To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Your responses on this thread are becoming more and more bizarre.

I think you need to speak to your GP urgently for help with PND following the recent birth of your 2nd child.

I actually can't believe some of the responses on this thread 😳
The poor OP quite clearly explained just how much she is struggling and even if she didn't openly admit that it was extremely apparent from the posts and yet there was so many awful responses.

Would any of you say anything like that to your daughters if they were struggling with this? No, no you wouldn't!

No advice OP, but I hope you are ok 💐

Stop, reasearch some tips/strategies and try again in a few months

What does trying involve though? You’ve done no method

I don’t think that OP is harming her child’s educational prospects in any way. I think then most recent studies suggest the ideal is for a child to be home with family until the age of five. Now, I don’t know about that, but I definitely don’t think preschool at just over three years old is essential for educational success.

I would be surprised and disappointed though if it’s true that anyone at a preschool (staff, pupil or parent) is judging others for not being fully potty trained.

I completely understand that if you take everything OP has said at face value then you could misinterpret things. Equally OP could read many of the tone deaf replies here and feel worse.

To me she just sounds like someone who has tried and is at the end of her tether, and needs to express herself from the emotional place she is now in. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a break in her position. I do think though, especially as a pp pointed out with the recent new baby, that getting support for mental health is worthwhile.

@Comeandeat maybe try the toilet? The approach nursery took with my kids was to toilet not potty train. So I’d do this if you haven’t tried it.

You know your own child. If he's not ready then he's just not ready. I have a 3.5 year old son. Precisely the same situation. Wait til summer.
My oldest was almost 4 by the time he was ready, my middle son was 2.5. There's no 'right' age. Trust your intuition.

op could you have PND? You sound so down to me. It's not normal to withdraw a prep school place because of not being toilet trained.

m I would also advise your child goes to school with his peers even if he isn't trained by then.

Be kind to yourself OP,

@Comeandeat
Potty training is really hard. I think there is no right or wrong. It’s what works best for you and your child. You haven’t failed.

I can give a few examples of what helped me. But I’m not an expert and it’s different for every child/family.

-I made a pocket and put the nappy in the potty so he could still feel the nappy as he sat on the potty/make the association

-A nappy over the top of pants so it felt wet/uncomfortable

-Summertime is a good time as less clothing

-Dr Beckerman carpet cleaner (comes with a brush head and cleans really well/smells good

-Cocomelon potty song on repeat, and potty training picture books to read with him

-a tea towel or absorbent bed mat to line a car seat

A small anecdote. My DS had no interest until he was 3.5, would not countenance a potty at all. We then moved house and he slunk off on his own and I discovered him christening the pristine new toilet without any prompting whatsoever.

I'm not suggesting a house move but I do feel like when they are ready they are ready. If cajoling doesn't work, time very well might.

Oh yes, my HV also recommended the nappy over the top of pants as mentioned by PP. i might give that a go this weekend.

I just want to send a huge virtual hug to you ❤️

There are some really unhelpful and downright horrible posters on here who I think should be ashamed of themselves - we’re all just Mums trying to do our best for our kids.

OP, the fact you’ve been going at this so long, seeking advice from pre-school and HV and posting here for help SHOWS you care and are a good Mum ❤️

Easy to say, but please don’t beat yourself up about this - there will be so many others in your position and it’s not your fault.

I’m in Wales so it may be different where you are, but my friend works in a team where they can now assess for additional learning needs in nurseries from age 2. If you do suspect there could be additional needs (and I’m not saying that’s the reason obviously, as I don’t know your son), could you have a chat with pre-school about this?

If you’re feeling low, please feel free to reach out 🤗

P.S. Have you seen the ‘Go Time’ potty training app from Andrex, aimed at 3 year olds and above? X

https://www.andrex.co.uk/gotime/gotime-by-andrex-potty-training-app?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAi6uvBhADEiwAWiyRdtWl5t4njLXyTodjgLmxL5Xya_nmx3lvNONhgtg2K65Xy72Ht4lm0hoCJ88QAvD_BwE

At his age I would definitely keep going, cheerfully.

It is unfair to leave it and have the nursery and kinder staff have to toilet train your child.

