To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

The problem is that your little one has been ‘trained’ to wet and soil himself for the last 3.5 years, it takes a lot to undo that. This happens when TT is left too late.

You're gonna hold him back from school because you can't be arsed to try potty training again? No, come on, you can't possibly think that's acceptable.

You won't be judged though I'm sure pre school will be happy to work with you.
Mumsnet is not representative of real life its just people giving their often ignorant opinions
They wouldn't dream of saying them in real life

If people honestly can't see that the OP has hit rock bottom and it's kindness and support she needs, not criticism and judgement then it's no wonder there are so many issues with mental health in this country.

OP, stop reading the thread. Make a cuppa. Breathe. Talk to the preschool. And start fresh in a month. Honestly, look after yourself x

Because who wants to keep paying for nappies

Or are they cheaper than they used to be plus terrible for the environment

Hope your ds gets there with it. I'm sure he will eventually OP

I just want to say OP, you are not alone. He may have additional needs and, as you are his mum, you have possibly observed something that you can’t quite yet articulate.

My own DC took multiple years to fully train - even, gasp, after they went to school - I tried everything, talked to nursery, talked to school, went to the GP, HV, paediatrician and everyone I talked to was utterly mystified. But ultimately there isn’t a lot that anyone else can do about it!

In the end, it just took a long, long time for DC to finally get exactly what it was we were wanting them to do. Even then, they thought that they only had to do it once - not every single day! 😂There did turn out to be some additional needs involved, but they didn’t emerge until later.

Nearly a decade on, they are doing well at school, picking GCSEs and it is a long distant memory.

Please try to be reassured that this will get solved, it will pass and it doesn’t actually reflect your parenting abilities.

Totally. I just can’t be arsed. I’m a lazy fat shit I haven’t bothered at all.

I mean, it couldn’t be that I’ve tried really hard and I posted on here feeling desperate and low could it?

Thank you. Very kind post.

No, they wouldn't if he was toilet trained. You talk as if he will always just go in nappies or parts, never the toilet. Like successful isn't an option

And I say this not as a smug "dry by 3" parent... I have 3 children. My oldest took 1.5 years before she was any way reliable.... so many regressions and accidents. We had medical interventions and X rays. But we didn't just give up.

@Comeandeat I'm sorry you've been getting horrible responses. You're clearly really struggling, probably depressed and catastrophising. I get it because it's how I get sometimes. This place is not the place to come for empathy!

I'm potty training atm and if I'd been doing it since Nov I'd be losing my mind too! It's hard when your DC don't care about weeing/pooing themselves isn't it. Just take a break from it, don't think about it, get some space from it. MN will make you feel like everyone's judging you but that's not the case, most people are busy worrying about being judged themselves!

@Comeandeat I have to confess I haven't read the full read as it was getting quite judgey, but i just wanted to say that loads of my DS's friends have poo issues and it is most likely not just your son. Also, I know you tried Oh Crap first and you didn't like it, but there are a few things in there that could help and it might be worth another go, especially if you are wanting to keep DS home anyway:

1. the naked phase is partly about teaching both you and them to recognise their body's cues about when they need to go. You've said your son doesn't seem to get this yet, so that's why I think it might be worth another go. You also said he just weed and pooed on the floor and found it funny. Basically, you have to watch them like a hawk and have the potty right there so you can put them on it as soon as they start weeing, and it's a win if some of it goes in the potty. After a while, you will notice how their posture changes when they are about to wee and then put them on before they do. You've said you're on maternity leave and this level of close attention would be really tricky with a baby to look after too, so that may be where you need his dad to be doing it with you. It could take days. But eventually even if it's still you having to prompt, you won't be doing it when he doesn't need a wee - so it might help him learn to recognise the cues.
2. the other thing that's useful from that book is the advice to go commando when you move on to clothes. Pants feel quite similar to a nappy so they can feel more comfortable going in them especially as they are used to nappies. We didn't put DS into pants for a few weeks.

We are actually now having a regression because DS is pissed off with being reminded to go so we are having to back right off and get nursery to back off too. I wonder if your DS is also getting angry at feeling nagged? If so I massively sympathise, as we're only able to stop reminding because ours does know when to go really, he's just getting distracted. But that might be why going back to a method that's more about (you and him) learning cues might be better, even though it can feel almost impossible at first?

I could have written your post.

My son will be 4 in August, we've been potty training for months and we're really struggling!

OP is there anyone who can help give you some support with your stress? Family, friends or counseling. You sound incredibly stressed and I assume that is what is making you lash out.

We aren’t struggling just lazy. Apparently! Seriously I sympathise.

I really feel for you, you sound exasperated but PP is right, you do have to do it and I think you know that hence why you started the thread.

Is he delayed in any other areas? Because if there’s a global development delay then he just won’t be ready until he’s ready and stoping may be an option. If there’s not it’s your responsibility to keep going, I do understand how draining that sounds.

You are welcome @Comeandeat
Some of the comments on here have been lacking in empathy, to say the least.

I will also say that I broke down in tears at nursery, when the nursery worker told me that DC had actually been on the toilet for the first time that day. The emotional relief was incredible!

