To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Most of the comments on here are not very helpful. I would stop, wait a few months and then try again. Good luck!

Instead of giving up completely why don't you go back to him wearing pull-ups under his trousers but still take him to the toilet on a regular basis.

You'll have fewer problems with the clean up if there's an accident, but will still be reinforcing that the toilet is where you are supposed to go.

And you can use pullups in a similar way to underwear - pulling them up and down when trying to go to the toilet, so it's a transition between nappies and underwear.

During the next three to four months don't have any expectations that he is 'training' but just use a lot of positive reinforcement for anytime he goes in the toilet.

It's also a weird position for people to get used to - we aren't as humans really supposed to poop in that sitting position with legs hanging down, so it might be worth getting something that lets him be more in a crouch/'frog' position which might make his body feel more familiar about letting go.

Something like this: https://www.amazon.com/GrowthPic-Toddler-Toilet-Training-Trainer/dp/B07Q55H8JW

Don't even worry about night training yet - that's a completely different issue with toilet training based around hormones and bladder growth etc. My DD was toilet trained in the day at 2.5 but she couldn't wake up or hold it at night until she was 6.5 and then one day she was just ready.

While doing this for the next few months see if you can note a pattern on what time of day he is pooping - if it's at all regular then make sure you are taking him to the toilet at that time.

Only read the first page but some of the replies have infuriated me. If you’ve been trying since November, he isn’t ready. I work at a nursery, all children are different, we’ve had just gone 2 year olds get it quickly and we’ve had almost 4 year olds not. Our advice is always don’t do it if they aren’t ready because it just stresses everyone out. It’s not laziness as people are implying 🙄

Yaasssss…. This made me chuckle but is 💯 right!!! Xx

What method are you using to teach him? Sorry, just read up to this point in the thread. I get toilet training must be really challenging, I'm not there yet as my DD is 6 months old but I'm not looking forward to it.

What I will say is that I don't think you have the option to just stop. Sorry, I know it must be really difficult and stressful. Could you talk to Dad about ways to tackle this? Because I have worked in primary schools, exclusively lower school and a lot of my roles have taken place in Nursery/Reception. I can't speak for private nurseries but I can tell you that school based nurseries are not equipped to potty train your son for you. I know you haven't said you want that but I'm just putting that out there. We do not have the staff or resources. There is a large volume of SEN children nowadays who are not potty trained and they often require huge amounts of support. Even then, many school based nurseries will refuse to take him full time if he isn't toilet trained. In my experience, anyway. If you think that your son might have SEN, you need to talk to your GP and get some support, OP. For your own sanity. Get that ball rolling.

Also @wordler 's advice is spot on. I think in the meantime, do this for sure! Don't give up, just change pace

Stop panicking.
It WILL happen when he's ready and not before.

In my experience there’s a window where it’s easy (easier. easy-ish) and I think you’ve missed that, which is too bad, but it has to happen anyways so I’d take a short break to regroup and then try again. One of mine was more difficult than the rest…not only did we not leave the house for quite some time, we didn’t even leave the toilet. Just sat in there with quiet activities and constant potty access while I tried not to cry, and it was totally my fault because when they first showed interest at early 2 I was about to give birth and just couldn’t be bothered. Sympathies - I have five dc and potty training is thus far my absolute least favorite part.

Our daughter - 3 years and 5 months has only just “got “ it.

it felt like she never would.

definitely no special needs etc. generally bright and understands a lot.

lost count of the pairs of knickers needed to wash or even through away!

we spoke to the nursery about it - but we were told it was very common and many of the other children in the same boat. Poo seems more of an issue for many of them.

I too worried whether she had a food intolerance or something.

doesn’t now seem like that is the case though. Think she was just holding it in.

your DS will get there.

entirely a personal decision, but I wouldn’t withdraw him from preschool / nursery - will make it harder on you both.

try a reward chart or similar (it may be that you have already) and just keep going. If he goes to preschool / nursery then that’s going to be extra hours that others can help too so it’s not all on you / your husband

OP have you tried training pants? They're cotton so they will feel when they're wet but should hold leaks. Washable too.
This sort of thing

You're absolutely doing the right thing. Stop and try again when you feel strong enough to give it another go. My youngest was nearly 4 when he stopped using nappies. I tried for 6 months, and ended up really stressed about it. He went back into nappies, then a couple of months later, just before his 4th birthday decided he'd had enough of them and that was that. Please don't worry about accidents at school/nursery either - I worked as a classroom assistant in P1 and changed kids on more than a daily basis. In fact the days where I didn't have to visit the spare pants cupboard multiple times were the unusual ones. I know it seems all encompassing at the moment, but 3 and a half is still well within the normal range. Give yourselves a break, and give it another go when you've both recuperated.

You can do potty training in one day.
Buy a potty and put it in a conspicious place in the house. A lways leave in same place.
Buy it six months before you intend to use it.
You can maybe sit a doll on it leading up to the day ' of training'
Choose a day to train when you will be doing nothing else but stay home to train.
Buy a bag of child's favourite treats.
Put some pants on child that are easy to pull up and down.
Get some tasty drinks to give lots to child on day of training.
Start at 8 am.
Hover around the potty, sit the doll on the potty.
When the child sits on potty, give a treat straight away ,and lots of praise .
Keep giving lots of drinks, then a treat each time.
Its a great game, they love the game.
The game goes on all day.
At the end of the day the training is finished theyve learned!!!!!??
Next day put the easy up and down pants on ( not nappy or pull ups, but cotton pants)
Pull ups will make for laziness. When at home.
If when GOING OUT for the first few weeks you can put on a proper nappy if wished it will not confuse , in case of accidents. Or when visiting friends.

