To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

My oldest (girl) got it pretty instantaneously at 2.5 both day and night, but my youngest (boy) really struggled with toilet training. He would basically only go on the toilet if sent him to use the toilet, so we'd have to send him every 45 minutes to an hour, otherwise he'd continue to play until his pants were wet. He turned 5 pretty much as he started reception and he would have to be changed multiple times at school because he wasn't taking himself to the toilet. Once or twice a week roughly he came out of school in wet clothes in Year 1 (they never seemed to notice even when I'd mentioned he was coming out wet sometimes) and by Year 2 he was basically fine, very occasional accidents, by this stage he was 7 and I could finally stop taking a change of clothes every time we went out. He's now 9 and still in nappies at night, we haven't figured out how to fix that yet. He has about 18 months to the Year 6 residential which worries me. Your son will get it eventually, sympathies op.

Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right: Volume 1 (Oh Crap Parenting) https://amzn.eu/d/9voqHO6

read this while you’re giving him a break from PT. You need a method- the book is the best advice I got.
good luck

OP I felt the same about the Oh Crap method as you until I read the bit about letting go of all control. That was what clicked. It sounds like you are frustrated with your son not getting it which he will pick up on and it will make it even more difficult for him. Going to the toilet is difficult when you're under pressure or being watched or overly stimulated. You need to be relaxed.

Could you take a break and then when you're ready and in the right frame of mind, try again but just totally take all the pressure off and be very very casual about it. As soon as I did that it literally took days. I just left a potty in the corner of the room so it was a bit more private, put some toys and stuff over there, and backed off.

Same situation here with DD similar age
we began at 2yr3m it went well she showed interest then she witnessed something at nursery and since then for a year we’ve had tears and screams of fear
We got a new potty, which she at least will let her teddies sit on (huge steps) but she still thinks it’s something “bad”
tried to go straight to toilet but she isn’t keen - tbh it’s separate to bathroom so darker and narrow so I get it.

we’ve tried books, cartoons, copying toys, watching me.
she’s v stubborn especially when scared.

at a new nursery now and they’ve had zero joy, but are trying.

I feel lost as well - your not alone - I’m gonna retry over Easter holiday.

problem is we get labelled as lazy parents, and older relatives blame “these modern nappies”
we tried no nappy and just let her get wet, she’s then so scared she will refuse to wee all day and “hold it in”
bedtime we then would put a nappy on (so 12-14 hours by this point) and she just does it then - But it’s got by that stage we are so worried about her getting sick we just want her to do it in a nappy 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

we asked health visitor when we very first began and they were useless
asked again 6m ago gave us the tips we were already trying ! - but actually did try help

If you think he is not ready, stop. We tried multiple times with my son and it just didn’t work. I wasn’t as persistent as you (I mean that as a compliment) and stopped after a few days/a week. He was about 3y4m when we eventually got it for wee, poo was much longer but that’s ok. He had a nappy for bed or he would get one from the packet to indicate he wanted one on during the day to use. His speech was behind and he found the process really difficult. He started school at 4y5m and by then all was fine. A year is a long time that that age and alot can change.

After all the difficulties, I didn’t even start my younger daughter until she was the same age by choice. She picked it up much quicker, but I still didn’t regret waiting.

You know him best. ❤️

Potty training can be really stressful! You’re not alone in that. We tried to potty train our daughter over the winter but had to stop because she attended an outdoor nursery in waterproofs and they just didn’t know when she had had an accident. We paused until the summer then tried again - it was much easier and successful quite quickly.
I think as long as a child is potty trained before they start school it doesn’t really matter how old they are. Take a break for a few months would be my advice 🥰.

I wouldn't wait till he says he wants to, as that may never happen! I have a nearly 4yo where I work who isn't potty trained. His mum just can't be bothered I think, and he isn't asking because it's a lot easier to go in a nappy which I believe is just habit now. He can put his shoes and even socks on but he is still wearing a pull up. I'm going to try after Easter holidays but it's challenging when I only have 4 mornings a week and I'm not sure I'll manage. I am so angry with his mum. Imagine starting Reception in pull ups! The other kids will notice, it will annoy the teacher etc. I think if they don't need to use any bladder control and can just go in a pull up without getting wet, then they're not going to learn it.