Contain him to hard floored rooms and outside.
You have to be nearby and not scrolling or concentrating on much else..
Put him in underpants and tops. No pullups, unless he is going in the car or out in public, the pull ups don't allow him to feel wet.

Have potty nearby and toilet door open.
Make sure he is still drinking.

Rush him to potty or toilet or tree (for treewee outside) when he wees. Compliment him with a chocolate bud once seated ...and clean up Repeat..repeat .. for at least three weeks.

Make sure he sees his parents use the toilet.
Sit him on toilet before a bath, when first waking up in the morning and when he has not gone to the toilet for three hours.

Never get grumpy. Always happy to see poo and wee and extra happy to see it in toilet.

It is tedious but practice makes perfect.

For a year after training he will still have mishaps. so pack extra clothes and put him in pullups if going on a very long drive through traffic that doesn't allow for cars pulling over on the side of the road.

Stop. Take a break .A long one if needed . Don’t say too much to him if he asks ‘why nappies again mummy just say oh would you like to try again I thought you might want a break and see what he says we can try again. If he says nothing then just leave it. Children can really regress a bit if you try and you haven’t got a lot of prep behind it . Leave all the potty things around and still accessible this is familiarity with the potty and is available if he wants to use it but don’t ask him don’t say to him just let him do what he wants it’s likely he’ll forget all about the potty and your feel like a total failure - your not at all some take to it some don’t straight away .Nappies are great now as they have a gel inside which stops a child getting that feeling of wetness . A piece of kitchen roll inside can help and also encourage that feeling of I don’t like the wetness on my skin.
Leave it months if that’s what it is then get a few idea things to see his mindset - books about potty and buy some stickers and make it fun to decorate the potty in his stickers.You need to put in a good prep base
There’s a good website for info called Eric talks through technique and helpful advice .it will be better for everyone to try again after a break ,summer will be easier for washing and drying clothes . Everyone needs to be onboard it’s a shared task .Dad if he’s around, you both agree to put in the effort in no point if only one of you is trying and getting exhausted .If it’s shared you won’t feel the load is all on yourself .
Finally have a nice word with yourself it’s hard to set an expectation and it doesn’t come together but don’t be hard on yourself.

@Comeandeat I hope you’re ok. Toilet training is hard and most people would say girls are easier than boys here!
I was pressured to toilet train my DS(6) from 18 months because that’s what people around me were telling me I had to do… DS was not interested and it really upset him when we tried him on the potty. I made about 3 attempts before deciding to wait until he’s ready. We kept the potty and a toilet seat in the bathroom.
He was 3 yrs 3 months when he got up one day and decided that was it and he was going to use the toilet (for wees anyway) - he was dry day and night from that day. However he was scared of pooing on the toilet or potty. He was already in pants and would go and hide to do his business in them. It was frustrating and he definitely understood that he shouldn’t be doing it in his pants. When he went off to hide we’d take him to the toilet but again it caused him distress so we didn’t pressure him. He conquered it after turning 4 (around 10 months of being in pants). I learned that people around me whose boys were potty trained at 2 were still in nappies/pull ups for night times at age 4. Every child is different.

my sons nursery were so helpful when toilet training was mentioned, it probably helped that some children were going to the toilet and he didn’t want to miss out on that experience!

He’s 18 months away from starting school and so much can change in that time!
Pre-school and school will still support your son.

Take as long of a break as you need. You never know, he might wake up next week and be ready.

sending love xx

Not read the full thread but I've read your posts op. And some others. My dc have adhd and they took a long, long time to potty train and his behaviour when trying to clean him up is reminiscent. They weren't reliably trained until just before they went to school. They still went to pre school though - pre schools are used to dealing with non potty trained children so i wasnt embarrassed about my children not being trained yet and i expected them to help. Sitting my kids on the potty from 18 months would NEVER have worked.

I also have adhd and don't cope with poo very well so i felt no shame in putting them back in pull ups if they weren't getting it. They're designed to contain everything and makes clean up so much easier especially with a wriggly toddler. I wouldnt have coped with poo going everywhere. I still took them to the toilet regularly, we just treated them as if they were wearing pants.