I've got 5 boys - grown up now, but I've always said potty training is the worst part of parenting youngsters. And that's when it's an easy job!

My mum was very much "you and your brother were out of nappies at 18 months" conveniently forgetting all the accidents my brother had, and that he was a bedwetter till he was 10.

My youngest was a nightmare to toilet train. It took him over a year to finally be reliable for both wee and poos, he was in reception by then and I was called in to deal with it quite a few times. Not helped by him being terrified of flushing toilets, and then some workmen setting off a drill next door to the school loos. He's 16 and still opens the bathroom door before he flushes so he can escape quickly!

His preschool were really good at encouraging both him and me with the training.

I wouldn't take your son out of preschool. No one is going to think he's smelly. I couldn't have told you which kids were in nappies or not at my kids preschools, and I wouldn't have cared.

Give it a break and try later. Summer holidays is a good time because (hopefully) the weather is nice for lots garden activities with not many clothes on.

It’s not liberating at all the be changing nappies though.

crack on and involve the HV if necessary.

Sorry you’re having a tough time. You are right to leave it for now. Stress is not good for anyone and if it’s not working, then a break is the right thing.
I’ve got 3 boys and they were all different. DS3 in particular point blank refused to be potty trained at 3. He was 3.5 when he realised he needed to wear pants and we never looked back.
No point in pushing it especially after what you’ve experienced

My two older boys were toilet trained just after their second birthdays and ds2 was dry at night then too. Ds3 was totally different. I tried, my childminder (who had toilet trained dozens of kids) tried. He just wasn’t interested or didn’t get it. He started nursery in pull ups and they did try to make me feel bad about it. By the time he was 3.5 he was ready and dry and clean within days. I can count the number of accidents he had on one hand. He was still wet at night until he was 7 and then suddenly dry and has never had an accident. He was later diagnosed with Autism although it’s difficult to say if the two are related. Some children just take longer.

He’s 3. Your mental health is not an excuse.

Have a break. Try again over the summer.

I tried with DS for 6 months and then stopped. He’d wet his trousers the second we walked away from the toilet. Tried months later aged 3yrs 6 mth and he was dry within 2 weeks.

DS2 didn’t bother until 3yr 6 and he was also dry in 2 weeks.

Boys often don’t get the sensation to do a wee until they’re older. When mine were little the aged to train was 2yrs and some of my friends girls were dry at 2yrs

My eldest DS not dry at night until 7yrs old. I remember at cubs on a sleepover the boys in bedtime pants shared a dorm so not to get embarrassed or even be aware what other boys did

Absolutely none of that worked for my eldest. Pull ups were best as prior to that I had every single pair of his cotton pants on the washing line.

we never used a potty. It was straight to the toilet with a little stool

And if you choose to give up then I hope you will be available when he starts school in nappies, to go in regularly to deal with him. Or are you going to leave your problem for them to sort out?

This. Why post? You are pushing back on everyone who says don’t give up…. Pointless to post really…

Solidarity OP!!

Some really nasty and unhelpful posts on here, parent shaming as usual.

My DS is the same age and we’ve been trying since Xmas. It’s not going very well and I understand how stressful it is.

Those posters saying ‘oh you started too late’ don’t know circumstances and it’s also an unhelpful comment.

We didn’t start earlier because my DS has hypermobility so has been delayed with gross mobility and he wouldn’t have been able to sit onto or get up from a potty without help. He now can. I also had a c section in November, and now have a complete velcro refluxy baby. I also had mobility and breathing problems during my third trimester. But apparently I should have been potty training.

I read on here that the Oh Crap method is actually designed for younger kids. It also isn’t working with my DS either. He gives absolutely zero fucks about weeing on the floor, or sitting in wet pants or trousers.

He is also VERY RARELY telling us when he needs a wee. And it’s a great effort to get him to go on the potty or toilet. He will mostly say no, no, no and then wee himself.

Or we’ll have a pattern when he gets home from nursery, he will do a wee in the potty. I will then ask him often if he needs a wee again, he says no, and then wees himself. He will also spend long periods sitting on the potty or the toilet, do nothing, then will wee himself shortly after.

He tells me while/shortly after he’s doing a poo but it’s too late. I’ve managed to get him to poo on the potty twice in 2 months.

Nursery are keeping him in pants all day and he does a bit better there, but it can vary. Sometimes he has no accidents, sometimes he has 4.

I honestly get you and at home, apart from when he gets home from nursery, he wears a pull up. Because along with my baby, i physically could not keep up with the mess.

He also can’t hold it when we go out eg for a walk to the swings, and i refused to take the potty out to make him use in 4c weather.

Our plan right now is to keep going as we are, still encourage potty and toilet at home but with pull ups, and try again with more pants and taking the potty out when it’s warmer weather.

I’m bloody grateful that he won’t be starting school until Sept 25, i’d be bloody mortified to send him to school in nappies.

My friend’s DS is also the same age from my antenatal class, has no physical issues, and is also having the same problems. Says no to potty, and doesn’t care about sitting in wet pants.

Thankfully most of my friends are more supportive and encouraging than people on this thread. They are all pointing out that you don’t see adults wearing nappies which means we all got there at some point.

Someone here who clearly doesn’t get it.