂😂 keep him in pull ups and he may surprise you by asking to go the toilet. When you do try again remind him every 10 minutes, put him on the potty regular and make a massive fuss when he does the business. Good luck x

I would advocate backing off for a bit if it's winding you up. Boys can take longer. My DS didn't potty train till nearly 4. He didn't want to sit on the potty, let alone do anything on it. Nursery were pushing, he was wetting himself every time in pants. Peer pressure and stickers didn't work. In the end we bribed with a chocolate button for every wee, and then once he managed a poo in the potty and we did a weekend in pants, he'd cracked it. Possibly that would have worked earlier, but I didn't want him to get a complex about it, even though it was so difficult to ignore the social pressure, and I was bloody sick of stand-up poo changes! Just don't fixate on it happening as soon as they're 3, as another poster said, and have faith in your child. It will happen before school.

Have you spoken to your health visitor? They may be able to advise on referrals to other professionals.