Unfortunately DC thought that was a one-time-only performance 😂so we weren’t out of the woods for a further six months…

For those saying people leave it too late I’m sure most people started potty training early because they didn’t have disposable nappies and automatic washing machines. It was more necessity than maybe developmentally ready.

We waited until DS could reliably handle his clothing and speak to say he needed the toilet. He also had bouts of toddler diarrhoea so much easier to sort nappies than clothes/potty with that. In addition, he had a reasonable commute to nursery with no easy options to stop for a wee, so had to be reliable and be able to hold on for a reasonable time rather than need to go immediately. It worked pretty well for us.

Once potty trained we did have a period of time with slight regression after a bout of constipation which put him off doing a poo ever again! But with help from nursery and HV we got through that phase. And with small children there are many phases they like to throw at you! We even had a poo chart for the whole family to demonstrate going more than once a week was a good idea. The joys of being a parent

Also I wanted to say there are 6 kids in my family between me and my sister. All but 2 children were trained at 2 to 2 1/2. One of her boys was a bit older then yours and difficult to train. He got it right before 4. I assure you he had no special needs or learning disabilities. For what ever reason he took longer. He is extremely bright,funny, caring and very intelligent.

So much judgement on this post, as always - how do people think this helps anyone?! Massive sympathies to you OP and like others say I think a break would be good even for a few weeks.

I’ve just started potty training my just 3 year old son for the 3rd time and feeling the anxiety of ‘you’ve left it too late’ comments! He just wasn’t interested before and didn’t get it but so far not having much luck this time either.

I’m feeling the pressure as he has to be fully trained, no accidents by sep for wraparound care at school!

seeing as there’s lots of advice on this thread can I jump on? So he has previously shown enthusiasm and excitement for potty training, done wees on potty and toilet happily. Got new travel potty last week and he happily did some wees on it. However as soon as we say ‘no more nappies, big boy pants now’ he utterly refuses to use it and we either have lots of accidents and withholding. He says he’s scared. Any ideas what could be going on? He had good speech and understanding but is extremely stubborn, NT as far as we know but I have had concerns in the past. Dreading this journey only a week in so massive solidarity to anyone else going through the same!

and I easily trained my DD at 2.5 within weeks so know how easy it can be!

Definitely take a break and try again in a month or two. By then the weather will be better for washing and drying. Buy some cheap joggers and shorts from H&M or Primark so you have extra bottoms ready for when you try again. It’s really horrible when you’re in the thick of it, but it won’t last forever and you will crack this eventually. Good luck.

I knew MN was absolutely insane but this is just beyond.

@Comeandeat of course you can take a break! He will be fine. Take a break until you and he feel more ready to approach it. There's nothing wrong with that at all. All children are different. It sounds like you have explored many avenues before resorting to posting here, and it sounds like you are completely at your wits end. Parenting is hard, no one has all the answers (as much as some people here think they do) and no one in real life is judging you - honestly when my daughter was that age, I didn't know who was potty trained and who wasn't. I didn't think of young kids as being disgusting or dirty - they're toddlers. Being grubby is part of it. Pooing their pants is part of it. Hell, my niece pooed her pants once when she was 8 just to piss off her mum (seriously) - now that I judge, but not a 3 year old who is still learning.

Please take care of your mental health and allow yourself some grace - you are doing great. Only you know your situation, only you know what you need. Please take yourself off here and reach out for support in real life. Many posters on here will rag on someone at the end of their rope for what feels like their own entertainment. Don't let them get to you.

oh fair enough you can think that disagreement and not thinking you are right isn't being personal. or unpleasant i might have been critical but definitely not personal. what sort of response were you expecting ?

Gosh OP. You're getting a hard time on here. I had similar with my DS where I'd attempt for a while and it wouldn't stick. It just ended up with both of us being stressed. I think your instincts are right - take the pressure off for a few weeks.

In the meantime things I found helped were still having equipment around so he knew it was available - you said he uses the toilet but might be worth putting a potty put too as some kids get a bit scared of the hole! I also started observing his behaviour before wees and poos. Mine used to have a mad five mins then go to a quiet area for a poo/crouch down for a wee but he wasn't able to correlate that to needing to go to the potty. I used to say 'oh, are you doing a wee/poo?' just to familiarise him with the words and to help him associate them with the sensations. After a while he started saying when he was having wee/poo and we slowly built up from there.

There's no shame in kids developing at different paces. They're not robots. He may have additional needs but equally he might not and this is just one of those things that he takes a while to get to grips with. But neither of you will crack it when it's stressful. And even when you crack it, there will be times when he regresses a bit. Deep breaths, stick to nappies and have some cuddles with your DS instead of doing all that laundry. Good luck with it.

I didn't say your son was a nuisance to you I said that was how your posts were coming across

I started putting my babies on the potty/toilet for pee/poo at least some of the time from the baby stage, and threads like these are the reason why. I did not regard what we did as "training," but as "practice" - the point was to avoid this awful problem where the child has been effectively trained to think of their nappy as a toilet and simply can't "go" unless they are wearing one. Several of my friends went through this awful situation that the OP is going through and it really is grim. I think my way was better.