Goldx2, you are correct,in the 70s,80s,you started popping kids on the pot at one, they would be out of nappies around 2. Nurseries, playgroups didn't take children in nappies. They were also washable, with liners and plastic pants,no tumble dryers. No fancy padded pull ups, just pants. Two boys,2 girls (the girls were more difficult) but all out of nappies at 2yr 3mn. Got my DGS staying, his DS was 16 months old when he was born,he removed his own nappies,by 2. Had quite a few nighttime accidents.

and that’s the issue.

You need a consistent clear approach and you need to be supportive. He will never be ready for a shouty mess.

The good news is that if she can hold it in she’s got good bladder control. You are more than halfway there.

This is just like my son, it’s like he doesn’t get the sensation and he’s also stubborn. He is now 3 years 6 months but nursery agree he has no interest and to wait until he is ready. Our potty training attempts have failed despite him being quite a switched on kid.

My other son was trained at just over 2 years, they are all different. Ignore the sanctimonious posters on here, they likely had kids like my first born 😅

I don’t understand why you are posting if you have already decided? Are you looking for validation?
I took a week off work with all 3 of mine when they were around 2 and didn’t go out anywhere. I used a star chart and rewards. My 2 DD were easy my son took a bit longer and I discovered he preferred the toilet to a potty so I got him a stand to use the toilet.

I remember this being one of the most stressful periods.....we started training our daughter as she turned 3 and it was hard on everyone, we once went through 6 changes in less than 2 hours when we were at a relative's house. She just wasn't ready and we left it a few months, was easier once pressure was off. Having a poo on the toilet took even longer, she'd hold it in all day and then go in her pull up at night. As long as he can go by the time he starts school. Go easier on you both x

I’m not sure if this thread is a troll or what. But c’mon OP, you don’t want to put the effort in and you’re absolutely fine with him getting bullied if he’s not potty trained by school (and he will be, because kids are cruel). Yes you’ve tried, yes it’s okay to take a break. But potty training takes time, an average of 6 months (which means some take longer). Boys also take longer than girls. We started in October and this is the first week we’ve had more dry days than not. I’ve cried when we’ve had 5 accidents in 2 hours, turns out he had a UTI. You came here looking for support / advice and you’ve been dismissive.

If you wait for the demand to come from him, you could be waiting for a very long time.

My DH was the one who cracked it for my DS, who got very stressed sitting on the potty. DH just made it really relaxing, got him to sit on the potty for a minute at a time but if nothing happened, no problem. It was time intensive but looking back it only took a couple of weeks. The bonus was that DS could count up to 60 at the age of two! There was a song they would sing, but the counting was most popular.

Take a break you both need it. Do you have a garden? Wait for a sunny warm weekend at Easter when you can be at home all weekend then let him run around in the garden without a nappy and have the potty out. We don't bribe our kids as a rule but for potty training it worked a treat. One smartie/choc button for a wee, 2 for a poo. A little paw patrol toy for a day of no accidents. Both of mine were over 3, both trained in 48 hrs over a weekend at home. 1-2 accidents the week after then done. Waited a few months to tackle nighttime then both done easy peasy after a few days. No stress for anyone. I really don't believe it should be stressful it's just one of those things that comes naturally when they're ready.

Gosh I'm just sorry that you felt you had to persevere for so long when it obviously wasn't working. We had similar, and after a few days of being annoyed we gave up for 6 months and tried again.
Make sure you don't traumatise yourself or him!
Yes you have to lean into a bit of struggle with something new, but every single child is different so ignore all the people telling you how to parent your own child(either obliquely or directly)
We worried we would be in trouble for sending him to pre school in nappies as the child minder was talking about training him at 2 as soon as he was about 18 months. She bought him a toilet training book for his 2nd birthday! And mentioned it a few times after that. We first attempted when he was about 2y9m I think, he still wasn't trained until well over 3 though.
Good luck

Have a break, for your own sanity. Sumner will be here soon and it may seem easier.

My youngest was completely continent but wouldn't use a potty. For a while she would put a nappy back on when she needed a wee (unsuccessfully). Eventually she would climb on the toilet. Basically she wanted to do it independently and privately. She was nearly 4.