I will say that you sound quite negative about your son. If you think he has additional needs, or just isn't capable of toilet training yet, you must try not to be so angry and frustrated with him. Stress isn't going to help him. you need to recalibrate your feelings about the situation. If he has additional needs, maybe he just can't help it and isn't ready. I and my dc weren't diagnosed until well after they were at school and therefore trained, but had i known or suspected at the time i would have liked to have thought i would have been a lot more patient and we probably would have got there quicker - my dc have never, ever, ever responded well to me getting frustrated with them.

If you really have made no progress, I agree for your own sanity give it a break for a month & come back to it.
People can spout you’ve left it too late, blah blah blah, but you know your own child.
We cracked it on our third attempt (3 years 3 months) & he was definitely ‘ready’ that time, because he was done in 48 hours with no accidents since (12 months later) whereas the previous 2 times, Id tried for a month at a time with zero progress.

Good luck, I know how you feel, it was really affecting my mental health & I was like you feeling embarrassed & had people (like those on this thread) making me feel lazy & like an inadequate parent, when actually it totally
depends on the individual child. Even nursery were telling me to take a break from it - they rang me at 11am once & said theyd been through 15 pairs of pants since 7:30am.

I think its like when people have good sleepers, a lot of it is down to luck, not superior parenting skills!

The time we were successful we used the NHS website/method & linked resources

Mine were well into their 3s before they got it. I think boys are slower. We missed the potty and put them on the toilet. Made it easier for us.

I was really lucky with potty training in the end although when we first tried (he was almost 2.5) he did 7 wees and 1 poo on the floor in four hours - I decided he wasn't ready and it was not worth the stress. I originally did the whole 'stay at home, have him naked' thing I had read but that did not work for us. For the next few months I then had him in pull ups and just kept trying him on the loo while popping him on there before the bath, first thing in the morning etc... Mine never did that crouch in a corner thing but I decided to try again and it worked. I used a couple of potty based books including "I really, really, really need a wee", a sticker in the bottom of the potty and a reward chart. We didn't use the potty that much, mine went for the toilet quite quickly thankfully.

It has been different for all friends of mine and it's what works for you. I suspect that it has become a 'thing' between you and your child now so perhaps taking a step back for a bit will help you reset. As a parent with school on the horizon you get so worried about whether your child will be toilet trained in time which adds to the pressure which doesn't help. I've known of two children where it looked like it wasn't going to happen but it did sort itself out in time.

It's not fun and everyone dreads doing it. Take a breather and come back to it in a couple of months. Good luck

I am genuinely shocked by all the replies telling you to persevere! Your child is clearly not ready. So leave it. There are no developmental issues, he is simply too young. My son potty trained at 3 years 10 months as the nursery suggested he was ready. It took a couple of days. Keep the pull ups and enjoy motherhood. You will see the dugns when he is ready.

My youngest is reliable aged 6. Before that he's had accidents. Not at night at all, but during the day. There's no rush.

DS may have undiagnosed autism though, he's on the list for assessment...

Take a break, he’s obviously not ready yet. Until they recognize the signal from brain to bladder/bowel they aren’t really ready.

Night time dryness is different, it’s a hormone that kicks in to stop them weeing in their sleep.
Put him back into pull-ups for a month and try again. You sound overwhelmed and defeated, don’t be, this too shall pass.

But I didn’t teach my child to use a knife and fork. I provided toddler cutlery and used it myself as normal while eating. Now at 17 months he can feed himself with a spoon or fork because he learnt himself - watching me, and being given the opportunity to practise.

why can potty training not be the same? We show them what to do, and they do it when they’re ready.

Take a break from it for a month and try again. I say this as a mum who has just managed to train my daughter who is 3 years and two months. I have tried on and off since she was two years old and I finally decided to just leave it until I thought she was ready. In January, she just decided to have dry nappies and I began taking her to the potty / toilet every 45 minutes and since then it has just taken off. We bought character pants, we gave treats for each wee like a chocolate button etc… no judgement but we also have an iPad and she got ten minutes on there if she managed a poo. It’s a hard road but it sounds as though he isn’t ready yet. Take a small break and come back stronger. You got this 🤗