You need help for your mental health. Be it a dr, nurse you need to speak to someone because you sound very apathetic. Then look at it objectively, if you think your child has additional needs then get them assessed so you can go about supporting those needs correctly. Or if he is too young to be assessed at least speak to the hv about the process and what it involves, speak to preschool and see if they have any concerns re development.

Where is your partner in all of this? My dh took the lead in potty training our kids. He was much more on it than me and also found the whole thing less frustrating. We are due to start training our 2.5 year old soon and will take time off around each other to do it.

Have been in your position with DS2. I tried when he turned 3, and nothing, tried again, and again nothing. I did start panicking as it had been relatively easy and quick with DS1.
Tried a third time when he was just over 3 1/3 and we got it. Different technique, (bribery worked in the end). It can take time, and every child is different. I really hate the pressure that is put on around toilet training. Feeling like a failure because little Johnny isn't out of nappies by 2. Take a break OP for your MH and your DS. He will get there.

So many judgemental people on this post! Please don't get upset with yourself and your child over this. My daughter was 3 years 3 months. We had tried at the age people told me we should and she had literally no clue. Waited until she was dry for longer periods in her nappy and then tried again. She went straight to the toilet, skipping the potty completely. She had one wee accident after this and was out of nappies at night too. We went for a day out 2 weeks after she stopped wearing nappies and we were asking her if she needed the toilet whenever we saw a public loo while we were out. She actually told us to stop asking because she would tell us when she needed the loo! 😂
As an aside, and please don't think I'm saying this is your situation, but I am pleased we kept it relaxed because she was later diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and dyspraxia. She's 20 now and looking back at the whole picture, all her physical milestones were late. She's a successful, extremely bright young woman and I'm just so pleased we didn't push things she wasn't ready for when she was only little and learning at her own pace
Just to reiterate, I'm in no way saying your child is ND , just making the point that all children develop differently for their own reasons.
Sending you tonnes of reassurance and support. It will happen: you are doing a grand job xxxx

No real advice but sending solidarity - my DB is almost 4 starting school in September. Over the summer he was dry Including on long bus journey (no toilet) abroad. Admittedly I then got diagnosed with cancer (hopefully should be ok after treatment) so that for him is a behavioural /anxiety thing presumably but at its height he was wet 4 times a day in nursery. All we wanted to say was “if you were dry this would be the biggest help to us” but it doesn’t process at that age does it?! Definitely the less reactive we’ve been the more consistent he’s got. He is now gradually improving. Nursery are sitting him down for drinks every couple of
hours and trying to get him to finish the cup so his bladder feels full. Might have helped a little? They had training and was told this was the best thing to do. We’ve also tried really hard not to loose out cool but not always succeeded.
our dg Struggled with pooing as scared to push. But we’re there now with help of laxatives and gp advice. Coming from a very stressed place as we have been (and you are in) makes it worse. Try to be kind to yourself op. And if you are concerned about possible LD or similar is the HV/GP any help? Good luck

Op I’m sorry you are having such a horrible time here. There are a lot of extremely judgy people!

you sound so disheartened by it all. PLEASE give it a break. Leave him in pre school + also in nappies for a couple more months - tell them that the ‘professionals’ recommended it. (It was me, I’m a professional…!) Have a breather.

I strongly subscribe to the child lead thing despite the boo-ing on here about it - my daughter just didn’t care or get it at all until she was about 4 - then suddenly it clicked.

nappies at 3.5 is fine. Ignore everyone else. It’s working for you guys.

use the couple of months off to talk to the gp about any constipation issues etc.

if I was you I’d wait until it was warm enough to be naked in the garden for a couple of days and then try again. Maybe with the aid of a jar of chocolate buttons..

You don’t sound lazy at all. You sound at the end of your tether about it all. Save your sanity + change a few extra nappies. he’ll get there in his time!

I would suggest you leave it a little while and try again in the summer. You could put pants on under the nappy so he at least feels when it is wet.
I know it is difficult but if he starts getting upset and stressed out it could lead to greater problems like refusing to poop.
I really wouldn’t worry though, it’s like everything, they do it when they want to 🙂

Yabvu he's too old to wear nappies.